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  1.    #221  
    Quote Originally Posted by Workerb33 View Post
    Q: What's the difference between a 7-11 and a smurf?

    A: A 7-11 is a 24-hour convenience store and a smurf is a small blue fictional cartoon character.
  2. #222  
    Two men are drinking in the bar on top of the Empire State Building. The first man tells the second one that there's a draft created because the building is so high, and if you jump over the edge the draft will blow you right back to the top. The second guy naturally is skeptical. The first man is adamant, so the second guy asks him to demonstrate, and the first guy agrees.

    They go over to the side of the building, and the first guy jumps over, and starts falling, 10, 20, 30, 40 stories... then starts to slow down, then comes to a complete top, then starts slowly rising, and eventually is set right back down on the roof. The second guy says, "Wow! I've got to try that!" So he jumps over the edge and starts falling, 10, 20, 30, 40 stories... then 50, 60, 70, etc. and then SPLAT.

    Then the bartender says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
  3.    #223  
    I love Florida, but:

    FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

    FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.

    FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

    FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

    FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.

    FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Re-vote.

    FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!

    FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?

    FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

    FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

    FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.

    FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

    FLORIDA: So nice, we let you vote twice.

    FLORIDA: We put the "duh" in Florida.

    FLORIDA: This isn't good when Alabama counts faster than us!

    FLORIDA: Once is never enough!

    FLORIDA: We would do a recount but we've run out of fingers and toes!
  4. #224  
    A man wants to purchase some farmland, but is wary of the bees on the property. The farmer thinks the bees are harmless so he makes the prospective buyer a deal: He'll tie the buyer naked to a tree that has a bee hive for an hour, and if any bee stings him, the farmer will GIVE him the land for free. The farmer ties the buyer up and leaves. He comes back an hour later and finds the buyer nearly unconscious.

    The farmer asks, "Are you all right?"

    The buyer replies, "Yes, but doesn't that calf have a mother?"
  5.    #225  
    Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

    1. Innovative
    2. Preliminary
    3. Proliferation
    4. Cinnamon

    Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

    1. Specificity
    2. Anti-constitutionalistically
    3. Passive-aggressive disorder
    4. Transubstantiate

    Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk

    1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
    2. Nope, no more booze for me!
    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
    5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
    6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
    7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
    8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
    9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to **** in this parking lot or on the road side.
    10. I must be going home now, I have to work in the morning.
  6.    #226  
    Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

    He's all right now.
  7.    #227  
    What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

    A nervous wreck.
  8.    #228  
    Where do you find a no-legged dog?

    Right where you left him.
  9.    #229  
    Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

    They're trying to get away from the noise.
  10.    #230  
    Any new "comedians" out there today?
  11. #231  
    Three guys walk into a bar; The forth guy ducks.
    PayPal Make a donation and/or hit the Thanks button please
    My home page. >>>>>CMCS<<<<

  12. WyreNut's Avatar
    123 Posts
    Global Posts
    127 Global Posts
    Marriage is like a deck of cards - At the beginning all you need is two Hearts and one Diamond...

    At the end you wish for a Club and a Spade!

    Pre2/3/TouchPad, and TouchDroid user.
  13. i_maq's Avatar
    383 Posts
    Global Posts
    397 Global Posts
    I was sitting in traffic the other day, and I got run over... ._________.
  14.    #234  
    Quote Originally Posted by WyreNut View Post
    Marriage is like a deck of cards - At the beginning all you need is two Hearts and one Diamond...

    At the end you wish for a Club and a Spade!

  15.    #235  
    A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
    crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally
    gets himself to the doctor.

    He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and
    my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
    The doc said , "I'll have to put your ***** in a splint to let it heal
    and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

    So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided
    bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

    The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his
    honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal
    a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
    She says, "You are my first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

    He whips down his pants and says... "Well that's mighty impressive, but my stuff is still in the crate!"
    Last edited by dbdoinit; 01/17/2011 at 06:30 AM.
  16. Habious's Avatar
    245 Posts
    Global Posts
    888 Global Posts
    Quote Originally Posted by sketch42 View Post
    When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.
    Funny story...really, really funny.

    Only one slight's simply not true.

    NASA never approached Paul Fisher to develop a pen, nor did Fisher receive any government funding for the pen's development. Fisher invented it independently, and then asked NASA to try it. After the introduction of the AG7 Space Pen, both the American and Soviet (later Russian) space agencies adopted it.
    Space Pen - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia NASA Space Pen
  17. Spinfusor's Avatar
    78 Posts
    Global Posts
    80 Global Posts
    So a brother and sister are having sex, and the sister says,
    "Wow! You just like daddy!" The brother replies,
    "Yeah, I know. Mom told me the same thing."

    Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    I eat mop.
    I eat mop who?

    A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest are in a school building, and the building's on fire. The teacher says,
    "Save the kids!" The lawyer says,
    " the kids!" The priest says,
    "Do we have time?"

    Monica Lewinsky: she's out of the news, but she's still around. She went into the cleaners and asked to have her dress cleaned. The cashier is hard of hearing, so he said,
    "Come again?"
    "No, orange juice."

    If Joan Rivers gets any more face lifts, she's going to have a beard.
    "Visits? Well that would indicate visitors."
    "Future events such as these will affect you in the future."
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