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  1.    #101  
    An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

    After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

    His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

    The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

    A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

    After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

    Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

    Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

    Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

    Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

    The wife turns and says, "What the heck was that?"

    The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides."
  2. #102  
    Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
    If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
  3.    #103  
    A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

    Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

    "About 35," was the reply.

    "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

    After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

    The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

    "I am actually 47."

    Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

    She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your for a few seconds, I'll be able to tell you your exact age."

    As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

    Soon after that, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

    Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

    The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
  4. #104  
    Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?

    Because it is too tired.
  5. #105  
    A Universal Truth - Alien style:

    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

    The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

    The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

    The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Ticked off at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

    The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

    'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

    Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

    'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his ****** over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
  6.    #106  
    Anybody stare at orange juice containers because they say concentrate?
    Last edited by dbdoinit; 06/07/2010 at 10:18 AM.
  7.    #107  
    I always "borrow" money from pessimists because they never expect to get paid back.
  8.    #108  
    It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  9.    #109  
    I'm suspicious that my wife has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.

    She calls me her sixty second lover.
    Last edited by dbdoinit; 06/10/2010 at 05:11 PM.
  10.    #110  
    Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

    "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

    "Ah, that's nothing," said the 60 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !"

    "Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
    "Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old.
    "No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all."

    "Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old.
    "No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."

    With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?"

    To which the eighty year old replied - "I don't wake up until ten!"
  11.    #111  
    Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
    "98", she replied, "Two years older than me."

    "So you're 96....", the undertaker commented.

    Long pause...

    She responded, "Hardly worth going home, huh?"
    Last edited by dbdoinit; 06/14/2010 at 07:21 PM.
  12. #112  
    A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

    But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

    Swoooop! A torso popped out!

    The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

    Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

    The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

    By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

    Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

    The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

    The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
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  13.    #113  
    ^ lol lol

    A young man who felt very guilty when he had to put his elderly father into a nursing home, went to visit him to see if he was adjusting properly. He was relieved to see how clean and nice the place was, and since his father was in the dining room having lunch he decided to join him.

    Part way through the meal his father started leaning to one side. Instantly an attendant appeared and straightened him up. Several minutes later, he leaned to the other side. Again, an attendant immediately ran over and helped him get upright in his seat.

    The rest of the meal was without incident, and over coffee, the son asked the father how he felt about the nursing home.

    "Well son, the place is nice and clean and the service is good, but there's one thing I really can't stand about this place".

    "What's that?", asked the son.

    "They don't let you fart here!"
    Last edited by dbdoinit; 06/14/2010 at 08:33 PM.
  14. #114  
    How do you get a nun pregnant?

    Dress her up like an altar boy.
    I've decided to become enigmatic.
  15.    #115  
    Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.

    Bartender says, "We don't serve breakfast."
  16.    #116  
    A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
    "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

    The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his pants, and placed his in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his , unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

    "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

    A hush fell over the crowd.

    After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
  17. #117  
    A beautiful woman was paying on the way out of a restaurant. She asked to see the manager, who came to the counter. She leaned in and began to stroke his cheek seductively. As she caressed his face, he eventually began sucking on two of her fingers. He was very excited., Finally she wispered in his ear "i'm so glad I was able to meet you, and I think you should know that there was no toilete paper or soap in the bathroom", and then she left the restaurant...
    Last edited by Cantaffordit; 06/21/2010 at 01:18 AM.
  18.    #118  
    A store that sells husbands has just opened. A woman can go there to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
    There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

    So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

    On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

    The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

    The second floor sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

    The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

    The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

    "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

    The fourth floor sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

    "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

    The fifth floor sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

    "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

    The sixth floor sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor #6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
  19. #119  
    There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

    The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
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  20.    #120  
    Quote Originally Posted by Spader View Post
    There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

    The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

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