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  1. #41  
    A Man picks up a bottle in an alley to recycle of course... when lo and behold a genie pops out of the bottle. The Genie says "for freeing me i will grant you one wish". The Man excited as hell whispers in the Genie's ear. The Genie says "thats it? Then it shall be...ALAKAZAM BAM!"
    Smoke clears and there is a littel miniature man feverishly playing a miniature piano.
    The man says "what the hell is that?"
    The Genie says "What do you mean? Your the one who asked for a 12 inch pianist".

    Blonde woman knocks on the door asking if there is anything she can do because she is trying to make a little extra money. The man looks her over and asks if she can paint. The blonde says sure. The man says fine... paints in the garage... i will pay you 10 dollars to paint my porch. Blonde agrees and heads off to the garage. Half an hour later the man is sitting smug on his couch thinking how much time and money he had saved when there is a knock on the door. Upon opening the door there stood the blonde. The man asks "are you done already?" The blonde says "sure that was easy." She stops to think... then says "and oh yeah... I wanted to tell you you... You have a mercedes... not a porsche."
  2. #42  
    Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath.

    He therefore came to be known as a...

    "Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."
  3. #43  
    What's the difference between a girlfriend and
    a wife?

    45 lbs.


    What's the difference between a boyfriend and a

    45 minutes.


    What's the difference between a new husband and
    a new dog?

    After a year, the dog is still excited to see


    What's the difference between a porcupine and a

    A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


    What's the difference between a Southern zoo,
    and a Northern zoo?

    A Southern zoo has a description of the animal
    on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.


    What's the difference between a Northern
    fairytale and a Southern fairytale?

    A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."

    A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna
    believe this sh**........
    Never argue with an *****; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. - Author unknown
  4. #44  
    Why does a woman have one more brain cell than a cow?

    So she doesn't crap on the kitchen floor while doing the washing up.
  5.    #45  
    planning on a short life ??
  6. #46  
    A bowl of cereal walks into a bar...

    ... the bartender yells out "Get outta here! We don't serve breakfast!"

    Worst joke ever (my four year old loves it!):

    Two llamas walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The first llama asks for a tuna sandwich. The second one doesn't say anything. Confused, the bartender goes to back and brings out a tuna sandwich.

    After a while, the bartender asks, "Can I get you anything else?" The first llama asks for a coke. The second one doesn't say anything. Getting perturbed, the bartender pours a coke and goes back to his business.

    After a little while longer, the bartender asks, "Can I get you guys anything else?" The first llama asks for a slice of pie. The second one doesn't say anything. The bartender finally asks the first llama, "What's with your friend? Doesn't he want anything?" The first llama replies, "I don't know. Why don't you ask him?" The bartender asks the second llama, "Hey, buddy! Don't you want anything?" The second llama replies, "No, thanks. I'm fine."


    ... go figure.
    Recognizing that I volunteered...
  7. #47  
    A woman walks into the downtown welfare ,trailed by 15 kids..."WOW,"the social
    worker exclaims,
    "are they ALL YOURS???"

    "Yep they are all mine,"the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a
    thousand times before.

    She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

    "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll >need
    all your children's names."

    "This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

    "OK, and who's next?"

    "Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

    The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the
    oldest four, all boys,
    all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

    "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL
    named Leroy?"

    Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them
    out of bed and ready for school,
    I yell,"'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they
    all come a runnin.'
    An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy'
    and all of them stop.
    It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

    The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and
    says tentatively,
    "But what if you just want ONE kid to come,and not the whole bunch"?

    "I just call them by their last names"
  8. #48  
    Did you know that William Shatner has three ears...

    first, his left ear; second, his right ear and a final front ear.
  9. #49  
    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

    Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

    "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

    They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

    The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies...

    "You just happened to catch my eye."
  10. #50  
    Three guys walk into a bar....You think they would learn to duck by now!

    Thread Crapper
    ~ August 16,2005 Poll-Master ~
    August 17, 2005 Century Club Member ~ August 29, 2005

    I have a fondness for intelligence.
    I often black out when doing something really stupid. I supose that's why I'm such a danger to my self

  11. #51  
    Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

    Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

    Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

    "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
  12. #52  
    Two blondes were walking in the woods and came across some tracks. One turned to the other and said "I think these are deer tracks". The other replied "No, these are definitely bear tracks!". They began arguing: "Deer tracks!" "No! Bear tracks!" "Deer tracks!!" "No!! Bear tracks!!". They stood there and argued until the train hit them.
  13. #53  
    Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

    Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

    He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

    Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

    Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me."

    He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

    Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

    Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their drinks.

    Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

    The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

    At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

    Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
    1. HTC Touch Dual Neon 300, Stock Rom
    2. AT&T Tilt (Refurb) with DK.8 Rom (collecting dust)
  14. #54  

    Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

    So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

    Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

    A self-induced hangover - $100.00
    Broken furniture - $200.00
    Breakfast - $10.00

    Saying the right thing - PRICELESS
  15. #55  
    there was a man watchin t.v., when he heard a news flask ***Gorilla escaped from the zoo and is in the adjacent neighborhood, if you see the gorilla call 555-5555***, just then he hears a noise in the back yard. he peeks through the blinds, and sure nuff, a gorilla sitting in a tree in his backyard. he calls the #, and within 3min a pickup came screechin through his back gate. the driver jumps out assures the man that all damages will be paid for, he then begins to take out of the truck, a cargo net, pitbull and a shotgun. the man ask, "hey what are you gonna do with all that?" the driver says "im gonna run up the side of the tree, grab that branch and kick the gorilla down to the ground, then the pitbull is gonna grab his nuts, thats when i throw the cargo net over em, put em in the truck and pull off." the man said "well whats the shotgun for?" the driver replies, "that"s in case i fall out the tree first, so you can shoot that damn dog!"
    Wisdom sheds light on the knowledge you have accumulated

    Palm Pre (Sprint)
  16. #56  
    A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

    The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

    The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

    "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

    "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

    "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

    "A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

    "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

    "Well...", said the pirate, " was my first day with the hook."
  17. #57  
    An old one, but still just as funny:

    Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.
    When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

    A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

    Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

    His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

    While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.

    He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

    When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

    To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.
  18. #58  
    A Buddhist monk goes up to a hotdog stand and says "Make me one with all".
  19. z3bum's Avatar
    717 Posts
    Global Posts
    723 Global Posts
    A blind man walks into a bar with a chihuahua on a leash. He sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Then, suddenly, he takes the dog, flings it into the air and whirls it around his head on the end of the leash! The bartender rushes overs and says Hey, buddy, what are you doing to that dog? The blind man turns towards the bartender and says Oh, I was just having a look around!
    A bloke walks into a bar sits down, orders a pint and starts chatting with another bloke. Do you live around here? Asks the one. Yes, on Maple St. Oh! I live on Maple St! Where you go to school? The questions go on and each asking the other and both having the same answer. Finally another guy walks in, sits down, orders a pint and asks the barkeep what's new. Not much, says the barkeep, the Mcklellen brothers are sitting at the end of the bar getting p**sed!
    Palm III -> Palm V -> Blue Palm Vx w/Omnisky -> Treo 270 -> Treo 600 -> Treo 650 -> Treo 680
  20. #60  
    Q: What do you get when you cross 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

    A: One hundred sows-and-bucks.
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