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    Do you have an interesting list about facts, jokes, quotes, any topic, etc....?

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    Here is a list of Science Facts:

    Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas have 14 and crayfish have 200.

    Without its lining of mucus your stomach would digest itself.

    There are 60,000 miles of blood vessels in the human body.
    An individual blood cell takes about 60 seconds to make a complete circuit of the body.

    Utopia is a large, smooth lying area of Mars.

    On the day that Alexander Graham Bell was buried the entire US telephone system was shut down for 1 minute in tribute.

    The low frequency call of the humpback whale is the loudest noise made by a living creature.

    The call of the humpback whale is louder than Concorde and can be heard from 500 miles away.

    A quarter of the world's plants are threatened with extinction by the year 2010.

    Each person sheds 40lbs of skin in his or her lifetime.

    At 15 inches the eyes of giant squids are the largest on the planet.

    The largest galaxies contain up to 400 billion stars.

    The Universe contains over 100 billion galaxies.

    Wounds infested with maggots heal quickly and without spread of gangrene or other infection.

    More germs are transferred shaking hands than kissing.

    The longest glacier in Antarctica, the Albert glacier, is 250 miles long and 40 miles wide.

    The fastest speed a falling raindrop can hit you is 18mph.

    A healthy person has 6,000 million, million, million hemoglobin molecules.

    A salmon-rich, low cholesterol diet means that Inuits rarely suffer from heart disease.

    Inbreeding causes 3 out of every 10 Dalmatian dogs to suffer from hearing disability.

    At over 2000 kilometers long The Great Barrier Reef is the largest living structure on Earth.

    A thimbleful of a neutron star would weigh over 100 million tons.

    The risk of being struck by a falling meteorite for a human is one occurrence every 9,300 years.

    The driest inhabited place in the world is Aswan, Egypt where the annual average rainfall is .02 inches.

    The deepest part of any ocean in the world is the Mariana trench in the Pacific with a depth of 35,797 feet.

    The largest meteorite craters in the world are in Sudbury, Ontario, Canada and in Vredefort, South Africa.

    The largest desert in the world, the Sahara, is 3,500,000 square miles.

    The largest dinosaur ever discovered was Seismosaurus who was over 100 feet long and weighed up to 80 tonnes.

    The African Elephant gestates for 22 months.

    The short-nosed Bandicoot has a gestation period of only 12 days.

    The mortality rate if bitten by a Black Mamba snake is over 95%.

    In the 14th century the Black Death killed 75,000,000 people. It was carried by fleas on the black rat.

    A dog's sense of smell is 1,000 times more sensitive than a humans.

    A typical hurricane produces the energy equivalent to 8,000 one megaton bombs.

    90% of those who die from hurricanes die from drowning.

    To escape the Earth's gravity a rocket need to travel at 7 miles a second.

    If every star in the Milky Way was a grain of salt they would fill an Olympic sized swimming pool.

    Microbial life can survive on the cooling rods of a nuclear reactor.

    Micro-organisms have been brought back to life after being frozen in permafrost for three million years.

    Our oldest radio broadcasts of the 1930s have already traveled past 100,000 stars.

    Tuberculosis is the biggest global killer of women.

    One third of Asian women are infected with TB.

    Each domestic cow emits about 105 pounds of methane a year.

    Hummingbirds consume half of their body weight in food every day.

    The larva of the polyphemus moth consumes 86,000 times its birth weight in its first 56 days.

    Blood sucking hookworms inhabit 700 million people worldwide.

    Some species of bamboo grow at a rate of 3ft per day.

    A total of 148 tornadoes swept the south and mid-west of the US in April 1974.

    A lunar eclipse of 1 hour 47 minutes occurred on the 16th July 2000.

    Saturn would float if you could find an ocean big enough.

    A pinhead-sized piece of a neutron star weighs 1 million tons.

    A neutron star is 15 miles across and weighs more than the Sun.

    The highest recorded train speed is 320.2 mph by the TGV train in France.

    The highest speed ever achieved on a bicycle is 166.94 mph by Fred Rompelburg.

    The research spacecraft Helios B came within a record 27 million miles of the Sun.

    65 million years ago the impact of an asteroid is estimated to have had the power of 10 million H-Bombs.

    The temperature at the centre of the Earth is estimated to be 5500 degrees Celsius.

    Mount Rainier erupts around every 500 years.

    There are over 100 billion stars in our Milky Way Galaxy.

    Scientists have discovered over 20 planets outside our solar system.

    Organisms can live in temperatures up to 133 centigrade.

    There is clear geological evidence that there has been water on Mars.

    NASA missions in 2003 and 2005 will collect rocks from Mars.

    Living organisms on Earth can thrive as deep as 2 miles down.

    Jupiter's moon, Europa, is completely covered in ice.

    We can produce laser light a million times brighter than sunshine.

    The fastest spacecraft can go 40,000 mph.

    Babies conceived by IVF are more likely to die during infancy.

    The surface of Mars is the same area as the Earth's continents.

    In the US the average vehicle is 5.6 years old.

    On May 3rd 1999 an outbreak of 76 tornadoes struck Oklahoma and Kansas with wind speeds of up to 318 mph.

    Jumbo Jets have carried the equivalent of 1.6 million passengers to the Moon and back.

    Volcanoes on Io eject material at speeds of 2000 mph.

    The Sun takes about 220 million years to make one revolution of the Milky Way.

    A human heart beats 100,000 times a day.

    Every heartbeat pumps 1/15th of a pint of blood.

    The first bicycle was manufactured in 1817.

    A cockroach can live for nine days without its head.

    The biggest shark species has the smallest teeth. The 12 meter long whale shark has more than 4,000 teeth, each only 3mm long.

    The female lion is a much more efficient hunter than the male.

    We share 98.4% of our DNA with a chimp - and 70% with a slug.

    Men who ride a bike for ten hours a week are four times as likely to be impotent as non-bike riders say US scientists.

    If the neurons from a single brain were divided out equally among the US population, each American would get approximately 366 brain cells.

    The oldest known hominid skeleton from Ethiopia has been dated at 4.4 million years.

    The earliest human tools have been dated at 2.7 million years old.

    Human fetuses react to loud rock music by kicking.

    At just 12 weeks the human fetus can scowl and squint.

    By 24 weeks the human fetus can suck its thumb so hard that blisters are raised.

    At 23 weeks the human fetus experiences REM (Rapid Eye Movement).

    A newborn's skin is thinner than an adult’s.

    The lightest baby to survive weighed a mere 283 grams.

    More babies are born at night than in the day.

    The average weight of the male brain is 1.4 kilos: 1.25 for females.

    Twins have a higher than usual rate of left handedness.

    65% of those suffering autism are left handed.

    One third of all adults experience difficulty distinguishing left from right.

    Apart from humans the only land animal that cries is the elephant.

    The Dodo was first discovered in 1507 - 100 years later it was hunted to extinction.

    The fastest truck in the world, the 376 mph rocket powered Shockwave burns 400 gallons of fuel every mile.

    The Hobby Eberly Telescope (HET) can collect light 2 million times fainter than the human eye can.

    Any 1 of a 1000 viruses can cause the common cold.

    The chemical n-acetyl-cysteine found in raw eggs is proven to help hangovers.

    Macau, China has 80,000 people per square mile. Greenland has 10 square miles per person.

    The watch was invented in Nuremberg in 1510.

    On average women say 7,000 words per day. Men manage just over 2000.

    In 1522 Ferdinand Magellan's crew completed the first circumnavigation of the world.

    Health freaks beware! If you jog for 1 hour each day for fifty years you will have spent over two years jogging.

    Galileo first saw the moons of Jupiter on 7th January 1610 - but they had been discovered a few days earlier by an obscure German Astronomer, Simon Marius.

    Europeans started drinking tea from China in 1610 and they started drinking coffee in 1615.

    There are 1600 calories in a pint of Hippopotamus milk.

    In 1661 the Bank of Stockholm issued the worlds first banknote.

    Because of thermal expansion the Eiffel Tower is 15cm taller in Summer.

    Benjamin Franklin began his research into electricity in 1746.

    Isaac Newton published his 'Principia' explaining the laws of gravity in 1687.

    The combined length of the roots of a Finnish pine tree is over 30 miles.

    Gabriel Fahrenheit invented the mercury thermometer in 1714.

    97.2% of the Earth's water is salt water.

    The oceans contain enough salt to cover all the continents to a depth of nearly 500 feet.

    Monash University has named a new species of dinosaur Qantassaurus after the Australian airline Qantas!

    Traveling at the speed of light it would take a spaceship just 1.2822 seconds to reach the Moon.

    The speed of light, Warp Factor 1 on Star Trek's Enterprise is a mind boggling 670,610,000 miles per hour.

    Each year more snow falls in Australia than in the whole of the European Alps.

    The human brain is 2% of the body's weight but uses a hungry 20% of its energy.

    Women on the pill are 30% more likely to suffer from gum disease.

    Western adults, on average, consume 10 liters of alcohol a year.

    If more than 23 people gather in a room there is a better than 1 in 2 chance that at least two of them will share the same birthday.

    The interstellar gas cloud Sagittarius B contains a billion, billion, billion liters of alcohol.

    Roy Sullivan of Virginia, USA, was struck by lightning seven times during his lifetime. Later he committed suicide.

    Alcohol lowers the level of the sex hormone testosterone in men but increases it in women.

    Polar Bears can run at 25 miles an hour and jump over 6 feet in the air.

    Ernest Rutherford discovered that the atom had a nucleus in 1911.

    The silkworm moth has eleven brains.

    There are over 25 million bubbles waiting to burst out of each bottle of Champagne.

    70% of the molecular structure in a tree is also human.

    60-65 million years ago dolphins and humans shared a common ancestor - the Mesonycid.

    In Winter the Antarctic Ice covers 10% of our planet.

    Parts of the Atacama Desert in Northern Chile have gone without rain for 400 years.

    It takes the Earth exactly 365.242199 days to orbit the Sun - and that is why every four years we need a leap year.

    In 1750 James Watt built the first steam powered engine.

    In 1774 Joseph Priestley discovered oxygen and described its role in combustion and respiration.

    It wasn't until 1628 that we realized that our hearts pumped blood right around our bodies.

    The only time the human population declined was in the years following 1347, the start of the epidemic of the plague 'Black Death' in Europe.

    The first spectacles were invented in 1280.

    1000 years ago the first Icelanders discovered North America.

    Polar Bears cannot be detected by infrared cameras, due to their transparent fur.

    The longest space flight by a women lasted a total of 188 days, 4 hours and 14 seconds.

    The biggest star has a diameter of 1800 million miles, making it 2000 times bigger than the Sun.

    Deserts cover one seventh of the world. The surface of the sand can heat up to an incredible 77 degrees centigrade.

    The first alarm clock was invented 3,500 years ago by the Egyptians; and in 1955 scientists in the UK invented the first atomic clock.

    4,800 years ago the ancient Egyptians worked out that there were 365 days in a year.

    In 1997 Britain suffered an unprecedented 35 tornados.

    Young giraffes can grow an inch a month.

    The next total eclipse visible from the UK mainland will be on the 23rd September 2090.

    Desert rats can copulate 122 times an hour.

    The average person accidentally eats 430 bugs each year of their life.

    There are more than 1000 chemicals in every cup of coffee.

    When a pickle is plugged into an electric current it turns yellow, and gives off a horrendous smell.

    By 2150 there will be 10 billion humans. In 2000 there were 6 billion.

    America produces 215 million tons of solid garbage every year.

    At present even the most powerful PCs cannot process as many instructions as the .1gm of a goldfish brain.

    384/ A typical PC would have to be a million times more powerful to perform like the human brain.

    The first photographic negative allowing multiple prints was developed by British inventor William Henry Fox Talbot in the 1830's.

    In 1801 American inventor James Finley built the first modern suspension bridge over a river near Uniontown, PA.

    The first internal combustion piston engine was built by Frenchman Etienne Lenoir in 1860.

    After many aborted attempts, the first submarine telegraph cable between Europe and America was successfully laid in 1866.

    In 1894 Italian physicist Guglielmo Marconi began his work on transmitting radio waves over long distances.

    Wireless' communicatio
    ns took a giant le
    ap forward i
    n 1962 with the launch of Telstar, the first satellite capable of relaying telephone and TV signals.

    When completed in 2009 the Three Gorges dam across the Yangtze River in China will be 60 stories high and 1.4 miles long.

    Windows 2000' contained 29 million lines of code.

    The Large Hadron Collider or LHC outside of Geneva in Switzerland will be the largest science experiment ever. When it opens for business in 2005 it will use a circular tunnel 17 miles in diameter.

    At 1,483 feet tall the twin Petronas tower in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia is the tallest building in the world.

    A single rye plant can spread up to 400 miles of roots underground.

    If you are bitten by a mosquito, it's usually a female sucking blood from her victim to get nutrients for making her eggs.

    The largest group of insects are the beetles with over 400,000 different species.

    Dragonflies have the largest eyes and sharpest eyesight of any insect... each eye is made up of more than 30,000 separate rod-like units.

    Mayflies live for a year or more as larvae; but as adults they live for only a few hours.

    By swallowing water, the Puffer fish becomes too big for other fish to swallow.

    Although rainforests only cover 7% of the Earth's surface, at least 40% of all animal and plant species live in them.

    The coldest temperature ever recorded at minus 126.9?F was in Antarctica at Vostok in 1960.

    Dutchman Antony van Leeuwenhoek invented the microscope in 1674.

    Spider web filaments were used in gun sights as the 'cross hairs' until the early 1960's.

    88% of all humans are right handed.

    Bill Gates is left handed.

    The Millennium Dome in London can be seen from space. The shell is 1km in circumference.

    An elephant's brain weighs about five times more than a human brain but it's body weighs 100 times more than ours.

    Every night each human sheds approximately 3 grams of skin particles.

    The sting of a Box Jelly can kill a human within three minutes.

    In 1870 in Massachusetts Bay an Arctic Lion's Mane jelly was found with tentacles of 36.5 metres in length.

    A Platypus is one of two mammals that lays eggs and nurses it's young on milk - the other is an echidna.

    The International Space Station orbits at 248 miles above the Earth.

    Up to 15,000 dust mites can live and thrive in just one gram of dust.

    The temperature on the surface of Mercury exceeds 400 degrees C during the day, and, at night, plummets to minus 200 degrees centigrade.

    Mosquitoes have been found to prefer biting people with smelly feet.

    One person in every 2 billion lives to be 116 or older.

    Tristan de Cunha, an island in the South Atlantic Ocean is populated by 296 people and most of them suffer from asthma.

    Bats always turn left when leaving a cave.

    Dart-boards are made out of horsehair.

    When a giraffe's baby is born it falls from a height of six feet, normally without being hurt.

    The pitches that Babe Ruth hit for his last-ever home run and that Joe DiMaggio hit for his first-ever home run were thrown by the same man.

    Alexander the Great was an epileptic.

    When a female horse and a male donkey mate, the offspring is called a mule, but when a male horse and a female donkey mate, the offspring is called a hinny.
    Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

    The original fifty cent piece in Australian decimal currency had around worth of silver in it before it was replaced with a less expensive twelve sided coin.

    The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

    If you multiply the number 21978 by 4 then you get the number in reverse ie 87912.

    A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

    The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.

    A full seven percent of the entire Irish Barley crop goes to the production of Guinness.

    If the human genome were a book. It would contain one billion words (or as long as 800 bibles); and if you were to read it out loud at the rate of one word per second for eight hours a day, it would take a century.

    Cat's urine glows under a black light.

    Mosquitoes are attracted to the color blue twice as much as to any other color.

    A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.

    Amongst the many words that Shakespeare invented are assassination, bump, lonely, bloodstained, leapfrog and mountaineer.

    Shrimps' hearts are in their heads.

    There is no more than one-tenth of a calorie's worth of glue on every stamp.

    The weight of air in a milk glass is about the same as the weight of one aspirin tablet.

    The first advertisement printed in English in 1477 offered a prayer book. The ad was published by William Caxton on his press in Westminster Abbey. No price was mentioned, only that the book was 'good chepe'.

    The working section of the piano is called the action. There are about 7,500 parts here, all playing a role in sending the hammers against the strings when keys are struck.

    There are 1,783 diamonds in Great Britain's Imperial State Crown. This includes the 309 carat Star of Africa.

    There are forty two dots on a pair of dice.

    There are odor technicians in the perfume trade with the olfactory skills to distinguish 19,000 different odors at twenty levels of intensity each.

    There are three sets of letters on the standard typewriter and computer keyboards which are in alphabetical order. Reading left to right they are f-g-h, j-k-l, and o-p.

    There is one mile of railroad track in Belgium for every one and a half square miles of land.

    There is one slot machine in Las Vegas for every eight inhabitants.

    A bubble is round because the air within it presses equally against all its parts, thus causing all surfaces to be equidistant from its centre.

    A conventional sign of virginity in Tudor England was a high exposed bosom and a sleeve full to the wrists.

    A diamond will not dissolve in acid. The only thing that can destroy it is intense heat.

    A female pharaoh was unknown in Egypt before Hatshepsut, who began her reign in 1502 BC. In order not to shock local convention, she had herself portrayed in male costume, with a beard, and without breasts.

    A jet or turbo-jet powered aircraft uses more fuel flying at 25,000 feet than 30,000 feet. The higher it flies, the thinner the atmosphere and the less atmospheric resistance it must buck.

    About 24 percent of alcoholics die in accidents, falls, fires, and suicides.

    A survey revealed that 87 percent of snowmobilers in Maine are males. Snowmobiling added 6 million to the state's economy in 1996.

    About 60 percent of all American babies are named after close relatives.

    According to a 1995 poll, 1 out of every 10 people admitted that they will buy an outfit intending to wear it once and return it.

    According to a poll, 58 percent of those responding admitted that they had falsely called in sick to get a day off from work.

    39 percent of people interviewed for a poll admitted that they snoop in their host's medicine cabinets.

    75 percent of people who play the car radio while driving also sing along with it.

    Life expectancy in America has grown from 46.6 years for males and 48.7 years for females in 1900. To 72.7 years for males and 76.1 years for females.

    In a recent 5 year period, 24 residents of Tokyo died while bowing to other people.

    In a survey conducted by a women's magazine; 70 percent of female respondents said they would rather have chocolate than sex.

    According to hospital figures, dogs bite an average of 1 million Americans a year.

    According to one source, about 66 percent of magazines found thrown along US roadsides are pornographic.

    Americans buy about 5 million things that are shaped like Mickey Mouse, or have a picture of Mickey Mouse on them in the course of a day.

    According to suicide statistics, Monday is the favored day for self destruction.

    In England, a stone is equal to 14 pounds, a kilogram to 2.2 pounds.

    In Wales, there are more sheep than people. (In 1996, the human population for Wales was 2,921,000; with approximately 5,000,000 sheep)

    Ireland boasts the highest per capita consumption of cereal in the world - 15 pounds per person annually.

    It can cost up to million to launch a new fragrance. Saudi Arabia reportedly has the highest per capita fragrance use in the world at more than a quart a year for every man, woman and child.

    The Coast Guard Academy in July of 1976 was the first U.S service academy to admit women.

    Sweden has the most phones per capita.

    There's enough energy in ten minutes of one hurricane to match the nuclear stockpiles of the world.

    A beautiful mirage called the Fata Morgana appears in the Straits of Messina, between Sicily and Italy. It is an image of a town in the sky, but it seems more like a fairy tale landscape than a real town. It is believed to be a mirage of a fishing village situated along the coast.

    A bolt of lightning can strike the earth with a force as great as 100 million volts.

    A "cold front" travels at a speed of about 30 miles per hour - faster then the fastest person can run - and may overtake any warm front ahead of it. The resulting mix of air is called an "occluded front".

    A cumulonimbus cloud can be enormous: six miles across and eleven miles high, and twice as high as Mount Everest.

    A dripping water tap wastes an average of 40 kilowatt hours of electricity per month. This is the equivalent of running a color television 8 hours a day for about 31 days.

    A drop of water may travel thousands of miles between the time it evaporates into the atmosphere and the time it falls to the Earth again as rain, sleet, or snow.

    A green flash is sometimes seen just as the sun sets or rises. This occurs because green light is bent most strongly by the atmosphere. So the green is seen before other colors at sunrise, and after the other colors have vanished at sunset.

    Three hundred and fourteen acres of trees are used to make the newsprint for the average Sunday edition of the New York Times. There are nearly 63,000 trees in the 314 acres.

    Traces of copper give the gemstone turquoise its distinctive color.

    Use of less fertilizer at precisely the right times can cut costs by up to 17 percent for farmers in developing countries and reduce damage to the environment.

    Variations in color in pearls are still a mystery, but some experts believe that high water temperatures contribute a golden cast to some pearls.

    Waste industry experts estimate that Americans discard 250 million tires each year, and that more than 3 million are stored in landfills. Tires burning at landfills generate huge amounts of noxious air pollution.

    A hailstone weighing more than one and a half pounds once fell on Coffeyville, Kansas. No one was hit.

    A hurricane that hit Puerto Rico in 1928 dropped 30 inches of rain over the island. The deluge was estimated to weigh 2,800,000,000 tons.

    A large cumulonimbus cloud can hold enough water for 500,000 baths. Most of the water droplets in a cloud re-evaporate and never reach the ground. Only one fifth actually falls as rain.

    A polar air mass moving South from Canada may pick up from the Mississippi basin more than nine times as much water as flows out from the mouth of the river.

    At the height of the property boom in Japan during the 1980's the Emperor's 300 acre palace in central Tokyo was valued at more than all Canada.

    A Saguaro Cactus can top 60 feet, and may live 300 years.

    If you add up the numbers 1-100 consecutively (1+2+3+4+5 etc) the total is 5050.

    The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62oz.

    The dot over the letter 'i' is called a title.

    Mark Twain was born on a day in 1835 when Halley’s Comet came into view. When he died in 1910, Halley’s came into view again.

    Ethernet is a registered trademark of Xerox, Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T.

    Charlie Brown's father was a barber.

    Only female mosquitoes bite.

    Caesar salad has nothing to do with any of the Caesars. It was first concocted in a bar in Tijuana, Mexico, in the 1920's.

    A coat hanger is 44 inches long if straightened.

    A snail can sleep for three years.

    More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

    Blue Whales weigh as much as 30 elephants and are as long as three greyhound buses.

    Birds do not sleep in their nests. They may occasionally nap in them, but they actually sleep in other places.

    Butterflies taste with their hind feet.

    Jellyfish have no brains, yet they can tell light from dark and sense movement.

    Pogonophobia' is the fear of beards.

    The word 'monosyllable' meaning 'one syllable' actually has five syllables in it.

    Aspirin was discovered during experimentation with a waste product.

    Budweiser beer is named after a Czech town.

    365 different languages are spoken in Indonesia.

    The first contraceptive diaphragms, centuries ago, were citrus rinds – i.e. half an orange rind.

    The first female telephone operator was Emma M. Nutt, who started working for the Telephone Dispatch Company in Boston, on September 1st 1878. Prior to that all operators were men.

    There is no one who does not dream. Those who claim to have no dreams, laboratory tests have determined, simply forget their dreams more easily than others.

    A bushel of apples weighs about 42 pounds.

    A recent Gallup poll shows that 69 percent of Americans believe they will go somewhere after death.

    A recent survey reveals that one in four Americans 'believe in' Astrology, up from 18 percent in 1988.

    A Gallup survey showed that in the US, 8 percent of kissers kept their eyes open, but more than 20 percent confessed to an occasional peek. Forty-one percent said they experienced their first serious smooch when they were 13, 14 or 15 years old. 36 percent between the ages of 16 and 21. The most memorable kiss in a film was in Gone with the Wind, according to 25 percent of those polled.

    A survey of 1,023 children aged 10 to 13 showed the number who felt uncomfortable talking with their parents nearly doubles when they turn 13.

    Over fifty billion aspirin tablets are taken worldwide each year.

    In the US, Delaware, Virginia and Michigan rank as the top three states for Ritalin use, and most of the prescriptions are for elementary and middle school age children. Doctors in these states prescribe at least 33 grams for every 1,000 residents, 56 percent more than the national average, according to figures compiled by the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency.

    The average life span of London residents in the middle of the 19th century was 27 years. For members of the working class that number dropped to 22 years.

    It is estimated that 60 percent of home smoke detectors in use do not work because they don't have a battery in them, or the battery has run out.

    It is estimated that there are 61,000 people airborne over the USA all the time.

    Artist Xavier Roberts first designed his soon-to-be-famous Cabbage Patch Dolls in 1977 to help pay his way through university. They had soft faces and were made by hand, as opposed to the hard-faced mass market dolls, and were originally called 'Little People'.

    Before the invention of mass marketed hair care products, households were pretty much of their own concocting family shampoos and conditioners.

    Four Wheel Roller Skates were invented by James L. Plimpton in 1863.

    No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

    Winston Churchill was born in a ladies room during a dance.

    When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play American Football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

    The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's 'Its a Wonderful Life'.

    Steel drums are the only non-electric instrument invented in the 20th century.

    The longest musical piece written is Vexations by Erik Satie. It consists of a 180 note composition which must be repeated 840 times. The entire piece takes 18 hours and 40 minutes.

    The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

    Virginia Woolf wrote all her books standing.

    Rabbits cannot vomit.

    The Giant Squid has the largest eyes in the world.

    The Grateful Dead were once called The Warlocks.

    Moon was Buzz Aldrin's mother's maiden name. (Buzz Aldrin was the second man on the moon in 1969)

    It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

    Charles de Gaulle's final words were, "It hurts".

    In the 1983 film 'Jaws 3D' the shark blows up. Some of the shark guts were stuffed ET dolls which were being sold at the time.

    Montana mountain goats will **** heads so hard their hooves fall off.

    Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's maiden name was Betty Jean McBricker.

    Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

    Spot, Data's cat on Star Trek: The Next Generation, was played by six different cats.

    There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.

    One in every ten people in the world live on an island.

    The petals of the world's largest flower are 1.5 feet long.

    If the Arctic ice cap were to melt, the sea level would rise by an average of 230 feet.

    The study of ants is called Myrmecology.

    Eating with a fork was once considered scandalous.

    The first US 'Labor Day' was celebrated on a Tuesday in 1882.

    Napoleon died of arsenic poisoning.

    Gore-Tex is made with Teflon.

    There are two radios for every man, woman, and child in the United States.

    In 1970 only 5% of the American population lived in cities.

    The average person receives eight birthday cards annually.

    Henri Nestle was originally a baby food manufacturer. His work and research with condensed milk aided Daniel Peter in inventing a method to successfully combine chocolate and milk in a solid form - the first milk chocolate - in 1875.

    Antarctica is 98 percent ice and 2 percent barren rock. The average thickness of the ice sheet is 7,200 feet. This amounts to 90 percent of all the ice and 70 percent of all the fresh water in the world.

    Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.

    Finland has the greatest number of islands in the world: 179,584.

    The odd zigzag in the North Carolina/South Carolina state line, just south of Charlotte, resulted when boundary commissioners altered the line in 1772 to avoid splitting the Catawba Indians between the two British Colonies.

    A chest x-ray comprises 90,000 to 130,000 electron volts.

    A chip of silicon a quarter inch square has the capacity of the original 1949 ENIAC computer, which occupied a full city block.

    The word trivia comes from the Latin word trivium, a place where 3 roads meet. The perfect opportunity to exchange stories, gossip, and information.

    When Coca-Cola was first sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". It did not sell well.

    In Japan, 20% of all publications sold are comic books.

    50% of bank robberies take place on Friday's.

    The evaporation from a large oak or beech tree is from ten to twenty-five gallons in twenty-four hours.

    It takes 12 bees their entire lifetime to make a tablespoon of honey.

    A large swarm of locusts can eat 80,000 tons of corn in a day!

    Some biblical scholars believe that Aramaic (the language of the ancient Bible) did not contain an easy way to say "many things" and used a term which has come down to us as 40. This means that when the bible - in many places - refers to "40 days," they meant many days.

    Sneezes can travel up to 100mph

    A goldfish is the only animal that can see both infrared and ultraviolet light.

    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

    1 in 5,000 North Atlantic lobsters are born bright blue.

    In 1973 Bhutan issued a stamp that looked like a record. Put it on a record player and it would actually play the Bhutanese national anthem!

    Thomas Edison invented the talking doll in 1888.

    In 2000, across the global economy, travel and tourism accounted for around 11 per cent of world exports, goods and services, surpassing trade in food, textiles, and chemicals.

    Nearly 80 per cent of international tourists come from Europe and the Americas, while only 15 per cent come from East Asia and the Pacific, and five per cent from Africa, the Middle East and South Asia.

    Around 3.5 per cent of greenhouse gas emissions come from air travel, a share that is expected to increase as air travel does.

    The secret to balsa wood's lightness can only be seen with a microscope. The cells are big and very thinned walled, so that the ratio of solid matter to open space is as small as possible. Only about 40% of the volume of a piece of balsa is solid substance.

    In 1870 Thomas Adams introduced Black Jack, the first manufactured flavoured gum, and one that is still sold today.

    Patagonia, in the south of Argentina and Chile, became so popular for reclusive celebrities (including George Soros, Sylvester Stallone and Ted Turner) in the 1990s that at one stage, a sixth of the region was said to be owned by 350 foreigners.

    A poll of 1,004 Americans for TIME and CNN in 1996 found that 82 percent believed in the healing power of prayer, and 64 per cent that doctors should pray with their patients.

    Contributing to about 300,000 deaths per year, obesity is only exceeded by smoking as a cause of death.

    60.8 million Americans have some form of cardiovascular disease, ranging from congenital heart defects to high blood pressure and hardening of the arteries.

    Grapefruit was discovered in the West Indies in the early 1700s and first introduced to Florida in the 1820s. In the United States today, most grapefruit is still grown in Florida.

    Walter Diemer, an accountant for Fleer, invented modern bubble gum, in 1928. Pink was the only coloring nearby when he made the first batch and so the trend was set. The gum was named Dubble Bubble.

    22% of all the plant species on the planet are in Brazil. Brazil also has the most species of mammals (524), fresh water fish, insects and parrots of anywhere.

    The UK National Lottery says that 27% of female winners keep the winning ticket in their bra.

    Kenneth Grahame, the author of the children's classic, The Wind in the Willows, was the Secretary of the Bank of England 1898 - 1908. The book was published in 1908, the year in which he retired from the Bank.

    Although platinum was used by the South American Indians before the fifteenth century. They could not melt it, but developed a technique for sintering it with gold on charcoal, to produce artifacts.

    "Coffee" comes from the Latin form of the genus Coffee, a member of the Rubiaceae family which includes more than 500 genera and 6,000 species of tropical trees and shrubs.

    The average adult male Polar Bear weighs between 850 and 900 pounds, but one was killed in 1960 that weighed 2,210 pounds. That is the weight of a small family car!

    Most neuroscientists estimate that some form of autism is found in every five or six hundred people. This means that in the UK more than a hundred thousand people have autism, and almost six hundred thousand in the US.

    Researchers at the University of Chicago investigated eighty-six children with autism and found that all of them had an abnormal version of a gene that is responsible for the transportation of serotonin around the body.

    About five percent of the fathers of non-autistic children are employed in some kind of engineering, compared with about twelve percent of the fathers of children with autism.

    It is estimated that the global damage wrought by the 1982-1983 El Nino and related climactic anomalies cost over billion. The cost of the 1997-1998 El Nino is much more.

    The storm of October 16th 1997 in Britain (the worst since 1703) toppled over 15 million trees in southeast Enland alone.

    The average human brain consumes just 12 Watts of power - about one-tenth of what it takes to burn an ordinary light bulb.

    The human retina is made up of about 120 million rod cells.

    A single second of video tape contains about 22 megabytes of data, the very rough equivalent of about thirty copies of a 200 page book.

    There are roughly 3500 hair cells and 30,000 nerve fibers found in the cochlea, a bony structure shaped like a snail's shell that's located deep within the inner ear.

    Talking machines really hit the commercial mainstream in 1978, when Texas Instruments released Speak and Spell, the first device in which the human voice was electronically duplicated on a single chip.

    Of the roughly 6500 languages now spoken, up to half are already endangered or on the brink of extinction. Linguists estimate that a language dies somewhere in the world every two weeks.

    It is estimated that three-quarters of the world's mail and up to 80 percent of e-mail is currently (2002) written in English. How long this will remain true with the rise of Chinese use of the internet is open to debate.

    The average person is able to detect and distinguish between about 10,000 different smells, using approximately 400 receptors.

    Smell and taste are both intimately related. More than 90 per cent of a meal's flavor - apart from the four basic tastes of sweet, sour, bitter and salty - is actually fragrance, which rises up from food during chewing and is forced across the olfactory epithelium through the nasopharynx at the back of the throat.

    There is a medical condition called Anosmia, where the sufferers have no sense of smell at all. They can still sense sweet, sour, bitter and salty tastes; but flavor, which is virtually all smell, is totally gone. So that for example they would not be able to savor fine wine, or enjoy lemon meringue pie. Hell indeed!

    The average cup of coffee contains more than 1000 different chemical components, none of which is tasted in isolation but only as part of the overall flavor.

    About one in every 2000 people automatically sees colors when hearing words, letters or numbers The vast majority (roughly 90 per cent) are female.

    The Sound Pressure Levels typical of commonly encountered noise sources in decibels, with the threshold of hearing being zero. Rustle of leaves - 10; Soft whisper - 30; Mosquito buzzing - 40; Average townhouse - 50; Ordinary conversation - 60; Busy street - 70; Power mower - 100; Threshold of pain - 120; Loud Rock Concert - 130; Jet engine at 30m - 150; Rocket engine at 30m - 180.

    Humans generally hear sound waves whose frequencies are between 20 and 20,000 Hz. Below 20 Hz, sounds are referred to as infrasonic, and above 20,000 Hz as ultrasonic.

    The speed of sound in water is approximately 1500 m/s while the speed of sound in air is approximately 340 m/s. Therefore, a 20 Hz sound in the water is 75 m long whereas a 20 Hz sound in air is 17 m long.

    African elephants are the largest mammals living on solid ground. They reach lengths up to 7.5 m and weights up to 7500 kg.

    Research has shown that the sun impacts our productivity at work and school. Workers in offices with constant sunlight and large windows have been shown to be both more efficient with their time and more accurate in completing their tasks.

    The same is true in schools. Schools with more daylight saw their students outperform counterparts in darker schools by 5% to 15%.

    Daniel F. Kripke, a researcher with the University of California San Diego, surveyed adults in San Diego, who wore wrist meters to register the amount of sunlight they received during the day. The study found that the majority were only exposed to sunlight for less than one hour per day and some did not go outdoors at all during a 48-hour period.

    The more than 1,000 disorders of the brain and nervous system result in more hospitalizations than any other disease group, including cancer and heart disease. Neurological illnesses affect more than 50 million Americans annually at costs exceeding 0 billion.

    In 1973, scientists discovered receptors for opiates on neurons in several regions of the brain that suggested the brain must make substances very similar to opium.

    The brain reaches its maximum weight near age 20 and slowly loses about 10 percent of its weight over a lifetime.

    Each year in the US, more than 97 million Americans suffer chronic, debilitating headaches or a bout with a bad back or the pain of arthritis -- all at a total cost of some 0 billion.

    Epilepsy can start at any age and can result from inheriting a mutant gene.

    Manic depression affects 1.2 percent of Americans aged 18 or older annually, or 2.2 million individuals. Approximately equal numbers of men and women suffer from the condition.

    In 1997, 1.5 million Americans were current cocaine users.

    The most common central nervous system disease of young adults after epilepsy is multiple sclerosis (MS) which affects more than 300,000 people in the US.

    Roughly one in every 500 people in America suffers from Tourettes Syndrome, a little understood genetic condition that affects males three to four times as frequently as females.

    Recycling all of your home's waste newsprint, cardboard, glass, and metal can reduce carbon dioxide emissions by 850 pounds a year.

    Enough energy is saved by recycling one aluminum can to run a TV set for three hours or to light one 100 watt bulb for 20 hours.

    Annually, enough energy is saved by recycling steel to supply Los Angeles with electricity for almost 10 years.

    The Greatest mass extinction in Earth's history was at the end of the Permian age about 251 million years ago.

    Over 900 million people speak Mandarin Chinese, making it the most spoken first language on Earth. By contrast, English is spoken by over 400 million people as a first language; but has a further 1.1 billion who speak it as a second language i.e. 1.5 billion speakers in total, or approximately a quarter of all the people on Earth speak at least some English.

    The first standardized system of measurement was created around 2700BC in Mesopotamia.

    The word “Jeep” comes from “GP” which is short for General Purpose.

    In 1997, the United States emitted about one-fifth of total global greenhouse gases.

    If emissions of carbon dioxide were halted today, it would take more than a century for the atmospheric level of carbon dioxide to approach its pre-industrial level.

    By 2100, in the absence of emissions control policies, carbon dioxide concentrations are projected to be 30-150% higher than today's levels.

    The coldest known star is an unnamed star about 160 light years from Earth. Its surface temperature is only 2600F which is 7400F cooler than the Sun!

    The largest known Nebula (cloud of gas and dust) is the Tarantula Nebula, named for its shape.

    Our Galaxy's oldest stars are Red Dwarfs, which are also the smallest and most abundant, numbering 70% of the Galaxy's Stars.

    The highest point on Mars is the Olympus Mons Volcano, which has a 50-mile wide summit and rises 13? miles above a lava-strewn plain.

    The 'Red Planet' isn't really red at all, NASA photographs indicate that it is more of a tan or butterscotch color.

    A Martian day is surprisingly similar in length to one on Earth (24 hours and 37 minutes), but a Martian year is nearly twice as long (687 days).

    Laser stands for 'Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation'. A laser beam is produced when light bounces back and forth between two mirrors with a special medium (gas, liquid, or solid) between them. As it bounces, the light triggers energized atoms in the medium to release more light, some of which leaks out through one of the mirrors to produce the laser beam.

    The first laser was constructed in 1960 by Theodore H. Maiman of the United States using a rod of ruby. Ruby lasers are used to drill holes in diamonds and sapphires for watch bearings.

    Quicksand is formed when sand, clay, and water are mixed in just the right way, with a surface that seems solid until you step on it, and it suddenly becomes liquid!

    The machine to win the first flying prize in 1901 was an airship.

    The modern safety match was invented in Sweden in 1855 by J.E. Lundstrom. It works because one of the chemicals needed to start the fire is in the striking surface.

    It has been estimated that sand deposits in the Sahara Desert cover about 7,000,000 square km (2,700,000 square miles).

    Johannes Kepler used the recorded movement of Mars to formulate his three laws of planetary motion in the 17th Century, which laid the foundation for modern Astronomy.

    Dirty snow melts faster than white snow because it's darker and absorbs more heat.

    Abdul Kassem Ismael, Grand Vizier of Persia in the tenth century, carried his library with him wherever he went. The 117,000 volumes were carried by 400 camels trained to walk in alphabetical order.

    Astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin ate roasted turkey from foil packets at their first meal on the moon.

    Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living.

    If you take one pound of cobwebs and spread them out in one straight line, it will go around the earth 2 times.

    As women age, there is a general thinning of head hair. But many older women experience an increase in hair elsewhere: an estimated 40 percent of women over the age of 80 are likely to be troubled by excessive facial hair.

    As many as 80 percent of men experience enlargement of the prostate, a gland at the base of the bladder that produces fluid needed to transport and nourish sperm. While the problem does not generally affect sexual capacity or enjoyment, it causes more frequent or difficult urination.

    Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation

    In ancient China doctors would only receive fees if the patient stayed in good health. Sometimes if the patient’s health became too bad, the doctor had to pay them.

    In Sweden in the Middle Ages, a mayor was once elected by a louse. The candidates rested their beards on a table and the louse was placed in the middle. The louse's chosen host was elected mayor.

    In China, the bride wears red.

    More types of fish swim in Brazil's Amazon River than in the entire Atlantic Ocean.

    On male shirts the buttons are on the right side, on female shirts the left side. This is because in Victorian times, the men were right handed and buttoned their own shirts, but women had a maid to dress them and the buttons were on the correct side for the maids to do up.

    Police in Hong Kong stopped a man because he seemed to be 'oddly shaped'. He was found to be wearing 18 bras and 45 pairs of ladies' panties.

    Tabasco sauce is made by fermenting vinegar and hot peppers in a French oak barrel which has three inches of salt on top and is aged for three years until all the salt is diffused through the barrel.

    It typically takes twelve years and close to billion dollars to develop a new medicine.

    The Boomtown Rats, whose lead singer was Bob Geldof, biggest hit was inspired by a female random killer whose excuse was 'I don't like Mondays'.

    In 1935 Jesse Owens broke 4 world records in 45 minutes.

    In 1963, as part of a National Cancer Institute Program to screen plant species for anticancer activity, the US Forest Service collected Pacific Yew tree bark and shipped it to the NCI for study. It was subsequently discovered that an extract (taxol) of the bark has anti-tumor activity.

    Cystallite is the material snooker balls are made from.

    Duplication in the human genome is more extensive then it is in other primates. About 5% of the human genome consists of copies longer than 1,000 bases.

    Some duplications cause disease. A type of Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease, for example, arises from a duplication of 1.5 million bases in a gene on chromosome 17. The disease causes numb hands and feet.

    The genome of flowering plants doubled twice, an estimated 180 and 112 million years ago, and rice did it again 45 million years ago.

    In February 2001 it was announced that the human genome contains not 100,000 genes as originally expected, but only 30,000.

    Allied bombers were issued with Biro pens as fountain pens leaked at high altitude.

    A study of more than half a million children in Denmark has concluded that the triple vaccine that protects against measles, mumps and rubella (mmr) does not cause autism.

    Two of the greatest writers who ever lived, William Shakespeare and Miguel de Cervantes (who wrote Don Quixote), both died on 23rd April 1616.

    In 2000, the last year for available statistics, the pharmaceutical industry in the US employed 57,488 technicians and scientists, 339 more than in 1999. Nevertheless, the industry has lost jobs, mainly among clinical researchers, whose numbers fell from 14,402 in 1999 to 11,999 in 2000.

    Research and development investment by pharmaceutical companies has gone from billion (US) a year in 1980 to .3 billion in 2001; and is expected to have increased by another to billion in 2002 when figures are finally released.

    Until 1936 in New York, it was against the law to wear topless bathing suits, for women and men.

    One study has found that children whose mothers were treated with anti-epilepsy drugs designed to calm brain activity were more likely to have developmental problems and lower IQ.

    Simply making a basic memory chip and running it for the typical lifespan of a computer eats up 800 times the chip's own weight in fossil fuel.

    The 180m sprint of the 776 BC Olympics (the earliest recorded) was won by Coroebus.

    An estimated 10 million to 30 million Americans were given a polio vaccine between 1955 and 1963 which was contaminated with the simian virus SV40, according to an Institute of Medicine report issued 22nd Oct 2002.

    In 1990, there were 239 near misses, or 'air proximity incidents', reported in European Airspace. By 1999 this had risen to 499.

    Global Air Traffic is rising at a rate of 7% per annum.

    There are approximately 300 boats reported stolen each year in Wisconsin and over 27,000 boats stolen each year in the United States.

    The course record for the Oxford v Cambridge University Boat Race is 16 mins 19 secs - set by Cambridge in 1998.

    SPF stands for Sun Protection Factor. This number is a multiplier that tells you how much longer you can remain in the sun without burning when wearing a sun block. For instance, if you can usually tolerate the sun for 10 minutes without a burn, an SPF 15 will provide you with 15 times that, or 150 minutes of protection without burning.

    Rice plants may have up to 55,000 genes.

    The average American will eat a half-ton of cheese in his/her lifetime. The main source of which will come from pizza, where in America there are 4.2 billion pizza purchases made every year, which equates to 11.5 million purchases every day, half of which are on Friday and Saturday.

    Cheddar is the best-selling cheese in the U.S. with mozzarella a close second. 1 oz. of cheese contains the same protein as 8 oz. of milk.

    There are more than 1,000 varieties of cherries in the United States, but fewer than 10 are produced commercially.

    Over 70% of the UK population eats fish and chips more than once every six months and just under 50% eat it once a month. 14% of all adults enjoy fish and chips once or twice a week. Fish and chips was the only take-away food not to be rationed during the Second World War. Frederick Lord Woolton, Minister of Food at the time, even allowed mobile frying vans to carry fish and chips to evacuees around the country!

    The word perfume comes from the Latin per fumum, which means "through smoke" (per means through, fumum means smoke). Eau de cologne - contains about 3-5% perfume oil. Used by men. Aftershave lotions & splash colognes - contains about 0.5-2% perfume oil. Used by men. Eau de parfum - contains about 15-18% perfume oil. Used by women. Eau de toilette - contains about 4-8% perfume oil. Used by women.

    Since perfume scent retains longer on oily skin, apply a layer of petroleum jelly (eg, Vaseline) onto your skin before putting on perfume.

    http://www.rednova.com/science/facts...science_facts/
    Last edited by HobbesIsReal; 06/17/2005 at 12:21 PM.
  2. #2  
    Well, that about covers it all.
    MaxiMunK.com The Forum That Asks, "Are You Not Entertained?"

    Remember: "Anyone that thinks the Treo should just work right out of the box, shouldn't own a Treo..."
  3. #3  
    What about that zebra thingie??
    Well behaved women rarely make history
  4. #4  
    Thanks for sharing. I saved it as a word doc for those times my brain needs a jump start.

    Is there a scientific fact that this list can be memorized?
    Palm III > Palm V > Palm Vx > (Sprint) Kyo 6035 > Handspring Treo 300
    > Handspring Treo 600 Oct.'03 > Palm Treo 700P May'06 > Treo 755P Aug.'07 > Pre(-) June'09 + TouchPad July'11 LONG LIVE webOS!!!
  5.    #5  
    Funny Quotes from Gore
    "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

    -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "For NASA, space is still a high priority."

    -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

    -- Vice President Al Gore


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

    -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

    -- Vice President Al Gore


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

    -- Vice President Al Gore


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

    -- Vice President Al Gore


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

    -- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

    -- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

    -- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

    -- Vice President Al Gore


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "The future will be better tomorrow."

    -- Vice President Al Gore


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

    -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

    -- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

    -- Vice President Al Gore

    "I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."

    -- Vice President Al Gore


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

    -- Vice President Al Gore


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

    -- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

    -- Vice President Al Gore


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."

    -- Vice President Al Gore


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

    -- Vice President Al Gore


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

    -- Vice President Al Gore


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."

    -- Vice President Al Gore

    (Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

    -- Al Gore


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."

    -- Vice President Al Gore





    Dan Quayle Quotes
    From Daniel Kurtzman,
    Your Guide to Political Humor.
    FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now!

    Famously Stupid Quotes by Former Vice President Dan Quayle
    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

    "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

    "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

    "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

    "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

    "Mars is essentially in the same orbit . . . Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

    "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

    "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."

    "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

    "The future will be better tomorrow."

    "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

    "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

    "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

    "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."

    "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."

    "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

    "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

    "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

    "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

    "For NASA, space is still a high priority."

    "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

    "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

    "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

    "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."









    Funny Political Quotes
    Funny Quotes, Witty One-Liners & Dumb Sound Bites - Updated Frequently

    "I've never been able to understand [Howard Dean's] appeal. Maybe his mother loved him, but I've never met anybody who does. He's never won anything, as best I can tell." --Vice President Cheney, on Howard Dean, in an interview on Fox News' "Hannity & Colmes"

    "My view is that Fox News is a propaganda outlet for the Republican Party and I don't comment on Fox News" --Howard Dean, in response

    "You know, the Republicans are not very friendly to different kinds of people. They're a pretty monolithic party. Pretty much, they all behave the same, and they all look the same. ... It's pretty much a white Christian party.'' --Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean, speaking about the lack of outreach to minority communities by political parties

    "I can't tell you how often I get up in the morning and go to work and wonder if in fact I'm not really an ambassador to a foreign country." --Sen. Evan Bayh (D-IN)

    "There's something deadly serious here. People that brought down Nixon also resulted in the fall of South Vietnam, the death of hundreds of thousands of people. ... Nixon was brought down by people who were a hell of a lot worse than he was." —Former Nixon speechwriter Pat Buchanan (Read more dumb quotes about Deep Throat)

    "President Nixon once suspected him [Mark Felt]. I'm surprised he didn't end up dead somewhere because of that." --Former Secretary of State Lawrence Eagleburger

    Dueling Quotes

    "We've said all along that when the source, known as Deep Throat, dies, we will reveal his identity." --Carl Bernstein (AP, 5/31/05)

    "Bob and I have been wise enough never to tell our wives and we certainly never told our children." -- Bernstein, on a report that his son identified Mark Felt during day camp (Los Angeles Daily News, 7/29/99)

    From a Rolling Stone interview with Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV):

    RS: You've called Bush a loser.
    Reid: And a liar.
    RS: You apologized for the loser comment.
    Reid: But never for the liar, have I?

    "You think people can work all day and then pick up their kids at child care or wherever and get home and still manage to sandwich in an eight-hour vote? Well Republicans, I guess can do that. Because a lot of them have never made an honest living in their lives." --Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean, speaking at the Campaign for America's Future annual gathering


    ''He's been a pro-life Mormon faking it as a pro-choice friendly"--Michael Murphy, adviser to Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, on his boss's new stance on abortion

    "I myself am a 992 month-old embryo." --Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.), opposing a bill to loosen President Bush's restrictions on funding for stem cell research

    "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." —George W. Bush, Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005 (Read more Bushisms)

    "More people joined the Michael Jackson fan club. We've done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit, and now we need warm bodies." --Comedian Bill Maher, on the Army missing its April recruiting goal by 42 percent

    "I think it borders on treason. In treason, one definition is to undermine the effort or national security of our country." --Rep. Spencer Bachus (R-Ala.), calling for the cancellation of Bill Maher's HBO show in response to Maher's remark about Army recruiting

    "So, Senator, if we should have done it and if we had the votes to do it in the Senate -- if you guys in the Republican Party did -- then why did you need a compromise?" --Fox News Anchor David Asman, responding to Sen. Trent Lott's (R-MS) suggestion that Senate Republicans had the necessary votes to invoke the so-called nuclear option to end judicial filibusters

    "I'm especially looking forward to meeting Karl Rove... Smart men like him are so sexy. I know that he's against gay marriage, but I think I can convince him that a little girl-on-girl action now and then isn't so bad!" --Porn star/former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey, on being invited to dine with President Bush

    "You're going straight in the Army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Koo-Koo-Bananas in charge!" --Homer Simpson to Bart Simpson on The Simpsons, May 15, 2005

    Dueling Quotes:

    What the Democrats are doing is "the equivalent of Adolf Hitler in 1942 saying, 'I'm in Paris. How dare you invade me. How dare you bomb my city? It's mine.' This is no more the rule of the Senate than it was the rule of the Senate before not to filibuster." --Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), May 19, 2005

    "Senator Byrd's inappropriate remarks comparing his Republican colleagues with Nazis are inexcusable. These comments lessen the credibility of the senator and the decorum of the Senate. He should retract his statement and ask for pardon." --Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), March 2, 2005

    "Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group that believes you can do these things. Among them are a few Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or business man. Their number is negligible and they are stupid." -President Eisenhower, 1954, predicting %
    0D
    the GOP demise over Social Security

    "You got it backwards. You messed around with a Jewish girl, and now you're paying a goyish lawyer. You should have messed around with a goyish girl and gotten a Jewish lawyer." --Former White House aide Rahm Ehmanuel to President Clinton after the Monica Lewinsky scandal

    "The Horse Wankerer Charms Europe." --Blogger James Wolcott, bestowing a new nickname on President Bush

    "I am married to the President of the United States and here is our typical evening. Nine o'clock, Mr. Excitement here is sound asleep, and I am watching Desperate Housewives. With Lynne Cheney. Ladies and gentleman, I am a desperate housewife." --First Lady Laura Bush at the 2005 White House Correspondents' Dinner

    "George always says that he's delighted to come to these press dinners. Baloney. He's usually in bed by now. I'm not kidding. I said to him the other day, George, if you really want to end tyranny in the world, you're going to have to stay up later." --First Lady Laura Bush

    "I'm proud of George. He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse." --First Lady Laura Bush

    "Laura Leno Bush." --President Bush, giving a new nickname to Laura Bush following her widely acclaimed comedy routine at the White House Correspondents' Dinner

    "Usually the way it works is people prostitute themselves after they become reporters." --Gay male prostitute-turned White House correspondent Jeff Gannon

    "I learned how to shoot a gun. I think I did really good" --Jessica Simpson, on receiving firing-range instruction on using an M4 carbine, a 9mm pistol and a grenade launcher while visiting troops overseas

    "I swear, Bill Clinton could get action on Mars." --MSNBC's Chris Matthews, on the former President Clinton's personality

    "Do you still have Splash Day? You have to be a baby boomer to know what I'm talking about. I'm not saying whether I came or not on Splash Day. I'm just saying, Do you have Splash Day?" --President Bush to locals in Galveston, Texas, referring to an annual beach party that dates to the 1950s, which is now an unofficial gay and lesbian event

    "Think about Shakespeare. It's bloody. All those things that boys might like." --First Lady Laura Bush, on her plan to take Shakespeare to U.S. ganglands

    "There's something about that image of Bush and Prince Abdullah holding hands as they walked through a field of bluebonnets on Monday that just won't quit. Is it the way it plays against Bush's cowboy image? Is it the contrast between Bush's talk of global democracy and his embrace of the leader of an absolute monarchy? Is it that it reminds us of our dependence on Saudi oil? Is that it looked, well, a little gay? I suspect it's all those and more."--Washington Post.com columnist Dan Froomkin

    "I usually am pretty amused by most comedians ... but if I were you I would look out for Barbara Bush." --First Lady Laura Bush to Jay Leno

    "I admire the law enforcement community. My father was, you know, a police officer." --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose father was ranking officer in the Nazi SA

    "Yesterday was a total screw-up in the words I used. Because instead of closing, I meant securing. I think maybe my English, I need to go back to school and study a little bit." --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, a day after he said California and other states needed to "close the borders" to deal with illegal immigration

    "From my point of view, they are the anti-Christ of the world." --Sen. Ken Salazar (D-CO) on Focus on the Family, the influential religious right group run by James Dobson

    "I'm enjoying the relationship and to be honest with you I didn't think I would." --Former President George Bush on his unlikely friendship with Bill Clinton

    "At least now you can be put out for stealing." --Former Sen. Bob Dole, on if he's happy baseball is back in Washington, D.C.

    "I had one guy one night, he introduced me at a speech, and over and over again he said every Viagra joke he could think of. So, I got up and said I really appreciate it and I bought you a year supply -- here's one tablet." --Former Sen. Bob Dole, on being a pitchman for Viagra

    "Ever is a very strong word." --House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, asked if he had ever crossed the line with ethical behavior in terms of dealing with lobbyists, use of government authority, or fundraising

    "That's the famous Hillary Clinton defense." --Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, on House Majority Leader Tom Delay blaming his ethical troubles on the "liberal news media"

    "George Bush goes to the dentist every day to pick up money. So all of a sudden if I get money it's a crime? Then everybody that runs for office ought to be in jail. The crime is that I didn't get enough money." --Rev. Al Sharpton, on allegations that underreported campaign donations and misued the difference

    "Lynne told me, '****, that's called laughing.' " --Vice President **** Cheney, describing a "a strange sensation in my chest" he experienced the other day at the annual Radio & TV Correspondents Dinner

    "I really think that he shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all; it shows that, in this great country, anybody can become president." --Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY), on President Bush

    "It helped Arnold." --Jay Leno, trying to get Rudy Giuliani to announce his political plans on the "Tonight Show"

    "We have to fix it or Rumsfeld may never retire." --President Bush, on Social Security, at the annual Gridiron Dinner

    "When he woke up he was surrounded by loved ones" -- his wife, his daughter and ... "my dad." --President Bush, on former President Clinton's recuperation from surgery

    "Through six-party talks we convince him to hold a presidential election -- and then we send Bob Shrum over to help him." --President Bush, on how to deal with North Korean President Kim Jong-Il, referring to Democratic presidential campaign director Bob Shrum and his 0-8 record

    "Those are all natural bodies." --President Bush, looking out at the press corps during the Gridiron Dinner and noting that none of them were on steroids

    "Sixty-four teams start and they're whittled down to just one. Kind of reminds me of what we've done with our allies." --New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson on the NCAA tournament, at the Gridiron Dinner

    "The Secretariat building in New York has 38 stories. If it lost ten stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference." --John Bolton, President Bush's nominee for U.N. ambassador

    "The jobs I'm being asked to do, the five hats that I wear, are too much for this mortal. I'm a little amazed at the workload." --CIA Director Porter Goss, March 2, 2005

    "I couldn't get a job with CIA today. I am not qualified." --Rep. Porter Goss, in a March 3, 2004 interview that was cut from "Fahrenheit 9/11"

    "When Bush got into office, there was a surplus of money -- now there's like a $70 trillion deficit. Now just imagine you work at the GAP. You close out your register and you're $70 trillion short. The average person would get in trouble for something like that. Not Bush. Then he started a war. ... Now just imagine you work at the GAP. You're $70 trillion behind on your register and then you start a war with the Banana Republic because you say they got toxic tank tops over there. You have the war, people are dying -- 1,000 GAP employees are dead, bleeding all over the khakis -- you finally take over Banana Republic and find they never made tank tops in the first place." --Chris Rock, in his opening monologue at the Academy Awards

    "Oprah is so rich that I saw John Kerry proposing to her just an hour ago." --Chris Rock, at the Academy Awards

    "You know he’s thinking 'I should have made Super Size Me — I’ve done the research.'" --Chris Rock, on Michael Moore

    "In the 1261 days since Mr. Bush swore that he get Osama bin Laden dead or alive, he has spent about 10 times more on tax cuts for the rich as he has on homeland security. At a House hearing yesterday, even the Republican chairman of a House subcommittee on border security expressed disappointment over Mr. Bush's lack of funding for border security. I suppose Mr. Bush's logic is, sure you might be killed by terrorists, but at least your orphan children won't have to pay any estate tax." --"Crossfire" host Paul Begala

    "This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table." —President Bush (Read more Bushisms)

    "We didn't criticize you when you fired those reporters at CBS." --Russian President Vladimir Putin to President Bush, after Bush criticized Putin for restricting freedom of the press in Russia

    "I wouldn't answer the marijuana question. You know why? 'Cause I don't want some little kid doin' what I tried. You gotta understand, I want to be president, I want to lead, I want to set ... do you want your little kid to say, 'Hey Daddy, President Bush tried marijuana, I think I will'? --George W. Bush, in a secretly taped conversation with Doug Wead, a former Bush family friend

    "It was pitiful...I almost felt sorry for him, until I heard someone call him 'Mr. President,' and then I felt ashamed." --Hunter S. Thompson, on Bush's 2004 debate performance (Read more Hunter S. Thompson quotes)

    "He knew who I was, at that time, because I had a reputation as a writer. I knew he was part of the Bush dynasty. But he was nothing, he offered nothing, and he promised nothing. He had no humor. He was insignificant in every way and consequently I didn't pay much attention to him. But when he passed out in my bathtub, then I noticed him. I'd been in another room, talking to the bright people. I had to have him taken away." --Hunter S. Thompson, on meeting George W. Bush at Thompson's Super Bowl party in Houston in 1974

    "Some of the districts look literally drawn by a drunk with an etch-a-sketch." --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on the state's gerrymandered legislative districts

    "I am not going to give you a number for it because it's not my business to do intelligent work." --Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, asked to estimate the number of Iraqi insurgents while testifying before Congress (Read more Rumsfeld quotes)

    "Hey, hey, ho, ho, Social Security has to go!" -- a chant chanted by Republican activists at a town hall meeting hosted by Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.)

    "Senate Democratic leaders have painted a very bleak picture of the U.S. economy. Harry Reid was talking about soup lines, and Hillary Clinton was talking about the economy being on the verge of collapse. Yet, in the same breath, they say that Social Security is rock solid and there's no crisis there. How are you going to work -- you said you're going to reach out to these people -- how are you going to work with people who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?" --White House "correspondent" Jeff Gannon, asking President Bush a question at a news conference. Gannon, a Republican shill known for lobbing softball questions, is also known as James Guckert, a paid escort for wealthy homosexuals and the creator of Web sites titled Hotmilitarystud.com, Workingboys.net, and Militaryescorts.com.

    Shot: "N. Korea Announces It Has Nuclear Weapons" --AP (2/10/05)
    Chaser: "N. Korea Wondering What It Has To Do To Attract U.S. Military Attention" -- The Onion (2/12/03)
    (Courtesy of The Hotline)

    "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." --President Bush, to a divorced mother of three in Omaha, Nebraska (Read more Bushisms)

    "4 More Years ... Thank You Hollywood!" --a billboard placed by a conservative group on Hollywood Boulevard, one block from where the Academy Awards is set to be held

    "Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red. Okay, better? I'll keep working on it." --President Bush, explaining his Social Security plan, Tampa, Florida, Feb. 4, 2005

    "I don't have the slightest clue who Hillary is. All I see is a gal who knew she was as good as anyone else, and she saw this guy she could make something of, and went to Arkansas. That's a hell of a move to make for a redneck." --Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY), on Hillary Clinton

    "Fox News Channel ... placed an ad on the TV Newser Web site, seeking applicants for the position of fact writer. Hey, good for them! They're branching out into something new -- facts!" --MSNBC's Keith Olbermann

    Feb. 2 was both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address. As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication -- and the other involves a groundhog."

    "Actually it's quite fun to fight 'em, you know. It's a hell of a hoot. It's fun to shoot some people. I'll be right up front with you, I like brawling." --Lt. Gen. James Mattis, who commanded troops in Iraq and Afghanistan and is slated to be portrayed by star actor Harrison Ford in an upcoming Hollywood movie

    "You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil. You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them." --Lt. Gen. James Mattis

    "I spent the day reflecting on previous W States of the Union. Hey, Mr. Prez, is that Axis of Evil any less evil now? Is North Korea any more cooperative? Is Iran any less belligerent? How is that battle against AIDS in Africa going? Did you find all that yellowcake from Niger? How about all those caches of chemical and biological weapons in Iraq? Are we still leaving children behind? Have we nabbed Bin Laden? Can I start planning my trip to Mars now?" --Columnist Eric Alterman

    "When you get a call from Johnny Carson and he's got jokes for you, it's like Christmas morning." --David Letterman, paying tribute to Johnny Carson by delivering a "Late Show" monologue composed entirely of jokes the retired "Tonight Show" host had quietly sent him in his final months

    "You really don't have to have very many communications skills if you have a couple of hundred people who will jump to their feet when you recite the ABCs." --Democratic House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, on Bush's State of the Union Address

    "Ted is understandably bitter having lost his ratings, his network and now his mind -- we wish him well." --A Fox spokesperson, after CNN founder Ted Turner criticized the Fox network as a "propaganda voice" of the Bush administration and compared Fox News Channel's popularity to Adolf Hitler's rise to power in Germany before World War II

    "If you cannot beat a president ... that plunged our nation into a war that was unconstitutional, what good are you?" --Ralph Nader, who received less than 1 percent of the vote in the 2004 presidential election

    "My 20 minutes on 'The Tonight Show' did more for my career than speaking for two days at the Democratic National Convention." --President Bill Clinton

    "Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. ...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. ... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ... And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle." --Johnny Carson

    "As a comedian he taught me it was okay to be known for doing political humor, but never make the mistake of thinking you're a political commentator. It's okay to satirize the society we live in. just don't start believing you're a social commentator." –-Jay Leno, on Johnny Carson

    "Do you think the War on Poverty is over? Why, yes, I think it is, and the poor lost." -Comedian Rich Little, impersonating Ronald Reagan at one of President Bush's inaugural balls, prompting uproarious laughter

    "Although a member of the Bush family has been part of the ruling Presidential ticket 5 out of the last 7 contests, both 41 and 43 went out of their way to say they don't appreciate the term 'dynasty.' Yeah, well, you know what? Neither do we." --Comedian Will Durst

    "Because he's hiding." --President Bush, after being asked by the Washington Post why Osama bin Laden has not been caught, aboard Air Force One, Jan. 14, 2005

    "It's important for people to know that I'm the president of everybody." --President Bush, aboard Air Force One, Jan. 14, 2005

    "I can remember getting back to the White House, and Laura said, 'Why did you do that for?' I don't know if you'd call it a regret, but it certainly is a lesson that a president must be mindful of, that the words that you sometimes say." --President Bush, reflecting on saying that he wanted Osama bin Laden "dead or alive," Washington, D.C., Jan. 14, 2005

    "I speak plainly sometimes, but you've got to be mindful of the consequences of the words. So put that down. I don't know if you'd call that a confession, a regret, something." —President Bush, speaking to reporters, Washington, D.C., Jan. 14, 2005 (Read more Bushisms)

    "Michael Moore and I actually have a lot in common -- we both appreciate living in a country where there's free expression. "But, Michael, if you ever show up at my front door with a camera - I'll kill you. "I mean it." --Actor Clint Eastwood, at the National Board of Review awards dinner

    "Don't cheerleaders all over America form pyramids six to eight times a year. Is that torture?" --Guy Womack, attorney for Charles Graner, accused ringleader in the Iraq prisoner abuse scandal, in opening arguments of the reservist sergeant's court-martial

    "This is your chance to put your considerable money where your considerable mouth is." --Actor George Clooney, in a letter to Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, inviting O'Reilly to take part in a telethon to aid tsunami victims, after O'Reilly questioned whether the pledged money would make its way to victims

    "I think it would have been better if he hadn't gone windsurfing." --Ex-Democratic consultant Bob Shrum, on John Kerry

    "I guess I come down more firmly in the Jon Stewart camp." --CNN Chief Executive Jonathan Klein, on his decision to cancel "Crossfire," which Stewart slammed last year during a controversial appearance on the show

    "I had no idea that if you wanted a show canceled, all you had to do was say it out loud." --Jon Stewart, on the cancellation of "Crossfire"

    "Get some devastation in the back." --Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, to an aide as he posed for a photo op while visiting tsunami-ravaged Sri Lanka

    "I've always felt it's better to be sworn in that to be sworn at." --Sen. Patrick Leahy, after Vice President **** Cheney swore him in to a new Senate term (last year Cheney told Leahy to "go f*ck yourself" during a heated exchange on the Senate floor)

    "Hi, I'm Richard Gere and I'm speaking for the entire world. We're with you during this election time. It's really important. Get out and vote." --Actor Richard Gere, urging Palestinians to vote in their upcoming election

    "I'm especially looking forward to meeting Karl Rove... Smart men like him are so sexy. I know that he's against gay marriage, but I think I can convince him that a little girl-on-girl action now and then isn't so bad!" --Porn star/former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey, on being invited to dine with President Bush

    "You're going straight in the Army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Koo-Koo-Bananas in charge!" --Homer Simpson to Bart Simpson on The Simpsons, May 15, 2005

    Dueling Quotes:

    What the Democrats are doing is "the equivalent of Adolf Hitler in 1942 saying, 'I'm in Paris. How dare you invade me. How dare you bomb my city? It's mine.' This is no more the rule of the Senate than it was the rule of the Senate before not to filibuster." --Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), May 19, 2005

    "Senator Byrd's inappropriate remarks comparing his Republican colleagues with Nazis are inexcusable. These comments lessen the credibility of the senator and the decorum of the Senate. He should retract his statement and ask for pardon." --Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), March 2, 2005

    "You got it backwards. You messed around with a Jewish girl, and now you're paying a goyish lawyer. You should have messed around with a goyish girl and gotten a Jewish lawyer." --Former White House aide Rahm Ehmanuel to President Clinton after the Monica Lewinsky scandal

    "The Horse Wankerer Charms Europe." --Blogger James Wolcott, bestowing a new nickname on President Bush

    "I am married to the President of the United States and here is our typical evening. Nine o'clock, Mr. Excitement here is sound asleep, and I am watching Desperate Housewives. With Lynne Cheney. Ladies and gentleman, I am a desperate housewife." --First Lady Laura Bush at the 2005 White House Correspondents' Dinner

    "George always says that he's delighted to come to these press dinners. Baloney. He's usually in bed by now. I'm not kidding. I said to him the other day, George, if you really want to end tyranny in the world, you're going to have to stay up later." --First Lady Laura Bush

    "I'm proud of George. He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse." --First Lady Laura Bush

    "Laura Leno Bush." --President Bush, giving a new nickname to Laura Bush following her widely acclaimed comedy routine at the White House Correspondents' Dinner

    "Usually the way it works is people prostitute themselves after they become reporters." --Gay male prostitute-turned White House correspondent Jeff Gannon

    "I learned how to shoot a gun. I think I did really good" --Jessica Simpson, on receiving firing-range instruction on using an M4 carbine, a 9mm pistol and a grenade launcher while visiting troops overseas

    "I swear, Bill Clinton could get action on Mars." --MSNBC's Chris Matthews, on the former President Clinton's personality

    "Do you still have Splash Day? You have to be a baby boomer to know what I'm talking about. I'm not saying whether I came or not on Splash Day. I'm just saying, Do you have Splash Day?" --President Bush to locals in Galveston, Texas, referring to an annual beach party that dates to the 1950s, which is now an unofficial gay and lesbian event

    "Think about Shakespeare. It's bloody. All those things that boys might like." --First Lady Laura Bush, on her plan to take Shakespeare to U.S. ganglands

    "There's something about that image of Bush and Prince Abdullah holding hands as they walked through a field of bluebonnets on Monday that just won't quit. Is it the way it plays against Bush's cowboy image? Is it the contrast between Bush's talk of global democracy and his embrace of the leader of an absolute monarchy? Is it that it reminds us of our dependence on Saudi oil? Is that it looked, well, a little gay? I suspect it's all those and more."--Washington Post.com columnist Dan Froomkin

    "I usually am pretty amused by most comedians ... but if I were you I would look out for Barbara Bush." --First Lady Laura Bush to Jay Leno

    "I admire the law enforcement community. My father was, you know, a police officer." --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose father was ranking officer in the Nazi SA

    "Yesterday was a total screw-up in the words I used. Because instead of closing, I meant securing. I think maybe my English, I need to go back to school and study a little bit." --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, a day after he said California and other states needed to "close the borders" to deal with illegal immigration

    "From my point of view, they are the anti-Christ of the world." --Sen. Ken Salazar (D-CO) on Focus on the Family, the influential religious right group run by James Dobson

    "I'm enjoying the relationship and to be honest with you I didn't think I would." --Former President George Bush on his unlikely friendship with Bill Clinton

    "At least now you can be put out for stealing." --Former Sen. Bob Dole, on if he's happy baseball is back in Washington, D.C.

    "I had one guy one night, he introduced me at a speech, and over and over again he said every Viagra joke he could think of. So, I got up and said I really appreciate it and I bought you a year supply -- here's one tablet." --Former Sen. Bob Dole, on being a pitchman for Viagra

    "Ever is a very strong word." --House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, asked if he had ever crossed the line with ethical behavior in terms of dealing with lobbyists, use of government authority, or fundraising

    "That's the famous Hillary Clinton defense." --Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, on House Majority Leader Tom Delay blaming his ethical troubles on the "liberal news media"

    "George Bush goes to the dentist every day to pick up money. So all of a sudden if I get money it's a crime? Then everybody that runs for office ought to be in jail. The crime is that I didn't get enough money." --Rev. Al Sharpton, on allegations that underreported campaign donations and misued the difference

    "Lynne told me, '****, that's called laughing.' " --Vice President **** Cheney, describing a "a strange sensation in my chest" he experienced the other day at the annual Radio & TV Correspondents Dinner

    "I really think that he shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all; it shows that, in this great country, anybody can become president." --Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY), on President Bush

    "It helped Arnold." --Jay Leno, trying to get Rudy Giuliani to announce his political plans on the "Tonight Show"

    "We have to fix it or Rumsfeld may never retire." --President Bush, on Social Security, at the annual Gridiron Dinner

    "When he woke up he was surrounded by loved ones" -- his wife, his daughter and ... "my dad." --President Bush, on former President Clinton's recuperation from surgery

    "Through six-party talks we convince him to hold a presidential election -- and then we send Bob Shrum over to help him." --President Bush, on how to deal with North Korean President Kim Jong-Il, referring to Democratic presidential campaign director Bob Shrum and his 0-8 record

    "Those are all natural bodies." --President Bush, looking out at the press corps during the Gridiron Dinner and noting that none of them were on steroids

    "Sixty-four teams start and they're whittled down to just one. Kind of reminds me of what we've done with our allies." --New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson on the NCAA tournament, at the Gridiron Dinner

    "The Secretariat building in New York has 38 stories. If it lost ten stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference." --John Bolton, President Bush's nominee for U.N. ambassador

    "The jobs I'm being asked to do, the five hats that I wear, are too much for this mortal. I'm a little amazed at the workload." --CIA Director Porter Goss, March 2, 2005

    "I couldn't get a job with CIA today. I am not qualified." --Rep. Porter Goss, in a March 3, 2004 interview that was cut from "Fahrenheit 9/11"

    "When Bush got into office, there was a surplus of money -- now there's like a $70 trillion deficit. Now just imagine you work at the GAP. You close out your register and you're $70 trillion short. The average person would get in trouble for something like that. Not Bush. Then he started a war. ... Now just imagine you work at the GAP. You're $70 trillion behind on your register and then you start a war with the Banana Republic because you say they got toxic tank tops over there. You have the war, people are dying -- 1,000 GAP employees are dead, bleeding all over the khakis -- you finally take over Banana Republic and find they never made tank tops in the first place." --Chris Rock, in his opening monologue at the Academy Awards

    "Oprah is so rich that I saw John Kerry proposing to her just an hour ago." --Chris Rock, at the Academy Awards

    "You know he’s thinking 'I should have made Super Size Me — I’ve done the research.'" --Chris Rock, on Michael Moore

    "In the 1261 days since Mr. Bush swore that he get Osama bin Laden dead or alive, he has spent about 10 times more on tax cuts for the rich as he has on homeland security. At a House hearing yesterday, even the Republican chairman of a House subcommittee on border security expressed disappointment over Mr. Bush's lack of funding for border security. I suppose Mr. Bush's logic is, sure you might be killed by terrorists, but at least your orphan children won't have to pay any estate tax." --"Crossfire" host Paul Begala

    "This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table." —President Bush (Read more Bushisms)

    "We didn't criticize you when you fired those reporters at CBS." --Russian President Vladimir Putin to President Bush, after Bush criticized Putin for restricting freedom of the press in Russia

    "I wouldn't answer the marijuana question. You know why? 'Cause I don't want some little kid doin' what I tried. You gotta understand, I want to be president, I want to lead, I want to set ... do you want your little kid to say, 'Hey Daddy, President Bush tried marijuana, I think I will'? --George W. Bush, in a secretly taped conversation with Doug Wead, a former Bush family friend

    "It was pitiful...I almost felt sorry for him, until I heard someone call him 'Mr. President,' and then I felt ashamed." --Hunter S. Thompson, on Bush's 2004 debate performance (Read more Hunter S. Thompson quotes)

    "He knew who I was, at that time, because I had a reputation as a writer. I knew he was part of the Bush dynasty. But he was nothing, he offered nothing, and he promised nothing. He had no humor. He was insignificant in every way and consequently I didn't pay much attention to him. But when he passed out in my bathtub, then I noticed him. I'd been in another room, talking to the bright people. I had to have him taken away." --Hunter S. Thompson, on meeting George W. Bush at Thompson's Super Bowl party in Houston in 1974

    "Some of the districts look literally drawn by a drunk with an etch-a-sketch." --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on the state's gerrymandered legislative districts

    "I am not going to give you a number for it because it's not my business to do intelligent work." --Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, asked to estimate the number of Iraqi insurgents while testifying before Congress (Read more Rumsfeld quotes)

    "Hey, hey, ho, ho, Social Security has to go!" -- a chant chanted by Republican activists at a town hall meeting hosted by Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.)

    "Senate Democratic leaders have painted a very bleak picture of the U.S. economy. Harry Reid was talking about soup lines, and Hillary Clinton was talking about the economy being on the verge of collapse. Yet, in the same breath, they say that Social Security is rock solid and there's no crisis there. How are you going to work -- you said you're going to reach out to these people -- how are you going to work with people who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?" --White House "correspondent" Jeff Gannon, asking President Bush a question at a news conference. Gannon, a Republican shill known for lobbing softball questions, is also known as James Guckert, a paid escort for wealthy homosexuals and the creator of Web sites titled Hotmilitarystud.com, Workingboys.net, and Militaryescorts.com.

    Shot: "N. Korea Announces It Has Nuclear Weapons" --AP (2/10/05)
    Chaser: "N. Korea Wondering What It Has To Do To Attract U.S. Military Attention" -- The Onion (2/12/03)
    (Courtesy of The Hotline)

    "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." --President Bush, to a divorced mother of three in Omaha, Nebraska (Read more Bushisms)

    "4 More Years ... Thank You Hollywood!" --a billboard placed by a conservative group on Hollywood Boulevard, one block from where the Academy Awards is set to be held

    "Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red. Okay, better? I'll keep working on it." --President Bush, explaining his Social Security plan, Tampa, Florida, Feb. 4, 2005

    "I don't have the slightest clue who Hillary is. All I see is a gal who knew she was as good as anyone else, and she saw this guy she could make something of, and went to Arkansas. That's a hell of a move to make for a redneck." --Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY), on Hillary Clinton

    "Fox News Channel ... placed an ad on the TV Newser Web site, seeking applicants for the position of fact writer. Hey, good for them! They're branching out into something new -- facts!" --MSNBC's Keith Olbermann

    Feb. 2 was both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address. As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication -- and the other involves a groundhog."

    "Actually it's quite fun to fight 'em, you know. It's a hell of a hoot. It's fun to shoot some people. I'll be right up front with you, I like brawling." --Lt. Gen. James Mattis, who commanded troops in Iraq and Afghanistan and is slated to be portrayed by star actor Harrison Ford in an upcoming Hollywood movie

    "You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil. You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them." --Lt. Gen. James Mattis

    "I spent the day reflecting on previous W States of the Union. Hey, Mr. Prez, is that Axis of Evil any less evil now? Is North Korea any more cooperative? Is Iran any less belligerent? How is that battle against AIDS in Africa going? Did you find all that yellowcake from Niger? How about all those caches of chemical and biological weapons in Iraq? Are we still leaving children behind? Have we nabbed Bin Laden? Can I start planning my trip to Mars now?" --Columnist Eric Alterman

    "When you get a call from Johnny Carson and he's got jokes for you, it's like Christmas morning." --David Letterman, paying tribute to Johnny Carson by delivering a "Late Show" monologue composed entirely of jokes the retired "Tonight Show" host had quietly sent him in his final months

    "You really don't have to have very many communications skills if you have a couple of hundred people who will jump to their feet when you recite the ABCs." --Democratic House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, on Bush's State of the Union Address

    "Ted is understandably bitter having lost his ratings, his network and now his mind -- we wish him well." --A Fox spokesperson, after CNN founder Ted Turner criticized the Fox network as a "propaganda voice" of the Bush administration and compared Fox News Channel's popularity to Adolf Hitler's rise to power in Germany before World War II

    "If you cannot beat a president ... that plunged our nation into a war that was unconstitutional, what good are you?" --Ralph Nader, who received less than 1 percent of the vote in the 2004 presidential election

    "My 20 minutes on 'The Tonight Show' did more for my career than speaking for two days at the Democratic National Convention." --President Bill Clinton

    "Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. ...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. ... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ... And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle." --Johnny Carson

    "As a comedian he taught me it was okay to be known for doing political humor, but never make the mistake of thinking you're a political commentator. It's okay to satirize the society we live in. just don't start believing you're a social commentator." –-Jay Leno, on Johnny Carson

    "Do you think the War on Poverty is over? Why, yes, I think it is, and the poor lost." -Comedian Rich Little, impersonating Ronald Reagan at one of President Bush's inaugural balls, prompting uproarious laughter

    "Although a member of the Bush family has been part of the ruling Presidential ticket 5 out of the last 7 contests, both 41 and 43 went out of their way to say they don't appreciate the term 'dynasty.' Yeah, well, you know what? Neither do we." --Comedian Will Durst

    "Because he's hiding." --President Bush, after being asked by the Washington Post why Osama bin Laden has not been caught, aboard Air Force One, Jan. 14, 2005

    "It's important for people to know that I'm the president of everybody." --President Bush, aboard Air Force One, Jan. 14, 2005

    "I can remember getting back to the White House, and Laura said, 'Why did you do that for?' I don't know if you'd call it a regret, but it certainly is a lesson that a president must be mindful of, that the words that you sometimes say." --President Bush, reflecting on saying that he wanted Osama bin Laden "dead or alive," Washington, D.C., Jan. 14, 2005

    "I speak plainly sometimes, but you've got to be mindful of the consequences of the words. So put that down. I don't know if you'd call that a confession, a regret, something." —President Bush, speaking to reporters, Washington, D.C., Jan. 14, 2005 (Read more Bushisms)

    "Michael Moore and I actually have a lot in common -- we both appreciate living in a country where there's free expression. "But, Michael, if you ever show up at my front door with a camera - I'll kill you. "I mean it." --Actor Clint Eastwood, at the National Board of Review awards dinner

    "Don't cheerleaders all over America form pyramids six to eight times a year. Is that torture?" --Guy Womack, attorney for Charles Graner, accused ringleader in the Iraq prisoner abuse scandal, in opening arguments of the reservist sergeant's court-martial

    "This is your chance to put your considerable money where your considerable mouth is." --Actor George Clooney, in a letter to Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, inviting O'Reilly to take part in a telethon to aid tsunami victims, after O'Reilly questioned whether the pledged money would make its way to victims

    "I think it would have been better if he hadn't gone windsurfing." --Ex-Democratic consultant Bob Shrum, on John Kerry

    "I guess I come down more firmly in the Jon Stewart camp." --CNN Chief Executive Jonathan Klein, on his decision to cancel "Crossfire," which Stewart slammed last year during a controversial appearance on the show

    "I had no idea that if you wanted a show canceled, all you had to do was say it out loud." --Jon Stewart, on the cancellation of "Crossfire"

    "Get some devastation in the back." --Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, to an aide as he posed for a photo op while visiting tsunami-ravaged Sri Lanka

    "I've always felt it's better to be sworn in that to be sworn at." --Sen. Patrick Leahy, after Vice President **** Cheney swore him in to a new Senate term (last year Cheney told Leahy to "go f*ck yourself" during a heated exchange on the Senate floor)

    "Hi, I'm Richard Gere and I'm speaking for the entire world. We're with you during this election time. It's really important. Get out and vote." --Actor Richard Gere, urging Palestinians to vote in their upcoming election

    "I would have told you there was a better chance of Michael Moore and Jenna Bush starring in a sex tape. Together. (Actually, they should make a tape, both for the display of bipartisanship and for the great label their last names would make)" --College Hoops Net's Adam Stanco, on Bucknell beating Pitt.

    "I'm not a very smart person. I have to work really hard at remembering things." --White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card

    "I don't think it will help anything in Sri Lanka if the balls were, you know, peeled back in terms of the inauguration." --Former President Bush, asked if his son's inauguration would be downsized in the wake of the tsunami

    "I think Rumsfeld may be not too long for this world. . . . Let's dump him." --President Richard Nixon, April 7, 1971, talking about his young White House aide whom he said was too critical of the Vietnam War

    "'His Hair is No Longer Gray.' ... Good one, huh?" --President Bush to People magazine, on what he hopes the headline will be a year from now

    "What happened was -- and, again, this is something I haven't shared with anybody. I should explain myself. I'm on steroids, and one of the side effects is called roid rage. The side effects have been awful. I have terrible back acne, shriveled genitalia. What I didn't realize is when you take steroids, you're supposed to work out. I've just been taking them. So it's causing that kind of anger. I remember going on the 'Crossfire' set and saying hello to the host, and then waking up naked with my *** cheeks taped together on Connecticut Avenue. So I don't really know what happened." --"Daily Show" host Jon Stewart, on his controversial interview on "Crossfire"

    "As you know, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time." --Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, responding to a U.S. soldier serving in Iraq who asked him why troops had to dig through scrap metal to armor vehicles

    "Now, settle down, settle down. Hell, I'm an old man, it's early in the morning and I'm gathering my thoughts here." --Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, fielding hostile questions from U.S. troops in Iraq (Read more Rumsfeldisms)

    "I figure there's nowhere to go from here but down. So tonight, I'm announcing my retirement from the United States Senate." --Sen.-elect Barack Obama, speaking to the Gridiron Club

    "Obama's shocking secret. He's Strom Thurmond's Love Child." --a mock tabloid headline that Barack Obama held up while speaking to the Gridiron Club (read more of Obama's one-liners)

    "I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave — with all five fingers — for their hospitality." --President Bush

    "I thought I should look a little sharper for my IRS audit" --Michael Moore on on why he appeared on "The Tonight Show" wearing a suit and tie instead of his usual unkempt look

    "I married my authentic self." --Maria Shriver, on wedding an Austrian bodybuilder

    "Yes, this library is the symbol of a bridge, a bridge to the 21st century. It's been called one of the great achievements of the new age, and a British magazine said it looked like a glorified house trailer. And I thought, well, that's about me, you know? I'm a little red and a little blue." --Former President Clinton, at the dedication of the Clinton Presidential Library

    "It came down to a few battleground states. It was a tough contest, and it turned out some 527 organizations got involved -- including Barnyard Animals for Truth. There was a scurrilous film that came out, 'Fahrenheit 375 Degrees at 10 Minutes Per Pound.' Now, it's a time for healing." --President Bush, on the race to see which Thanksgiving turkey would be granted a presidential pardon

    "The only politician in America I know with a mandate is Jim McGreevey." --Democratic strategist James Carville

    "I'm not a highbrow ***** from New York. I'm a highbrow ***** from Washington. Senator, pistols or swords?" --New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd, responding to Sen. Zell Miller, who called her a "high brow ***** from New York City" with "horns" sprouting up through her "Technicolor hair"

    "The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved." --Attorney General John Ashcroft, upon resigning

    "This race is hotter than a Times Square Rolex." --CBS Anchor Dan Rather, on election night (Read more Ratherisms)

    "This is the best election night in history." --Democratic National Committee chairman Terry McAuliffe, Nov. 2, 2004, just before 8 p.m. EST

    "He said with a sigh to one top staffer, 'I can't believe I'm losing to this *****.'" --Newsweek's Evan Thomas, on Kerry's reaction to Bush's surge in April

    "Why would I listen to losers?" --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on working with state Democrats to close the budget deficit

    "They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?" --"Daily Show" host Jon Stewart

    "Yeah, we rocked the vote all right. Those little bastards betrayed us again." --Hunter S. Thompson, on the youth vote

    "We really thought we'd win this election. The amazing thing is, when people say the country is moving in the wrong direction, they think the Iraq war is a mess, the economy isn't good, and we still lose." --Sen. Charles Schumer
    "It really seems like none of it trumped the idea of dudes kissing." --"Daily Show" host Jon Stewart

    "Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country." --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

    "On a personal note, I'm a comedian who makes fun of what I believe to be the absurdities of our government. Make my life difficult. Make this next four years really ****ty for me, so that every morning all we can do is come in and go, 'Madonna is doing some Kaballah thing, you wanna do that?' I'd like that. I'm tired." --"Daily Show" host Jon Stewart, endorsing Sen. John Kerry, sort of

    "When people say flush the Johns, they don't mean these two... I'm sorry, it's the last day of the campaign, what do you expect?" --Vice President **** Cheney, introducing Senators John McCain and John Ensign to a crowd in Las Vegas

    "The Packers have done their part, this Tuesday I'll do mine." --Sen. John Kerry, after the Green Bay Packers defeated the Washington Redskins in a game that carried historic significance. In every election since 1936, when the Redskins lose their final home game before the election, the incumbent president's party loses White House.

    "You don't have a chance to be president. You'll become president when the Red Sox win the World Series." --a heckler to John Kerry, a year ago

    "We didn't start out with negative ads calling George Bush a cokehead. I'll do it now." --Chris Heinz, John Kerry's stepson. Asked about his remark later, Heinz said, "I have no evidence. He never sold me anything."

    "If Bush loses, do you think he'll leave? Or do you think he'll just say, 'I don't read the papers'?" --"Daily Show" host Jon Stewart

    "Nixon was a professional politician, and I despised everything he stood for -- but if he were running for president this year against the evil Bush-Cheney gang ... I would happily vote for him." -–Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Lothing, Campaign 2004"

    "A political candidate who jumps to conclusions without knowing the facts is not a person you want as your commander in chief." --President Bush

    "Kerry said about Tora Bora, 'I think we've been smart. I think administration leadership has done well, and we are on the right track.' End quote. All I can say is that I am George W. Bush, and I approve of that message." --President Bush

    "I asked President Clinton if there's anything you have in common with George W. Bush? He thought for a moment and he said, 'In eight days and 12 hours, we will both be former presidents.'" --Sen. John Kerry

    "If Barbara gets her hands on John Kerry, he might get another Purple Heart." --Former President Bush, on the political attacks on his son

    "You get the feeling that if George Bush had been President during other periods in American history, he would have sided with the candle lobby against electricity, the buggy-makers against cars, and typewriter companies against computers." --Sen. John Kerry

    "I'm also proud to be working with your United States Senator, Charles Grassley. I saw him the other day in Cedar Rapids. I took him aside and I said, 'Listen, the South Lawn at the White House has got a lot of grass.'" --President Bush

    "Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties." --President Bush discussing the Iraq war with Chirstian Coalition founder Pat Robertson, when Robertson told him he should prepare the American people for casualties

    "They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, 'I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.'" --Jon Stewart, on his sniping match with Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala on "Crossfire"

    "You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a **** on your show as you are on any show." --Jon Stewart, *****slapping Tucker Carlson during an interview on CNN's "Crossfire"

    "What you do is not honest. What you do is partisan hackery. You have a responsibility to the public discourse, and you fail miserably." --Jon Stewart, to Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala on "Crossfire"

    "Well, there was no sex for 14 days." --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on getting the cold shoulder from his wife after backing President George W. Bush at the Republican Convention

    "Is he hot? Yeah. Is he hung? Yeah. Is he [she waved her hand to suggest bisexual]? Not unless you can give a better [she mimicked eating a banana] than me." --Court TV's Kimberly Newsom, at a gay rights fundraiser, on her husband, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom

    ''I don't know why you're talking about Sweden. They're the neutral one. They don't have an army.'' --President Bush, during an Oval Office meeting with Rep. Tom Lantos, as reported by the New York Times

    "I guess the president and you and I are three examples of lucky people who married up. And some would say maybe me more so than others." --Sen. John Kerry, during the third presidential debate

    "To listen to them, to stand up straight and not scowl." --President Bush, after being asked in the third debate what he learned from the women in his life

    "Being lectured by the president on fiscal responsibility is a little bit like Tony Soprano talking to me about law and order in this country." --Sen. John Kerry, during the third presidential debate

    "I'm going to be real positive, while I keep my foot on John Kerry's throat." --President Bush, on his debate strategy

    "I think it was his battery. I think tomorrow, before the debate, John Kerry ought to pat him down." --Sen. John Edwards, after Jay Leno asked him about Bush's mystery bulge during the first presidential debate, which some speculated might have been a radio transmitter to feed him answers through an earpiece

    "I also run and I played a little football back when I was in school. I think he was there too, maybe on the sidelines with his pom poms. I'm not sure, how fast can you run in a cheerleader outfit?" --Sen. John Edwards, after Jay Leno asked him if he could beat President Bus in a 5K race

    "The president is an alien. You heard it here first. The president is an alien. That's your quote of the day. He has been getting information from Mars. The shock of the debate will be the president's alien past will be exposed, which is why that box is there." --Bush campaign manager Ken Mehlman, on the bulge in Bush's back during the first debate

    "Here I am in the state of New Mexico. George Bush is still in the state of denial. New Mexico has five electoral votes. The state of denial has none. I like my chances." --Sen. John Kerry

    "I heard there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." --President George W. Bush, during the second presidential debate (read more Bushisms)

    "I own a timber company? That's news to me. Need some wood?" --President Bush, during the second presidential debate, failing to realize that he qualified as a small business owner on his 2001 federal tax return because of his part ownership of a timber company

    "You hear all that and you can understand why somebody would make a face." --President Bush, blaming his debate expressions on what he called Sen. Kerry's contradictory views on Iraq

    "They are willing to say left is right and up is down. The vice president and the president need to recognize that the Earth is actually round and that the sun is rising in the east." --Sen. John Edwards

    "Can't you see it now? Cheney saying, 'You need me on that wall! You need me on that wall!' And me saying, 'You can't handle the truth!'" --Sen. John Edwards, after "Regis & Kelly" host Kelly Ripa suggested Tom Cruise could play Edwards in a movie of the 2004 campaign

    "It's ironic that Republicans have no problem with allowing assault weapons out on our streets, yet they don't want to put clean underwear in the hands of our slacker youth." --Michael Moore, after Republicans asked authorities to prosecute Moore for handing out free underwear to encourage young people to vote

    "So anyway I'd be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda' kissing your neck from behind...and then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing and I'd just put it on your ***** but you'd have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business..." --Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, as quoted in a sexual harassment suit filed against him by a Fox News producer

    "Come on, you know I was stoned when I said that." — Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly on Comedy Central's "Daily Show," referring to his previous comment that the show's viewers were a bunch of "stoned slackers"

    "Oh yeah." --Vice President **** Cheney, after being reminded that he and Sen. John Edwards had met three times previously, despite claiming they had never met prior to the debate

    "America saw two very different visions of our country, and two different hairdos." --President Bush, on the vice presidential debate

    ''If I could only go through the ducts and leap out onstage in a cape -- that's my dream." --Ralph Nader, on crashing the presidential debates

    "I even take the position that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged." --Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, speaking at Harvard

    "He was overwhelmed with a feeling of tenderness, and was also aroused sexually, which his tight trousers made obvious to both of them." --from Jimmy Carter's novel, "The Hornet's Nest"

    "You have a bunch of crapheads in Oklahoma City." --Rep. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.), running for Senate in Oklahoma

    "Lesbianism is so rampant in some of the schools in southeast Oklahoma that they'll only let one girl go to the bathroom. Now think about it. Think about that issue. How is it that that's happened to us?" --Rep. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.)

    "You forgot Poland." --President Bush to Sen. John Kerry during the first presidential debate, after Kerry failed to mention Poland's contributions to the Iraq war coalition

    "Let me finish!" --President Bush, during the first presidential debate, after nobody interrupted him, leading to speculation that he might have been hearing voices

    "You begin to get a sense of what (having your father be president) means to your families. And it's tough. And so I acknowledge that his daughters -- I've watched them. I've chuckled a few times at some of their comments." --Sen. John Kerry, during the first presidential debate
    "I'm trying to put a leash on them." --President bush
    "Well, I know. I've learned not to do that." --Kerry

    "The expectations were so low that all I had to do was say hi, I'm George W. Bush." —President Bush, on his performance in the 2000 debates with Al Gore

    "Comparing these grandiose promises to his failed record, it's enough to make anyone want to, well, sigh." --Former Vice President Al Gore, writing in the New York Times about the promises Bush made during the 2000 presidential debates

    "It's been a little tough to prepare for the debates, because he keeps changing his positions, especially on the war. I think he could spend 90 minutes debating himself." --President Bush, on Sen. John Kerry

    'When your horse is headed down toward the waterfalls or your horse is drowning, it's a good time to change horses in midstream. May I also suggest we need a taller horse? You can get through deeper waters that way." --Sen. John Kerry

    "I saw a poll that said the right track/wrong track in Iraq was better than here in America. It's pretty darn strong. I mean, the people see a better future." --President George W. Bush, making a bizarre case for his re-election

    "Hitler does better among Jewish voters than Zell Miller does among Democrats." --Pollster Frank Luntz

    "When they make campaign stops … boys will have their Bush-Cheney sign held up with their own phone number written at the bottom." —Laura Bush, speaking to Jay Leno about twin daughters Jenna and Barbara

    "I wanted to have John Edwards stand. **** Cheney wanted to sit. We compromised and now George Bush is gonna sit on **** Cheney's lap.'' --Sen. John Kerry, on negotiations over the vice presidential debate, during an appearance on the "Late Show With David Letterman"

    "How do you, how does anybody go about restoring America's reputation in the world? That seems unlikely. Explain that to me." --David Letterman
    "Has he messed things up that badly?" --Sen. John Kerry

    "The big hang-up was George Bush wanted to get life lines, you know, so he could call somebody." --Sen. John Kerry, on negotiations over the presidential debates, during an appearance on "Live With Regis and Kelly."

    "I'm just looking to get together with any white guy who's got a great body on him, a good size endowment that's cut, just get together, get naked, play with one another, get each other off. Nothing hardcore. I have to be incredibly careful, incredibly safe, incredibly discreet. I can't overemphasize that." --Rep. Edward Schrock (R-Va.), who dropped his bid for re-election after a gay activist posted audio files on his Web site of Schrock leaving recordings on a gay sex personals phone line

    "Clothing is wonderful, but let them go naked for a while, at least the kids." --Teresa Heinz Kerry, advising hurricane relief workers to send food and water before clothes

    "That's a source that didn't even exist 10 years ago. 400,000 people make some money trading on eBay." --Vice President **** Cheney, arguing that the economy is doing better than reported due to eBay

    "If we only included bake sales and how much money kids make at lemonade stands, this economy would really be cooking." --Sen. John Edwards, mocking Cheney

    "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --President George W. Bush, Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 (Watch video clip; read more Bushisms)

    "It's absolutely essential that eight weeks from today, on Nov. 2, we make the right choice, because if we make the wrong choice then the danger is that we'll get hit again and we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United States." -–Vice President **** Cheney

    "We have to hold Ohio. Okay, we have an *****, stupid, corrupt, dumb, rotten, Republican governor in the state, who has been busy looting the state and raising taxes... and his state is the only state in the nation that's lost jobs and isn't recovering because he's been beating the economy to death in the state. But he is not on the ballot. George Bush is on the ballot... It's not helpful. He should be taken out and horsewhipped." --Republican strategist Grover Norquist, on Ohio Gov. Bob Taft

    "To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say, Don't be economic girlie men!" --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, at the Republican convention

    "I wish we lived in the day where you could challenge a person to a duel." --Sen. Zell Miller to Chris Matthews, during a contentious interview on "Hardball"

    "This is the man who wants to be the Commander in Chief of our U.S. Armed Forces? U.S. forces armed with what? Spitballs?" --Sen. Zell Miller, attacking Sen. John Kerry in his GOP convention speech

    "I think that maybe John Kerry must have shot his dog." --John McCain, on Zell Miller's attack on Kerry

    "Gammie, we love you dearly, but you're just not very hip. She thinks 'Sex and the City' is something married people do, but never talk about." --Jenna Bush, at the Republican convention

    "Since we've graduated from college, we're looking around for something to do for the next few years. Kind of like dad." --Barbara Bush, at the Republican convention

    "Whoever approved this, I'm going to put on a slow boat to China." --Karl Rove, on the Bush twins' convention speech, which was reportedly written by Karen Hughes

    "People tell me I'm a lot like her and my Dad. Shy. Quiet. Afraid to speak my mind. In our family, I'm known as Barbara's revenge on George." --Jenna Bush

    "Sen. Kerry says he sees two Americas. It makes the whole thing mutual -- America sees two John Kerrys.'' --Vice President **** Cheney

    "Four score and seven years ago. We have come here to dedicate a portion of it as a final resting place. ... My fellow members of the press corps, especially the camera man, tax relief is on the way ... don't spend it all in one place" --President Bush, testing the mic at the GOP convention."

    "I can't believe they're dumb enough to bring up the film and help its box office." --Michael Moore, after Sen. John McCain slammed him as a "disingenuous filmmaker" during his Republican convention speech, prompting the audience to boo Moore

    "Can we win? I don't think you can win it." --President Bush, after being asked whether the war on terror was winnable

    "Ah, we did? I don't think so." --President Bush, when asked why his administration had changed its position on global warming, following the submission of a new report to Congress indicating that emissions of carbon dioxide and other heat-trapping gases are the only likely explanation for global warming

    "People tell me that Senator Edwards got picked for his good looks, his sex appeal, and his great hair. I say to them, 'How do you think I got the job?'" –Vice President **** Cheney

    "You'd be amazed at the number of people who want to introduce themselves to you in the men's room. It's the most bizarre part of this entire thing." --Sen. John Kerry, during an appearance on "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart"

    "I couldn't get a job with CIA today. I am not qualified." --Bush's nominee for CIA director, Rep. Porter Goss (R-FL), in a March 3, 2004 interview that was cut from "Fahrenheit 9/11" (Watch video clip)

    "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --President George W. Bush (Watch video clip; read more Bushisms)

    "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a — you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." --President George W. Bush (Watch video clip; read more Bushisms)

    "I've been organizing Republicans for Bush/Cheney. I've been organizing Austrian-born bodybuilders for Bush/Cheney. I've even been organizing girlie-men for Bush/Cheney." --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger

    "The most profound purpose of polls is to see how people are responding to God." --George Gallup Jr. of the Gallup Poll

    "We actually misnamed the War on Terror. It ought to be the Struggle Against Ideological Extremists Who Do Not Believe in Free Societies Who Happen to Use Terror as a Weapon To Try To Shape The Conscience Of The Free World." --President George W. Bush

    "I just want to assure you that both President Bush and I have very firm alibis." --Sen. John Kerry, after three Davenport banks were robbed while Kerry and Bush were campaigning in the city at the same time

    "I didn't think to tell them, 'Don't stick your tongue out at the press.'" --First Lady Laura Bush, on giving advice to her daughters

    "The really rich people figure out how to dodge taxes anyway." –-President Bush, explaining why high taxes on the rich are a failed strategy

    "Go ahead, yell it out. If I don't like the question, I'll reinvent it." --President Bush, hosting an "Ask President Bush" forum in which all the questions were planted in advance

    "You bet we might have." --Sen. John Kerry, asked if he would have gone to war against Saddam Hussein if he refused to disarm

    "A place that would be pretty much like the place that I would have grown up in, I think, if I had have grown up here." --Alan Keyes, on the Chicago neighborhood he chose to rent in after moving to the state to run for the U.S. Senate

    "Go, balloons. I don't see anything happening. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. Stand by, confetti. Keep coming, balloons. More balloons. Bring them. Balloons, balloons, balloons! More balloons. Tons of them. Bring them down. Let them all come. No confetti. No confetti yet. No confetti. All right. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. We're getting more balloons. All balloons. All balloons should be going. Come on, guys! Let's move it. Jesus! We need more balloons. I want all balloons to go. Go, confetti. Go, confetti. Go, confetti. I want more balloons. What's happening to the balloons? We need more balloons. We need all of them coming down. Go, balloons. Balloons. What's happening balloons? There's not enough coming down. All balloons! Why the hell is nothing falling? What the f--- are you guys doing up there? We want more balloons coming down. More balloons. More balloons." --Democratic Convention producer Don Mischer, overheard on CNN having an apoplectic seizure when the balloons failed to drop from the ceiling of the Fleet Center in Boston

    "It is true that Mr. Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, after which there was a commitment to give 40 acres and a mule. That's where the argument, to this day, of reparations starts. We never got the 40 acres... We went all the way to Herbert Hoover, and we never got the 40 acres. We didn't get the mule. So we decided we'd ride this donkey as far as it would take us." --Al Sharpton, speaking at the Democratic Convention

    "I had hoped to be back here this week under different circumstances, running for re-election. But you know the old saying: you win some, you lose some. And then there's that little-known third category. I didn't come here tonight to talk about the past. After all, I don't want you to think I lie awake at night counting and recounting sheep. I prefer to focus on the future because I know from my own experience that America is a land of opportunity, where every little boy and girl has a chance to grow up and win the popular vote." --Al Gore, at the Democratic Convention

    "You said something I didn't say. Now shove it!" --Teresa Heinz Kerry, telling off a reporter

    "You wouldn't want to have a beer with John, because John is not a beer drinker. He doesn't drink much period, he's boring that way." --Teresa Heinz Kerry, asked whether her husband is the kind of guy you'd like to have a beer with

    "I want to be the peace president." --President George W. Bush

    "If they don't have the guts to come up here in front of you and say, 'I don't want to represent you, I want to represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers ... if they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men." --Arnold Schwarzenegger, describing Democratic lawmakers in California

    "Give me a chance to be your president and America will be safer and stronger and better." --Still-President George W. Bush, Marquette, Michigan, July 13, 2004 (Read more funny Bush quotes)

    "Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?" --Sen. Rick Santorum

    "We've got better vision. We've got better ideas. We've got real plans. We've got a better sense of what's happening to America, and we've got better hair." --Sen. John Kerry, campaigning with his running mate. Sen. John Edwards

    "Go f--k yourself." --Vice President **** Cheney to Sen. Patrick Leahy, during an exchange on the Senate floor about profiteering by Halliburton







    John Kerry Jokes
    Late-Night Jokes About Presidential Candidate John Kerry

    "John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts." --David Letterman

    "John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn't bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg." --Jay Leno

    "Last week, Senator Kerry was eight points behind President Bush, today he is three points ahead. Is this the kind of indecision we want in a president?" --Announcer in a mock Bush-Cheney ad, "Late Show With David Letterman"

    "Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that he's a flip-flopper. Kerry said, 'I have one position on Iraq: I'm forgainst it." --Amy Pohler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

    "John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for." —David Letterman

    "John Kerry keeping a low profile this week. He said he wanted to get away and go someplace where no one would expect to see him. So I guess he showed up at his old seat in the Senate. Nobody's going to look for him there." —Jay Leno

    "You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows." —Jay Leno

    "Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it just won't go away. I was thinking about this — if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else he wouldn't have this trouble." —David Letterman

    "The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn't it be in Fortune or Money magazine?" --Jay Leno

    "Vice President **** Cheney attacked John Kerry. He said that John Kerry 'lacks deeply held convictions.' Today Kerry shot back, he said, 'That's not completely true.'" —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you're not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president." —David Letterman

    "There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" —Craig Kilborn

    "John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he's ahead in the polls. How's that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he's up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding." —Jay Leno

    "'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien

    "John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." —Jay Leno

    "This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one.'" —Craig Kilborn

    "John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno

    "Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" —David Letterman

    "Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." —David Letterman

    "The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them." —David Letterman

    "President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " —Craig Kilborn

    "The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart

    "Insiders have begun voicing serious concerns about how he's conducting his campaign. One aide told the New York Times that while Bush's message of 'steady leadership' has remained consistent, Kerry has gone through six different messages in the 18 months he's been running, including, at one particularly desperate juncture, 'Kerry: Health care jobs for the troops' environment.'" —Jon Stewart

    "John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." —David Letterman

    "Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn

    "Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit." —Craig Kilborn

    "Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." —Jay Leno

    "President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened." —Jay Leno

    "Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?" —Jon Stewart

    "John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head." —Jay Leno

    "Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters."' —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican." —David Letterman

    "John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." —Jay Leno

    "They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" —Jay Leno

    "Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward." —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn

    "Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." —Craig Kilborn

    "We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." —Jay Leno

    "The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either." —David Letterman

    "John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse." —Conan O'Brien

    "John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn't show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality." —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." —Jay Leno

    "The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man." —Jay Leno

    "I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal." —David Letterman

    "John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." —Craig Kilborn

    "Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math." —Conan O'Brien

    "Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him." —Jay Leno

    "Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton." —David Letterman

    "During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage." —Conan O'Brien

    "It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement." —Jay Leno

    "According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox — his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." —Jay Leno

    "An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

    "Over the weekend, John Kerry — the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on — he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again." —David Letterman

    "Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, 'I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'" —Conan O'Brien

    "Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it." —Jay Leno

    "The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'" —Conan O'Brien

    "The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" —Jay Leno

    "They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" —Jay Leno

    "In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women." —Jay Leno

    "It's nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have fallen to the exact level that his father's poll numbers were nine months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry said he's not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he's going to start f---ing everything that moves." —Bill Maher

    "John Kerry was officially endorsed by **** Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?'" —Craig Kilborn

    "A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now." —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that's when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet rumors this week that he had Botox treatments. The Republicans say Kerry should have a clear, unfurrowed brow the old fashioned way by not giving a sh--." —Bill Maher

    "In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." —Jay Leno

    "Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he’s 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore — in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all." —Jay Leno

    "A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away." —Dennis Miller

    "The big winner last night in New Hampshire — Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the long face?" —Jay Leno

    "Real movement in the Kerry campaign now. His poll numbers are moving, donations are moving, endorsements are moving. The only thing not moving is his hair." —Jay Leno

    "In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it." —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry’s victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It’s a whole different game." —Jay Leno

    "A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace." —Jay Leno

    "During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam." —Conan O'Brien

    "John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name — because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not." —Jay Leno

    "These campaigns are getting so nasty. They are going through people's old taxes, coming up with these old quotes. Today, somebody released footage of John Kerry throwing apples at Dorothy. To me he just looks like the tree from 'The Wizard of Oz.'" —Bill Maher

    "Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?" —David Letterman

    "In an interview with Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, who is running for president, said that when he voted for the war in Iraq, he didn't expect President Bush to 'f--- it up as badly as he did.' Here's some breaking news, tomorrow former Vice President Al Gore expected to endorse Howard Dean as the Democratic nominee for president of the United States — and you thought John Kerry was using four letter words before! Actually, to John Kerry, Dean is a four letter word." —Jay Leno

    "Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came down pretty hard on fellow candidate Howard Dean this weekend. After Dean misspoke several times, Kerry said you can't misspeak 15 times in a week and be president. And Bush said, 'You can't'?" —Jay Leno

    "The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out. Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone with bigger hair then she had." —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely." —Jay Leno
    Last edited by HobbesIsReal; 06/15/2005 at 03:59 PM.
  6.    #6  
    Late-Night Political Jokes
    "Howard Dean is now in trouble for saying that Republicans are a bunch of white Christians and, today, in their prayers, Republicans thanked God for Howard Dean." --Jay Leno

    "MSNBC did a feature on Dean and all the trouble he's been getting into for his comments. In fact, some Democrats are so upset that some party leaders are calling for him to resign. Isn't that amazing? The Democrats have leaders" --Jay Leno

    "As you know Michael Jackson was found not guilty on all ten counts. Now he says he wants to just go back to his normal reclusive whack job self." --David Letterman

    "Legal experts say the key was that the defense really didn’t play the race card. Well, duh. They didn’t know which race to play." --Jay Leno

    "Brain cells were grown in a laboratory in Florida -- actual human brain cells. Now the next step. They're going to transplant them into a California jury." --David Letterman

    "Yesterday Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was supposed to give a speech to California voters but it was bumped so Michael Jackson's verdict could be televised. ... Arnold was really upset and said if I can't speak to the voters how are they supposed to not understand me?" --Conan O'Brien

    "Good news for Michael Jackson, not guilty on ten counts! The bad news -- he's going to Disneyland!" --Jay Leno

    "It's like they always say, if you're rich and white, you can get away with anything." --Jimmy Kimmel, on the Michael Jackson verdict

    "This just in -- Saddam Hussein would like his trial moved to Santa Maria, California." --David Letterman

    "After the trial the press was talking to the jurors and one of the jurors said that Michael’s innocence was as plain as the nose on his face." --David Letterman

    "Michael said he was thankful for the California legal system and a jury of 12 dumbasses." --David Letterman

    "According to Time magazine, Christina Aguilera's music is being used down in Guantanamo Bay to torture prisoners. You know, I can't help thinking if it were only John Tesh the war on terror could have been over so much quicker." --Jay Leno

    "Some politicians want to close Guantanamo. They want to get rid of our interrogators. ... Why can't we do with this what we do with other jobs in this country -- outsource them to India. If you want to torture people, put them on a computer tech support line in New Delhi for a half an hour." --Jay Leno

    "But we turn now to ... the Democrats, a political party founded in 1792 that enjoyed an active role in American politics through much of the 20th century. Perhaps you've heard of them, no? Ask your parents." --Jon Stewart

    Jokes for the Week of June 5-11

    "A lot of Republicans have come forward to criticize Howard Dean about his latest comments about the Republican Party. Let me tell you something -- if Dean wants to insult you and make outrageous statements he should do what the Republicans do and get a talk show on Fox News." --Jay Leno

    "A large group of Democrats are going to Europe this week. Not on a fact finding mission, they're just trying to distance themselves from Dean." --Jay Leno

    "Saudi Arabia today announced that contrary to a recent book published about dwindling supplies, they say they have more than enough oil for years to come. In fact, the Saudi government said today, according to their latest estimates, they have enough oil to screw us for the next 200 years." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush is in a little trouble this week. President Bush's approval rating has dropped to its lowest point since he took office. In fact Bush's ratings are so low he's been offered a show on NBC." --Conan O'Brien

    "Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld -- he's in the news twice this week because twice he's made statements that conflicted with statements made by President Bush. They're disagreeing a lot. As a result, Rumsfeld had to back down and admit that SpongeBob is way cooler than Pokemon." --Conan O'Brien

    "It has been revealed that John Kerry's grades -- everybody thought he was the smart one -- he and Bush went to Yale together. His grades were lower than President Bush's. That's like losing a spelling bee to Jessica Simpson." --Jay Leno

    "John Kerry, remember he ran for president a few months ago? His grade point average at Yale was 76. George Bush also attended Yale, his grade point average was 77. I thought 77 was pretty good considering Bush never showed up. That's not bad. ... But speaking of presidents, President Clinton also had low marks -- on his thighs." --David Letterman

    "British Prime Minister Tony Blair has asked President Bush to join him in asking other countries to forgiving Africa's debt. President Bush said he would like to help but he's still trying to convince Americans to forgive him for our debt." --Jay Leno

    "Howard Dean is causing controversy again, or as they're calling him, Dr. Dean and Mr. Hyde. In a speech in San Francisco he lashed out at Republicans. He said Republicans all look the same, behave the same and are a white Christian party. Unfortunately, they are not as diverse as his home state of Vermont." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush meet with the president of South Korea. Things got off to an awkward start when President Bush asked 'Are you from the good Korea or the bad Korea?'" --Conan O'Brien

    "Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed." --Jay Leno

    "The Supreme Court has ruled against medical marijuana, but they said nothing about recreational marijuana, so go crazy." --Jay Leno

    "In Camden, N.J., an 80-year-old has been working as a prostitute or, as people are calling it, the Bush Social Security plan." --Jay Leno

    "At a press conference President Bush said he's learned a lot about what it's like to live in Africa from U2's Bono. He also said he's learned a lot about what it's like to live underwater from SpongeBob." --Conan O'Brien

    "Hillary Clinton said I stay awake at night thinking of all the mistakes and bad decisions being made in Washington. ... Of course, she's up anyway waiting for Bill to get home." --Jay Leno

    "President Clinton's book 'My Life' came out in paper back and it has a lot of new material that wasn't in the other one -- see Ten New Chicks." --Jay Leno

    "After 35 years of secrecy, John Kerry's college transcripts were released from Yale. Here's the amazing thing -- he got worse grades then President Bush. Kerry got four D's his freshman year, his four-year average was lower than President Bush. Well how embarrassing is that? You get lower grades than Bush and he was drunk all the time. I mean Kerry was getting D's and he was sober." --Jay Leno

    "Recently they came up with John Kerry's grades in college and it was surprising, his average was a 76. George Bush's average when he was in the same college -- Yale college -- was 77. And when he heard that Bush said 'Do you mean he's the dumb one?'" --David Letterman

    "President Bush held a press conference at the White House with British Prime Minister Tony Blair. President Bush likes holding press conferences with Prime Minister Blair because he doesn't have to use any interpreters. Of course, Blair still needs one to understand President Bush." --Jay Leno

    "One of the topics they talked about was debt relief for Africa. Bush unveiled his plan, he wants to give everyone in Africa a tax cut." --Jay Leno

    "Today President Bush sent a congratulatory message to the new president of Azerbaijan. Bush also wished the president of Azerbaijan good luck in his fight against Harry Potter." --Conan O'Brien

    "The Supreme Court has ruled that medical marijuana is illegal and patients can be federally prosecuted, even if your doctor prescribes it to you. You can still go to jail. Well, this will teach those people that come down with cancer. Huh, yeah. Maybe they'll learn not to do that."--Jay Leno

    "The next big question is, Will Michael Jackson be Robert Blake's new golf partner or Scott Peterson's new girlfriend? --Jay Leno

    "Deep Throat has gone public. Yup, Paris Hilton's getting married." --Jay Leno

    "Deep Throat, the main source in the Watergate investigation, has been identified. Which would be big news if it was 1975." --Jay Leno

    "Of course, President Bush was shocked when he heard the news. He said 'What! Deep Throat was a guy!'" --Jay Leno

    "Deep Throat was the biggest mystery in Washington since how the Clintons stayed together." --Jay Leno

    "The Deep Throat incident was about the Watergate break in, when the Republicans broke into the Watergate hotel to see what the Democrats were up to. You see, back in those days the Democrats actually had ideas worth stealing." --Jay Leno

    Jokes for the Weeks of May 22-June 5

    "Actually Mr. President, 'dissemble' means to not tell the truth, 'disassemble' is what we did to Iraq" --Jon Stewart, on the latest Bushism

    "Felt revealed himself in an article cryptically titled 'I'm the guy they called Deep Throat,' in the latest issue of Vanity Fair. No doubt Felt, realizing his identity would still be partially concealed behind Vanity Fair's 87 pages of Donna Karan adds." --Jon Stewart

    "Pat Buchanan, Bob Novak and G. Gordon Liddy don't like Mark Felt. Mark Felt is truly a great man." --Jon Stewart

    "President Bush delivered the commencement address at the Naval Academy. This appearance at the Naval Academy was historic for President Bush. For the first time he was on a military base and people could actually remember him being there. ... There was one awkward moment -- when Bush met a rear admiral, he said I respect your lifestyle, but I don't think you should get married." --Jay Leno

    Earlier today President Bush was scheduled to give the commencement speech at the U.S. Naval Academy. Unfortunately there was a mix up and he ended up giving a 20-minute speech at an Old Navy." --Conan O'Brien

    "Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith has some competition this weekend. You know, as soon as the movie came out, it was up on a website and available for download. But the FBI and Department of Homeland Security put a stop to that. Glad to see the Department of Homeland Security involved in this. I guess we're done worrying about that whole terrorism thing. We wouldn't want Osama downloading Miss Congeniality 2." --Jimmy Kimmel

    "President Bush paid a visit to a hydrogen fueling station. He said that hydrogen will provide the power for our automobiles in the future. You know I'm not sure president Bush really understands hydrogen. Like he kept trying to take a hit off the pump to see if it would make him talk funny." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush met with Palestinian president Abbas. There was one embarrassing moment when he said to Abbas. 'I love your hit, Dancing Queen.'" --Jay Leno

    "Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice had lunch with U2's Bono to talk about Third World debt. Is he the best choice? I mean if your going to talk to a rock star who's an expert on massive debt then maybe MC Hammer's the guy you want to talk to." --Jay Leno

    "An Italian restaurant in Rome ... the owner wants to sue Bill Clinton for not showing up. The owner said it's not fair that he should be kept waiting until two a.m. wondering if Bill was going to show or not. And Hillary said 'Hey, tell me about it.'" --Jay Leno

    "The paper back version of President Clinton's book came out and in it Clinton admits that the hard cover version may have been to long. Yeah Clinton admits his mistake in a new 200 page introduction." --Conan O'Brien

    "**** Cheney was the commencement speaker at Auburn University over the weekend. He told the graduates he actually dropped out of Yale. He dropped out of Yale! You know what that means? Bush could be the smart one!" --Jay Leno

    "The word is **** Cheney is thinking of running for 2008. His catchy slogan: The Pulse Stops Here." --Jay Leno

    "The owner of an Italian restaurant may sue Bill Clinton for failing to show up. Clinton made a reservation for eighteen people and didn't show up. The owner was very disappointed. And you thought he was disappointed, what about the poor girl waiting under the table for Bill? She was waiting there all night long." --Jay Leno

    "How many folks saw the pictures of Saddam Hussein in his underpants? I don't know I'm from the school of thought that if I want to see a hairy guy in his underpants I'll just hail a cab." --David Letterman

    "Nobody is still sure of who took those photos of Saddam Hussein in his underwear. All they know is that the photos were taken in an undisclosed location. You know what that means. **** Cheney probably took them." --Jay Leno

    "The U.S. Army has a new program that will allow soldiers to leave the service a couple years before their full four year contract is up. They can leave early. This is based on a plan developed by President Bush when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

    "The Senate finally reached a compromise to allow President Bush's candidates to be voted on without a filibuster. In a related story President Bush still thinks a filibuster is a chocolate-covered peanut bar." --Conan O'Brien

    "I read today that Star Wars made 58 million dollars in one day. That broke the previous record set by Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno

    "I'm wearing tonight my new Saddam Hussein underpants. Talk about your weapon of mass destruction." --David Letterman

    "This just in: People magazine has just named Saddam Hussein sexiest man alive." --David Letterman

    "Saddam Hussein in his underpants -- finally some quality pornography for women, everything you need right there." --David Letterman

    "People in the Middle East are still angry about the picture. They said how would we like it if our leader was caught without his pants on? Uh, been there done that." --Jay Leno

    "It was so hot today ... Saddam Hussein was walking around wearing a thong." --Jay Leno

    "The tabloid newspaper in England that published the picture of Saddam in his underwear ... issued an apology. They said Saddam? We thought it was Camilla." --Jay Leno

    "Everyone is
    making a big deal about this picture. I don't know what the big deal is. I saw it two weeks ago when he put it on Match.com." --Jay Leno

    "The FBI said today that the hand grenade that was thrown near President Bush was real and could have exploded. You know what that means? This was the closest Bush has ever come to finding weapons of mass destruction." --Jay Leno

    Jokes for the Week of May 15-21

    "Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq on Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas." --Amy Poehler

    "Earlier today Photos appeared on the cover of two newspapers of Saddam Hussein in his underwear... People were very upset. Here's the cover of the New York Post. And then I noticed something very odd... zoom in on the photo (clip: written on underwear -- "Weapon of Mass Destruction") --Conan O'Brien

    "Saddam Hussein is still in jail and he's writing his memoir all about his life as a evil dictator. And he's going to promote it... In fact next week he will attend a book signing at Barnes and Evil" --David Letterman

    "The big rumor in Washington, **** Cheney may run for president. Let's hope that's just a Newsweek story. Cheney says he wants to run because there is still a lot of unfinished business. Like, did you know there are still a lot of countries that don't hate us?" --Jay Leno

    "A lot of critics are now saying Darth Vader is like President Bush. I dunno, you think that's true? I don't think so. Napoleon Dynamite maybe." --Jay Leno

    "To show that his energy bill is about more than drilling for oil in Alaska. This week President Bush visited a plant in Virginia that turned soy beans into a clean burning diesel fuel. Which the president hopes one day will be used to fuel oil drilling machines in Alaska " --Tina Fey

    "They want President Bush's approval for 'Star Wars' type weapons. In fact, after they made the announcement, **** Cheney whispered in President Bush's ear 'I am your father.'" --Jay Leno

    "The hand grenade thrown at President Bush turned out to be real. The Secret Service said today they're examining whether security changes need to be made. Duh! ... Somebody walks up and throws a hand grenade at the president and I can't get on a plane because I have a nose clipper -- hello? There's something wrong." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush says he is still angry at Newsweek magazine. Newsweek is angry as well, and wants to know who read the story to President Bush." --Conan O'Brien

    "At the premiere of the Star Wars film at Cannes, there were comparisons being made between Darth Vader and President Bush. Have you heard this? They're comparing the movie to President Bush. Also talk about President Bush's brother; they call him the evil 'Jebi' master." -- Jay Leno

    "President Bush is really getting on this alternative fuel thing. Did you hear about President Bush's new plan for solar energy? He's going to send troops to the sun." --Jay Leno

    "Next Tuesday I have to testify in the Michael Jackson trial. I've been getting ready for my testimony all week. I've been drinking wine and looking at porno magazines." --Jay Leno

    "CBS has cancelled '60 Minutes II,' which means Dan Rather lost another job. But I understand there's an opening at Newsweek. He might go there." --Jay Leno

    "Voters in Los Angeles elected a new mayor -- Antonio Villaraigosa. Voters admitted they only voted for Villaraigosa because they want to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger pronounce it." --Conan O'Brien

    "Newsweek magazine in deep shiite this week. Newsweek printed a story without checking the facts. The New York Times has had fake stories. CBS has had fake stories. And now Newsweek had a fake story. You realize the only one that hasn't had to print a retraction is the National Inquirer." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush said I wish I could wave a magic wand and lower gas prices. And then he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring the troops home. And he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix health care. And I was thinking this guy waves his wand more than Clinton." --David Letterman

    "The Pentagon is shutting down 180 military bases around the country. ... The administration said the closing of the bases will allow us to fund another unnecessary war." --Jay Leno

    "There's a rumor **** Cheney may run for president in 2008. If he wins, that would make him the first three-term president since Franklin Roosevelt." --Jay Leno

    "Newsweek had to retract a report about the Koran. The article caused violent anti-U.S. rioting in Muslim countries. And that's too bad because up until now they really loved us." --David Letterman, on Newsweek's story about U.S. interrogators at Guantanamo Bay flushing a copy of the Koran down the toilet

    "When President Bush heard about it, he was outraged. He said 'I don't like books either but that's no reason to flush them down the toilet.'" --Jay Leno

    "The White House is still very upset about this. They said Newsweek should have retracted the story as soon they found out they got its facts wrong. If we pulled back every time we got our facts wrong, we wouldn't even be in Iraq." --Jay Leno

    "I think Rumsfeld went a little crazy. What did they close? 180 bases around the country? ... Why don't they shut down Neverland Ranch?" --Jay Leno, on U.S. military base closures

    U.S. military strategists say we are closer than ever to finding Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? We can't even find David Chappelle." --Jay Leno

    "The buzz in Washington is Vice President Cheney is considering running in 2008. Not for president -- just for exercise." --Jay Leno

    "At the Cannes film festival, there were comparisons made between Bush and Darth Vader. I don't see that. Maybe Cheney." --Jay Leno

    "Newsweek has apologized now for publishing the story…that U.S. interrogators at Guantanamo Bay flushed a copy of the Koran down the toilet. Turns out the story is not true. The reporters, of course, will be punished the usual way -- they will be given jobs at CBS." --Jay Leno

    "The White House said today the Newsweek report has damaged the U.S. image overseas. And, believe me, when it comes to damaging the U.S. image overseas, the White House knows what it's talking about." --Jay Leno

    "Well, I just found out, you know what the toughest job in the world, anybody know? Trying to sell subscriptions to Newsweek in Afghanistan." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush came out today for alternative fuels. He said he looks forward to the day when American invades a country for its soybeans." --Jay Leno

    "According to a USA Today poll, 90% of people say prayer works very well for them in curing pain. Which is also the Republican health care plan. Keep praying!" --Jay Leno

    "Saddam Hussein in prison and writing his personal memoir. ... He is the first jailed dictator to write a book since, well, Martha Stewart." --David Letterman

    Jokes for the Week of May 8-14

    "The big non-story this week was the plane that came near the White House and did nothing. But when President Bush heard there was a plane nearing an important building, he was immediately rushed to a middle school so he could sit there like a lump." --Bill Maher

    "The president was on a bike ride. He wouldn't have even suspected anything was going on except on the way home they didn't stop for ice-cream." --Bill Maher

    "The John Bolton nomination has cleared the committee. Larry Flynt has entered the fray. He said he has evidence Bolton bought tickets to a swingers club and forced his wife to have group sex. Today Ted Kennedy said he's heard enough -- he's voting yes." --Bill Maher

    "Now, I know you're thinking, but, Bill, I already do my part with the 'Support Our Troops' magnet I have on my Chevy Tahoe. How much more can one man give? Well, here's an intriguing economic indicator. It's been over a year since they graduated, but neither of the Bush twins has been able to find work. Why don't they sign up? Do they hate America or just freedom in general?" --Bill Maher, calling for advocates of the Iraq war to enlist in the army

    "The Pentagon announced they are closing more than 150 military bases around the country. If the Bush administration wants to close military bases, how about we start with the ones in Iraq? ...You know when President Bush first thought about closing bases? When he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

    "In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan. The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can't stand, it's Hillary." --Jay Leno

    "Jim West, the mayor of Spokane, Washington, said I never masturbated in my office. ... Even a former president of the United States can't make that claim." --Jay Leno

    "We got big trouble overseas. In Afghanistan they're rioting because they got wind of the fact that American soldiers flushed the Koran down the toilet. This is the kind of thing that makes us very unsafe because it makes jihadists want to kill us. But I got to give it to Halliburton, they make a heavy-duty toilet." --Bill Maher

    "A cable access show has a character called '**** Smart' and it was a talking *****, trying to tell kids about contraception. A court of appeals has laid down the law that you cannot have a talking ***** on the TV. Fox News has reacted immediately and fired Sean Hannity." --Bill Maher

    "President Bush was spotted carrying around a book and he told reporters he started reading the book four months ago. Apparently he still hasn't found Waldo." --Conan O'Brien

    "John Bolton is in danger of being rejected by the Senate because he's known for abusing subordinates and frequently losing his temper. Today, President Bush announced his second choice -- Coach Bobby Knight." --Conan O'Brien

    "It's the 60th anniversary of the end of World War II. That was the war where our troops defeated the ruthless tyrant and then we actually left." --David Letterman

    "It was announced Thursday that the Army will allow recruits to sign up for just 15 months of active duty. If that doesn't work, the military will try renaming Iraq 'Super Cancun.'" --Amy Poehler

    "The White House and the Capitol building were evacuated after a small plane drifted into restrictive airspace. Things got very tense. Police chased down the plane and identified the pilot as runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks." --Conan O'Brien

    "More facts coming out today about the evacuation of the Washington. White House reporters said they were moved to a more secure location in the basement. Except for CBS reporters, Bush had them moved to the White House roof." --Jay Leno

    "At the time of the alert, **** Cheney was in the White House working while President Bush was getting some exercise in a park in Maryland. Shouldn't it be the other way around?" --Jay Leno

    "An airplane comes through the restricted airspace and they evacuated White House and Capital. But Ted Kennedy, he stayed cool. He told the security guy 'Cover me, I'm going to Hooters.'" --David Letterman

    "Everybody was scared. The Bush twins were running, trying not to spill their margaritas." --David Letterman

    "In Spokane, Washington, the Mayor, Jim West, who is publicly anti-gay, has taken a leave of absence from his job because of allegations he offered city jobs to men he met on a gay web site. It's part of the mayor's new program -- give a job, get a job." --Jay Leno

    "Congress was evacuated and it caused a 15-minute interruption of getting absolutely nothing accomplished." --David Letterman

    "The White House and the Capitol building were evacuated today as a small plane flew into restricted airspace. It actually got within three miles of the White House. Three miles! That's closer than John Kerry ever got." --Jay Leno

    "Did you see people rushing out of the Capital? It was unbelievable. That was the fastest Congress ever moved that didn't involve giving themselves a pay raise. What was really scary was Tom DeLay. He had to get 25 family members on the payroll out of there. There hasn't been this kind of panic and evacuation in the White House since that night in '98 when Hillary came home early." --Jay Leno

    "This is absolutely true. During the scare Vice President Cheney was inside working while President Bush was outside riding his bicycle. So it was a typical day at the White House. Remember the last time this kind of thing happened, he was reading a children's book. This time he was riding a bicycle. How old his he -- 12? ... You laugh but as soon as they gave the all- clear he went into the kitchen to make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." --Jay Leno

    "Big scare down in Washington earlier today. Turned out it was a false alarm. What it was was a lobbyist airlifting money to Tom DeLay." --David Letterman

    "President Bush was not there when the scare happened. He gets up early and he was actually riding his bicycle in Maryland -- apparently he has a paper route there. People were running and screaming, they were really freaking ou. The police had to use their special Ted Kennedy tranquilizer gun to stop them." --Jimmy Kimmel

    "President Bush was in Russia all this week. Today he was in the Republic of Georgia and he told the Georgian people he feels very close to them because once, during the Vietnam War, he served in Alabama." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush gave a speech in the former Soviet Republic of Georgia and he said 'the path of freedom you have chosen is not easy but you will not travel it alone.' Apparently the president's speech was written by Yoda. Alone you will travel no. Easy it is not." --Conan O'Brien

    "Today is National Small Business Day. It's the day we honor a lot of small businesses that used to be big businesses." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush and Russian President Putin discussed a plan to create a permanent cease fire in the Middle East. And if it works there they are going to try it on the Hollywood Freeway." --Jay Leno

    "The anti-gay mayor of Spokane, Washington, has taken a leave of absence from his job after allegations that he offered city jobs to men he met in a gay chat room. ...One of the guys he offered a job to -- the former governor of New Jersey." --Jay Leno

    "In his biggest decision ever on the environment, President Bush has moved to open up 1/3 of all remote national forest lands to road building, logging, and other commercial adventures. This is part of the No Tree Left Behind program. In fact, if you'd like to see any one of our giant Redwoods they'll be at Home Depot next weekend" --Jay Leno

    "President Bush, over the weekend, was in Russia. He's there buying duty-free vodka for the twins." --David Letterman

    Jokes for the Week of May 1-7

    "Tony Blair was re-elected for the third time. This is great news for the White House because without Tony Blair, who is there to translate the Bush foreign policy into English?" --Bill Maher

    "This week British Prime Minister Tony Blair was re-elected to a record-setting third term as George Bush's *****." --Amy Poehler

    "California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's popularity has been slipping in recent months as residents slowly begin to realize they elected Arnold Schwarzenegger to be their governor." --Tina Fey

    "Congress is now considering legislation that would require people to present four different forms of identification when they apply for a driver's license. Well, that should speed up that line at the DMV." --Jay Leno

    "I have some exciting news. In Britain, in a Democratic election, Tony Blair has been rewarded with a third term as prime minister. And I just want to say for me -- I'm sorry. It's a little emotional to see democracy flourish in that part of the world. I'm not saying that it's because of the Iraqi war -- but it happened after. They said that you couldn't bring democracy to those scone-eating, tea-drinking bastards and I said 'No, everyone yearns to be free.'" --Jon Stewart

    "In honor of Cinco de Mayo down in Washington, Tom DeLay is accepting all bribes in pesos." --David Letterman

    "The new president of Iraq said that U.S. troops will probably be out of that country in two years. ... The bad news is they'll be next door in Iran." --David Letterman

    "At Madame Tussauds they unveiled a brand new wax statue -- the Paris Hilton statue. And people tell me that this statue is so life-like that the statue of Bill Clinton is hitting on it." --David Letterman

    "Laura Bush was a big hit at the White House Correspondents Dinner. This is something new for the Bush family -- intentional comedy." --Jay Leno

    "Laura described herself as a desperate housewife whose husband goes to bed to early. To which Hillary said 'That must be nice.'" --Jay Leno

    "The president knew in advance she was going to speak, but he never saw the material. Basically the same way he handles the intelligence briefings. He knows they're there but doesn't know what they say." --Jay Leno

    "Alaska Senator Ted Stevens is seeking to apply the same decency standards that the FCC applies to network broadcast television to cable television. To which many erudite, knowledgeable people are responding, 'F--- that guy.'" That was a quote from Socrates." --Jon Stewart

    "President Bush said today that Social Security could be going bankrupt. He said the good news is that it won’t happen for at least 50 years and by that time you won't even have to worry about Social Security because the temperature of the Earth will be 158 degrees." --Jay Leno

    "NASA just released their new report on global warming or, as President Bush, calls it -- Spring." --Jay Leno

    Jokes for the Week of April 24-April 30

    "You saw that Bush press conference last night. Did you see him at the end of it? He said I don't want to cut into some of these TV shows that are getting ready to air and he literally went off the air so that Paris Hilton's reality show could go on. Talk about a contrast -- a dizzy socialite trying to function in a real job and then Paris Hilton's show." --Bill Maher

    "Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval ratings in California have gone down to Gray Davis levels. I saw a bumper sticker on the way to work today that said 'Don't blame me I voted for Gary Coleman.'" --Bill Maher

    "Bush held a prime time televised news conference. Bush discussed his plans for Social Security, the insurgency in Iraq, and why holding hands with another man doesn't mean you're gay." --Conan O'Brien

    "Just 72 hours after President Bush met with Crown Prince Abdullah and held his hand, oil prices fell to under $50 a barrel. Boy, imagine if President Bush had let him get to second base -- we'd be paying like a buck-ten a gallon now." --Jay Leno

    "Did you hear about this? President Bush's speech last night was actually cut off in some markets by CBS, NBC, and Fox so they could get in their primetime programs. Isn't that unbelievable? Fox actually cut off President Bush to run 'The Simple Life.' How ironic is that? Cutting off President Bush to run 'The Simple Life.'" --Jay Leno

    "President Bush said last night in his primetime press conference that he wants to limit benefits for rich retirees. At which point **** Cheney said to Bush, 'Can I talk to you for a second?'" --Jay Leno

    "I guess you all heard about the big scare at the White House yesterday. You know about this? A false alarm about a plane violating White House airspace caused the Secret Service to evacuate the president from the Oval Office. That shows you how times have changed. Remember back in the '90s when a false alarm just meant Hillary's coming?" --Jay Leno

    "When the Secret Service told President Bush there might be an incoming plane, out of force of habit he got out a copy of 'My Pet Goat' and started reading it." --Jay Leno

    "Did you know today was take your daughter to work day? Tom DeLay celebrated by taking his daughter to work. He also took his wife, two cousins, and a couple lobbyists" --Jay Leno

    "Did you hear about this a big scare down in Washington D.C. yesterday? Something weird shows up on the radar so the Secret Service guys grab President Bush and they go way down in a bunker. And nobody ever knew about it before. It's a hidden bunker. It's the same place where Tom DeLay picks up his cash payments." --David Letterman

    "Earlier this week Bush met with a key player on the world energy scene -- Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. Bush greeted him by kissing him on both cheeks and then led him by the hand into his ranch -- confirming the long standing rumor that the president is, in fact, ***** for oil." --Jon Stewart

    "Bush is with the Saudis like Michael Jackson is with 12-year-olds. He just doesn't care how it looks....He's just like, 'It's charming. We're just having milk and cookies!'" --Bill Maher

    "According to the Wall Street Journal, Phillip Morris is close to signing a deal to make Marlboros in China. Well, that should solve China's overpopulation problem." -- Jay Leno

    "Bush was briefly moved to an underground bunker when an aircraft entered restricted airspace over Washington. ... A false alarm -- it was just Tom DeLay on another free trip paid for by lobbyists." --Jay Leno

    "Federal authorities are investigating whether or not Martha Stewart violated rules of her house arrest when she attended a Time magazine gala last week. Meanwhile, there is no news yet on the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden." -- Jay Leno

    "According to a new poll Laura Bush's popularity rating ... is 80% while President Bush's rating is down to 47%. When she heard this Laura said 'Hey, it,s just like our grades in college.'" --Jay Leno

    "Did you know this is 68th anniversary of the very first Social Security check being mailed out? I think next week is the anniversary of the very last check being mailed out." --Jay Leno

    "Before Social Security, Americans had to keep working long after they were past retirement age -- kinda like the way Cher has to now." --Jay Leno

    "Pope Benedict the Sixteenth said that he prayed that he would not get elected but then he did get elected. Today Hillary Clinton called the pope and said can you pray for me not to get elected in 2008. ... He had hoped to live his last years living quietly and peacefully, and today Al Gore said 'You know, it's not that great.'" --Jay Leno

    "Over the weekend in Indianapolis over 30,000 fans attended a Star wars convention. ... Experts say it was the highest concentration of celibate men since they elected the new pope." --Jay Leno

    "It has now been revealed that a Washington lobbyist personally paid for Tom DeLay's trips using his own credit card. Even more embarrassing, the lobbyist also put the purchase of Tom DeLay on his credit card." --Jay Leno

    "The CIA's top weapons inspector in Iraq announced yesterday that after 18 months of looking, the search for weapons of mass destruction is officially over. President Bush made a brief statement today and I think it took a big man to admit this – he said, 'My bad.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

    "At his ranch in Crawford, Texas, President Bush met with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. I think Bush got a little confused -- he thought he was having lunch with Paula Abdul." --Jay Leno

    "Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight rising oil prices. Let's hope it works out a little bit better than their fight against terrorism." --Jay Leno

    "Friday, April 22nd, was Earth Day. President Bush marked the event by riding his airborne SUV [Clip of Air Force One] to Tennessee to visit the Great Smoky Mountains, ironically our nation's most polluted National Park. But he wound up stuck on the tarmac due to a sudden burst of hail and thunderstorms because the Earth hates him so much." --Jon Stewart

    "If you didn't notice Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist accompanied the president on the trip. Now, I'm going to replay some of the tape and keep your eye on Senator Bill Frist as the president speaks. [Clip of Frist not moving] ... Obviously I was not there and I was only watching this on videotape, so I am not really qualified to give a diagnosis, but it seems to me that Bill Frist was in a persistent vegetative state." --Jon Stewart

    Jokes for the Week of April 17-23

    "The Vatican put up the pope's email address on their Web site. I didn't even know the pope had an email address. It's a step up. The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy." --Bill Maher

    "You're happy beause its Earth Day, or as President Bush calls it, Friday" --Bill Maher

    "In honor of Earth Day, Congress passed the Bush energy bill, which gives billions of dollars in tax breaks to the coal and oil companies and opens up Alaska for drilling. It's hard to hide the glee in the White House. Today President Bush appeared in front of one of those back drops that just said 'F--- You.'" --Bill Maher

    "The president was supposed to spend Earth Day at a national park in Tennessee, but it had to be canceled because there was a freak hail storm. So, instead, they had a photo op at the airport because nothing says conservation like an oil man standing in front of a 747." --Bill Maher

    "President Bush took part in some Earth Day celebrations. I don't think he quite understands Earth Day. Well, like today, he helped pick up garbage at the park but the litter stick he was using was made of baby seal bone and freshly-cut ancient redwood." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush's nominee for U.N. ambassador, John Bolton is in trouble because Colin Powell, among other noted Republicans, is on the anti-Bolton band-wagon. He's down to Bush, who supported Bolton yesterday, and, of course, his biggest friend, his biggest backer -- **** Cheney. Apparently Cheney and Bolton are so close that one is always finishing the other's obscene tirade." --Bill Maher

    "According to a report, there are some people who are not happy with the choice of the new pope. In fact, one of the cardinals today had a bumper sticker on their car that said 'Don't blame me. I voted for Cardinal Mahoney.'" --Jay Leno

    "The cardinals said they have to be very careful in the process of electing a new pope because the pope will be interpreting God's law for them. You know, kind of the way Republican leaders do for us in this country." --Jay Leno

    "Fox News broke the story with the stunning words 'We have a pope!' Exclamation point. ... Apparently Fox News is now officially a diocese." --Jon Stewart

    "The U.S. Department of Agriculture came out with their new food pyramid. Have you looked around? Most Americans today are food pyramids -- small at the top, wide at the bottom." --Jay Leno

    "Meanwhile, today in England a black flag was raised to indicate that Charles and Camilla had finally consummated their marriage." --Jay Leno

    "John Kerry blasted the Bush administration for high gas prices ... he said gas is so expensive he may now have to marry Bill Gates." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush was in South Carolina to push his plan for people to invest their Social Security money in the stock market. The stock market -- good timing! What was the second choice? The national bank of Iraq?" --Jay Leno

    "A man in West Bend, Wisconsin who bought a shirt at the local goodwill store found $2,000 stuffed inside the pocket, isn't that amazing? The more amazing part is how did one of Tom DeLay's old shirts wind up in Wisconsin?" --Jay Leno

    "Howard Dean is out trying to rally the Democrats for 2008. This is what he told them. He spoke quite honestly. He said the Democrats have to stop speaking down to voters. And today John Kerry said 'Well I can't do that. What's the point in being better then everybody if you can't speak down to them?'" --Jay Leno

    Jokes for the Week of April 10-16

    "President Bush's tax returns are a little different. He claimed the Christian Right as dependents, he declared the 2000 election as a gift, and he tried to write off all the mileage he got from 9/11" --Bill Maher

    "Bush threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game. Of course, it's a little different there. Their score board also keeps track of Tom DeLay's ethics violations. And when an umpire makes a bad call people chant 'Judicial activist! Judicial activist!'" --Bill Maher

    "If it wasn't bad enough that it was tax day, President Bush says he's anxious to sign the new bankruptcy reform bill, which makes it a lot tougher for people in financial trouble to get help. He says that we Americans need to learn fiscal discipline. He says that as a young man he only carried one credit card and that was just to chop up the blow." --Bill Maher

    "Stocks plunged again Friday, suffering their worst day since 2005 and third-straight triple-digit loss for the Dow Jones Industrial average. On the bright side, your Social Security money isn't in there yet." --Amy Poehler

    "President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals first game at RFK Stadium. The umpire called it a ball and Bush appealed it to his friends at the Supreme Court and they made it a strike." --Jay Leno

    "The pitch was high and to the right. Just like President Bush." --Jay Leno

    "In his book, Jose Canseco said when Bush was a baseball team owner he had to know about steroids. But Bush said he didn't know. I guess even back then he got his information from the CIA." --Jay Leno

    "On this day in 1912, 1,5000 people went down on the Titanic. That record would later be broken by President Clinton." --David Letterman

    "Friends say that each day President Bush spends two hours playing video games. Now let's think about this -- there's a war in Iraq, gas prices have never been higher and what is he working on? Getting Spiderman to the third level. ...Yeah George loves video games. His favorite? Grand Theft Election." --David Letterman

    "Earlier today down in Washington, President Bush threw out the first pitch for the Washington Nationals home opener and an hour later they threw out the first Kennedy." --David Letterman

    "The folks in Washington are very excited to have a baseball team. Even ex-junky mayor Marion Barry said 'buy me some peanuts and crack.'" --Craig Ferguson

    "Earlier today President Bush gave a speech to the American society of newspaper editors. Not surprisingly the speech was entitled 'Thank you for Marmaduke.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "President Bush has chosen scientist Michael Griffin to be the new NASA administrator and he has ordered him to save the Hubble telescope and build a new manned space vehicle. It's kind of ironic isn't it? George Bush telling a rocket scientist what to do." --Jay Leno

    "It's spring time. It was so nice in Washington Tom DeLay was accepting cash in the park." --David Letterman

    "President Bush had lunch with U.S. troops yesterday. It's been exactly two years since the fall of Baghdad and just as Bush predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell -- the only thing that didn't fall was the price of gas." --Jay Leno

    "You know how the pope is chosen? The cardinals all vote and then the ballots are burned. You know -- the same thing we did in Florida back in 2000." --Jay Leno

    "They claim now that President Bush spends two hours a day playing video games. ... Here's the good news -- that's two hours less than he spends being president." --David Letterman

    "Down in Washington D.C. the feds jumped a guy who was behaving suspiciously and carrying two large suitcases. Turns out it kind of had a funny ending: he's not a terrorist and the suitcases were full of cash for Tom Delay." --David Letterman

    "A very scary moment in Washington, D.C. yesterday. Capitol Police tackled and dragged away a desperate man with two suitcases. He stationed himself in front of the Capitol building, stayed there for an hour, and demanded to get into the White House. You know, I think John Kerry's starting to lose it." --Jay Leno

    "MSNBC is predicting that the archbishop of Bombay could be the next pope. Bombay? Even the job of pope is being outsourced to India now." --Jay Leno

    "As you know voting will soon take place for a new pope. I understand a number of cardinals have already placed calls to Jed Bush. You know -- to see if they can pull a few strings. You know who the frontrunner is so far? Howard Dean." --Jay Leno

    "Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld warned Iraq's new leaders against hiring their friends and family members for government jobs, and then Majority Leader Tom Delay gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

    "Tom DeLay is in a little bit of trouble. He says he didn't know that lobbying groups were illegally funding the trips he took all over the world. Don't you love this? When ever these guys are running for office they always tell us how smart they are, how knowledgeable they are, how they know what's going on. As soon as they get caught doing something wrong 'I'm an *****. I didn't know what was going on.'" --Jay Leno

    "The College of Cardinals has set the date of April 18th for the secret vote. What they do is an elite group of robed figures meet behind closed doors and they choose the new leader. Today Bush said 'Yeah, that's how I got elected the first time.'" --Jay Leno

    "The White House announced today that we are streamlining our intelligence gathering capabilities. We can get info quicker and process it sooner. In fact, the CIA announced today that the pope may be dead." --Jay Leno

    "The president has an iPod. And, uh, I don't believe the president should have an iPod. I'm sorry. ... I don't like the idea of the president sitting at a computer down loading songs. ... He had on 'My Sharona', which, I will go to my grave saying this, I think is one of The Knacks better songs. People are intrigued by the iPod -- the president's iPod, as well they should be. We now know the contents of the iPod and I believe that that is one bit of secret information pertaining to this administration that really ought to be disclosed to the public -- what is on his iPod and that's it. I just want to know what music he likes." --Jon Stewart

    "Someone gave President Bush an iPod and President Bush asked 'where can I get one for the other eye?'" --Craig Ferguson

    "Bush asked Bill Clinton for advice about what to do in Iraq and he said 'Don't pull out until you hear her husband's car in the drive way.'" --Craig Ferguson

    "Former Secretary of State Colin Powell is going to be driving the pace car next month at the Indianapolis 500. How cool is that? He said going around and around in circles will be just like briefing President Bush all over again." --Jay Leno

    "Executives at the Fox News Channel announced they're going start a Fox News financial channel. Yeah, the Fox News financial channel will be different because whenever the stock market goes down, they'll blame it on Hillary Clinton." -- Conan O'Brien

    Jokes for the Week of April 3-9

    "It took almost a week, but they finally buried the pope. It would have been faster, but as of last month, no one dies now without permission of Congress." --Bill Maher

    "It was the biggest funeral ever in the 2000-year history of the Catholic church. People were waiting in line to get a glimpse of the pope's body for 24 hours. By the time they got to the head of the line, they smelled worse than him...Well, they didn't embalm him. He was laying out all week. And he still looked better than Michael Jackson." --Bill Maher

    "President Bush went to the funeral, and out of reverence he was at half-smirk. ... It was kind of touch and go there for the president because they showed his face on the giant TV screen outside the Vatican where the millions were, and people booed. It could have been worse. Wait until they hear his Social Security plan." --Bill Maher

    "The U.S. delegation was President Bush and his wife Laura, and his father, and also Bill Clinton and Condoleezza Rice. Bush said he brought his father and his wife to project a sense of family, and he brought Condoleezza to see if Clinton would try anything." --Bill Maher

    "Forty members of Congress also went to the funeral. They said it was great to be out of Washington and to get a break from all that prayer and Bible quoting." --Bill Maher

    "Johnny Cochran died and had a funeral. You know who was at the funeral -- both O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson. And in fact, Michael cornered O.J. and said, 'How do you get stains off a glove?'" --Bill Maher

    "It was reported that House Majority Leader Tom DeLay took several ethically questionable golf trips paid for by foreign lobbyists and that his wife and daughter were paid $500,000 from his own political action committee. DeLay referred to the allegations as 'just another seedy attempt by the liberal media to embarrass me with my own actions words and illegal doings.'" --Tina Fey

    "President Clinton flew back from Rome with President Bush on Air Force One. President Bush showed Clinton some of the changes they'd made in the plane since Clinton last flew in it. In fact, when they got back to the sleeping quarters, Clinton looked at the ceiling and said, "Hey, where are the mirrors?" --Jay Leno

    "Before they went to Rome, President Bush let his father and Bill Clinton sit in on his daily intelligence briefings. And both Bush Sr. and Clinton were surprised it was done in the form of a puppet show." --Jay Leno

    "John Kerry is on crutches after knee surgery. The good news – today he put in for another Purple Heart." --Jay Leno

    "Funeral services for Pope John Paul II were held Friday and attend by a U.S. delegation that consisted of Bill Clinton, George Bush Senior, Condoleezza Rice, Laura Bush, President Bush and one well-hidden Gameboy." --Amy Poehler

    "When President Bush was shown on the giant TV screens, during the Pope's funeral today, the crowd at the Vatican booed. When president Bush heard this he said 'what does boo mean in Italian?'" --Conan O'Brien

    "The pope's funeral continues. So much coverage of the pope's funeral, and they keep coming up with these new facts all the time. I was watching it today, and they said that the Vatican, just today, released the pope's will to the public. I didn't know that he had a will . . . the surprising thing is, he left everything to the Church of Scientology." --Conan O'Brien

    "Al Gore announced that he's creating an independent cable TV network called Current that will be aimed at 18 to 34 year olds and focus on technology, culture, fashion, television, music, politics, parenting and the environment. Oh My God even his cable channel won't shut up." --Tina Fey

    "**** Cheney was saying a couple of things to the press, he said he fully expected to see a woman president in his lifetime. And I was thinking, well, hell, he'll be lucky if he sees Thursday in his lifetime. ... Say what you will about the vice president, he is an optimist. He also said he fully expects to see a Hollywood celebrity convicted in his lifetime." --David Letterman

    "All the world leaders are attending. President Bush is there, his dad – the first President Bush – I think President Clinton is there. And it was reported today that Cuban leader Fidel Castro will not be attending the pope's funeral. Yeah. Apparently, Castro wanted to attend, but he doesn't think his raft will arrive in time." --Conan O'Brien

    "Right now, all the world leaders are headed to Rome. President Bush flew to the Vatican today, and he told reporters he had tremendous respect for Pope John Paul II. Then, here's the bad part, Bush added, 'I was also a big fan of his dad, Pope John Paul I." --Conan O'Brien

    "President Bush flew to Rome today for the pope's funeral. It was a very somber moment, and a very awkward moment, when Bush met a group of cardinals and congratulated them on beating the Astros." --Craig Ferguson
    "As you know, President Bush and Laura Bush took Bill Clinton with them to Rome for the papal services. It's a delegation of the faithful and unfaithful." --Jay Leno

    "Actually, Bill Clinton met with the pope four times. Four times! Of course, it was for confession." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush's approval is at an all-time low of 45 percent. He's very concerned about this. In fact he's trying to get it back up. He even asked Condoleezza Rice for a list of small countries that don't have weapons of mass destruction that we can invade." --Jay Leno



    "John Kerry is on crutches. He said it's because he needed arthroscopic knee surgery. Doctors say his knees were strained form all those years of trying to go in two different directions at the same time." --Jay Leno



    "Nine weeks after the polls closed, there is a new interim president of Iraq. He's called the interim president because he'll only be in office until he's killed. But for the time being, he's in charge and get this, his last name is Talibani. He beat out a guy named Ahmed Terroristi by a few hundred votes." --Jimmy Kimmel

    "The nation's second-largest oil company, Chevron Texaco, announced it was buying rival Unocal Corp. A spokesman for Chevron Texaco, which made a $13 billion profit last year, says the new company will be called 'Bend Over, America.'" --Dennis Miller

    "Tourists are flocking to Washington, because the cherry blossoms are in full bloom It is really, really beautiful. In fact, it is so beautiful that President Bush told the logging industry to wait until next week to chop them down." --Jay Leno

    "Why this commission was not given the three previous commission reports to that same effect will be the subject of their next report, entitled, 'The Report Commission: Reporting on Report Redundancy in Commission Reporting'" --Jon Stewart, on the president's commission on WMDs

    "The Reverend Jerry Falwell is feeling much better after being in the hospital last week. He's doing much better. Today, doctors upgraded him from critical to judgmental." --Jay Leno

    "Actually, there was one kind of embarrassing moment when the doctors asked Jerry Falwell if he had an HMO. He said, 'No, I condemn that lifestyle.'" -- Jay Leno

    "President Bush's approval rating is now the lowest it has ever been. In fact, here is how unpopular President Bush is right now. Today, the U.S. told Bush they're pulling out of the coalition." --Jay Leno

    "Belgium has got President Bush really angry. In Belgium, government officials had to apologize because they recently compared President Bush's face to a chimp's. The weird part is, they apologized to the chimp." --Conan O’Brien

    "Prince Charles has delayed his wedding due to the passing of the Pope. I guess he figured maybe now's not the best time to marry his mistress." – Jay Leno

    "Have you folks been enjoying the new relaxed President Bush? They say every afternoon he gets a full body massage. The afternoon massage takes the place of the old Bush method, vodka." – David Letterman

    "Bush was asked about the literacy problem. He said, 'We can solve the literacy if every American picked up just one piece of paper every day and put it in the trash." --Jay Leno

    "There's been a lot of talk these past few weeks about living wills. You know what I'm talking about; getting things down in writing. You know, this made me think, really. In fact, I told my wife over the weekend, if I am ever incapacitated, I want her to pull the plug the minute Jesse Jackson shows up at my bedside." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush is combining first lady Laura Bush's campaign for literacy with his war on drugs. It's a new program he calls, "Just spell 'no.'" --Jay Leno
    "You know the difference between Jane Fonda, President Clinton and President Bush? Jane Fonda's the only one that actually went to Vietnam." --Jay Leno

    Jokes for the Week of March 27-April 2

    "Between the praying that people are doing for the Pope and the praying for Terri Schiavo, the switchboard is backed up. Christians are furious, they realize a lot of people are just talking to some guy in Bombay." --Bill Maher

    "Terri Schiavo has passed away and they are still fighting about it. The husband wants her cremated, the parents want her buried, and President Bush wants to appoint her to the Supreme Court." --Bill Maher

    "They say this time there will be repercussions. The officers who told Bush the lies he wanted to hear will either be fired, suspended, or transferred to work on Social Security." --Bill Maher, on the latest report on Iraq intelligence failures

    "Not only can't they find Osama bin Laden, but they just fired the only guy who knew how to Tivo Al Jazeera." --Bill Maher, on U.S. intelligence failures

    "One in four returning Iraqi veterans have been diagnosed with a mental disorder. I know that sounds high, but it does include everybody who says, 'Am I crazy, or were we sent there under false pretenses?'" --Bill Maher

    "Anti-war protesters have now showed up at the Michael Jackson trial because they realize, hey, cameras and free publicity. One embarrassing moment, a protesters had a sign the other day that said, 'Bring our boys home.'" --Bill Maher

    "President Bush's approval rating slipped to 45 percent. In fact, it is so low today he was named an honorary Democrat." --Jay Leno

    "First Lady Laura Bush visited Afghanistan this week. The first lady said she once wrote a sixth grade term paper on Afghanistan and always wanted to visit it. And, ironically, President Bush also wrote a sixth grade term paper on Afghanistan. He was at Yale at the time." --Jay Leno

    "Michael Jackson was caught on tape saying he was a virgin until he was the age of 32. I mean, is that really shocking? I mean, he was a black man guy 'til he was 35." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush told reporters even though his Social Security plan has hurt his popularity, he quote 'Remains undeterred.' Then the president giggled and said 'I said turd.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "President Bush's approval rating has now dropped 10 points to a record low of 45 percent. Do you realize if the presidential election were held today, John Kerry would have to work twice as hard to lose?" --Jay Leno

    "President Bush said this week he will ask Congress to further loosen the immigration laws. Apparently he found out there are still some people in Mexico." --Jay Leno

    "Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K." --Jay Leno

    "According to a just-released 1943 U.S. government intelligence-based psychological profile, Adolf Hitler held grudges and had a tendency to bully others. You could have knocked me over with a feather. ... Today President Bush said he was going to hunt down this Hitler guy and find him." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush's approval rating is at an all time low of 45%. That's below F. Bush is now doing worse as president then he did in high school ... President Bush is very concerned about it. He said 'if this keeps up I'll never get elected to a third term.'" --Jay Leno

    "Homeland Security announced plans to assign 500 more agents on the AZ border to stop illegal immigrants. And of course Rudy Giuliani is furious about this, because this will keep the Yankees from getting a new pitcher." --Jay Leno

    "People are talking about Giuliani as a presidential candidate. They say it could be Giuliani versus Hillary Clinton. There's a difference between them. You see Hillary wears a Yankees hat for political reasons. Giuliani wears a Yankees hat for cosmetic reasons." --Jay Leno

    "A high-ranking boy scout official has been charged with possesion of child pornography. I think I speak for us all when I say: Your move Catholic church." --Craig Ferguson

    "President Bush's approval rating has dropped to 45 percent -- the lowest ever for him. The White House blames it on the fact that Bush hasn't invaded anyone in three years. ... To give you an idea how low his approval rating is, only three of the nine Supreme Court justices would vote for him." --Jay Leno

    "Down in Washington they had the annual big Easter egg hunt on the White House lawn. The kids found 800 eggs and 200 John Kerry ballots from Ohio. ... No eggs were actually found but President Bush continues to claim that they're there." --David Letterman

    "They had the annual Easter egg roll today at the White House and, not missing an opportunity, President Bush said the Easter Bunny would be out of eggs by the year 2030 and that 4 percent of all their eggs should be put in a private account." --Jay Leno

    Jokes for the Week of March 20-26

    "It appears the parents of Terri Schiavo have run out of options. The Supreme Court declined to intervene, thus representing the 10th legal judgment in favor of Mrs. Schiavo's husband and guardian, Michael -- meaning the Schiavo feeding tube will soon be removed from the cable news networks." --Jon Stewart

    "India is upset with President Bush because Bush has agreed to sell F-16 fighter jets to Pakistan, which India doesn't want. And this could cause a problem because if the U.S. goes through with the sale, India says they will stop answering our computer questions." --Conan O'Brien

    "Arnold Schwarzenegger may be in trouble. It's been reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger may go on trial this year for groping a reporter's breasts. When asked about it, he said 'I didn't want to but Barbara Walters kept insisting.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "President Bush met with Mexican President Vicente Fox at his ranch in Texas. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked the Mexican president 'So how did you sneak in here.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "Federal agents busted a $12 million marijuana operation that was operating across the street from a public school. Police became suspicious when the school bake sale raised $40 million." --Conan O'Brien

    "President Bush meet with Mexican President Vicente Fox. They were trying to decided where they should meet and eventually the Mexican president said 'Look, it is easier for me to come to you. I know where the hole in the fence is.'" --Jay Leno

    "Vice President **** Cheney got a big pay raise last week. He was only making 53 dollars a barrel this week he's making 57 dollars a barrel." --Jay Leno

    "Researchers at an Austrian University are facing ethics charges for using human corpses for crash test dummies. See that's what happens when you don't have a good Social Security program. You have to keep working after you're dead. ... When you think about it, how hard is it for a corpse to find work? I mean, look at Al Gore, he's been out of work for what, six years?" --Jay Leno

    "President Bush said yesterday he will ask Congress to further loosen immigration laws. And, of course, people are shocked -- 'What immigration laws? You can't just come here?'" --Jay Leno

    "There was a big screw up on American Idol. The phone voting was all mixed up. They had a complete revote tonight. That's what I love about our country. When there's a voting problem with our presidential election, what did that take, three months? When some stupid karaoke show has a voting problem... Oh my God! Get on the phones, and the next day it's fixed." --Jay Leno

    "It was reported today the the United States Marine Corps is having difficulty meeting their recruiting quotas. ... in fact the new slogan is 'The Few, The Fewer, The Marines.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "The New York Post says that Chelsea Clinton got so drunk the other night at a New York bar she had to be help her outside by the bouncer. Afterwards Chelsea said 'I'm sorry but I'm really competitive with the Bush twins.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "Condoleezza Rice made her last stop in her foreign trip, she was in Beijing. ... They went nuts for her. From their reaction you would think people in China had never seen Rice before." --Jay Leno

    "The average price of gas is now $2.11 a gallon, and here in California, it’s $2.30 a gallon. Here in L.A., it is literally cheaper to buy a new car than to fill your gas tank. Literally. Oprah tried to give away a car to someone in her studio audience today, and the woman spit in her face." --Jimmy Kimmel

    "On the second anniversary of the invasion of Iraq gas prices in L.A. reached three dollars a gallon in some places. Didn't we win that war? I mean, I know there were no weapons of mass destruction but apparently there's no gas there either." --Jay Leno

    "Congress is investigating steroid use in baseball. Apparently we've cured cancer and all the other problems of the world so now were starting on this one." --Jay Leno

    "Congress is investigating steroids. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? Ted Kennedy asking somebody how their head got so big." --Jay Leno

    Congress today conducted an under cover investigation of steroids in baseball. Their conclusion -- the Chicago Cubs are just months away from getting nuclear weapons." --Craig Ferguson

    "President Clinton recovering quite well. ... In fact, he just passed a stress test or, as he called it, a weekend with Hillary." --Jay Leno

    "There is a 24-hour surveillance team monitoring Martha Stewart's whereabouts. Nothing yet on al Qaeda." --David Letterman

    "How many folks saw the congressional hearings on steroids? I like this. One congressman said baseball can't be trusted. And I thought well, no, not like we trust Congress." --David Letterman

    Jokes for the Week of March 13-19

    "Senate Republicans are so committed to keeping this women alive that as a last ditch tactic today they subpoenaed her because it is a federal crime to harm someone who is called to testify before Congress. They said they didn't think she'd be a great witness but she had to be better then Mark McGwire." --Bill Maher

    "McGwire refused to say whether he ever took steroids but I think he did because, as he was leaving, one of his tits fell out of his suit." --Bill Maher

    "The congressional committee on steroid abuse this Thursday heard the testimony of six major league players including see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no English." --Amy Poehler

    "Sammy Sosa was adamant, he said I have never used performance enhancing drugs. But then he said, I probably had to be on acid when I came up with that lip salute thing." --Bill Maher

    "Good news for President Clinton. They've repaired his heart and his lungs. That's two of his three busiest organs" --David Letterman

    "Congress is asking baseball players to testify about steroids. Asked about the steroid problem President Bush said 'I just use a little preparation H.'" --Craig Ferguson

    "Congratulations gay people -- you are about to discover the joys of alimony." --Craig Ferguson, on a California judge's ruling legalizing gay marriage

    "President Clinton is back in his home. It's interesting when you think about it -- he had to have all this work done on his heart. I mean, who would have thought that would be the first organ to give out?" --David Letterman

    "California's Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke out against gay marriage, then he went back to slathering oil on his muscles in front of other guys." --Craig Ferguson

    "When President Bush heard about the ruling he said 'why would a gay and a lesbian want to get married?'" --Craig Ferguson

    "According to a recent safety survey, Baghdad is the world's most dangerous city. After hearing about this President Bush was quoted as saying 'Oh now you tell me.'" --Craig Ferguson

    "Speaking of everybody’s favorite ex-con, Martha Stewart participated in an online chat last night with her crazy fans. She says her ankle bracelet is uncomfortable, to which I say – try spraying on a little Pam or maybe some extra-virgin olive oil." --Jimmy Kimmel

    "Guess who is living here in New York City and wants to be an actress? Osama bin Laden's niece. ... She's already got a part in an off-Broadway production. I believe the name of it is 'Annie Get Your Gun Through Airport Security.'" --David Letterman

    "There's a congressional committee now investigating steroid use in Major League Baseball and so far they have subpoenaed a bunch of folks to testify about the use of steroids -- Jason Giambi, subpoenaed; Sammy Sosa, subpoenaed; Curt Schilling, subpoenaed; Janet Reno, subpoenaed." --David Letterman

    "Congressman Davis says the investigation may not end with baseball. [Clip of 'Meet' with Russert: 'What authority does your committee have? Could you look into drugs in Hollywood, drugs in the music industry?' Davis: 'Rule Ten, clause 4C2 gives us the ability to hold a hearing on any matter at any time.,] Any matter at any time? Enron, Halliburton, no WMDs, Abu Ghraib? And you went with baseball? Way to go." --Jon Stewart

    "Bill Clinton had another operation this week. When he was asked to describe his symptoms he said, 'It felt like there were two interns on his chest.' Maybe it's just one big one." --Craig Ferguson

    "Congress has asked several current and former baseball players to testify before them this week about the steroid scandal but only two players have said they'll show up. Apparently the others players don't have the balls." --Craig Ferguson

    "The U.S. has now convicted Osama bin Laden's spiritual leader -- I believe his name was Sheik Phil -- next we're going after his yoga instructor." --David Letterman

    Jokes for the Week of March 6-12

    "Hillary Clinton is repositioning herself constantly. She is now campaigning against sex and violence in TV shows and video games. She said studies show that children who ... are exposed to sexual images are more likely to blow her husband" --Bill Maher

    "Bill Clinton is recovering -- they put a tiny camera right inside of him and Ken Starr said why didn't I think of that." --Bill Maher

    "I understand how [Michael Jackson] would be nervous. The witness on the stand yesterday, by all accounts he is very believable and every credible -- until he started talking about how Social Security was going bankrupt." --Bill Maher

    "During an interview Condoleezza Rice describes her stance on abortion as 'mildly pro-choice,' which means she would support abortion, except in cases where the mother is pregnant." --Amy Poehler

    "A lot of people thought Michael Jackson was faking it yesterday but people who know Michael say he does have back problems that flare up from time to time. Like when he's on trial for child molestation." --Jay Leno

    "A lot of people think Michael may be suicidal. That's the latest theory. Just last night he swallowed an entire bottle of Flintstone Chewables." --Jay Leno

    "What's the difference between Michael Jackson and **** Cheney? One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he's creepy; the other's Michael Jackson." --Jay Leno

    "According to the New York Times, a commission due to report to President Bush this month will claim that our intelligence regarding Iran's weapon program is inadequate. Today Bush said 'Hey, good enough for me. Let's invade." --Jay Leno

    "Bill Clinton went back into the hospital today so surgeons can clean up from his last operation -- remove fluid build up. Now isn't that what got him impeached last time?" --Jay Leno

    "Thank goodness Clinton is doing fine. And today his condition was upgraded from stable to horny." --Jay Leno

    "He was in surgery for four hours today under general anesthetic and when he finally opened his eyes and saw Hillary standing there he thought 'I've died and gone to Hell.'" --Jay Leno

    "Tonight was Dan Rather's final night on the evening news. ... Rather says now that he has stepped down as anchor for the CBS 'Evening News,' he wants to spend more time with his grandchildren. Sadly, his grandchildren would rather hang out with Peter Jennings." --Conan O'Brien

    "Yesterday Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a 40 minute speech without any notes. When asked what Arnold spoke about, the crowd said 'how the hell should we know?'" --Conan O'Brien

    "President Clinton is going in the hospital tomorrow for surgery. ... Doctors said it is a low risk, somewhat routine operation. In fact, each year they do thousands of these a year and that's just on **** Cheney." --Jay Leno

    "Tomorrow night is Dan Rather's last night as CBS anchorman. It seems like just yesterday he was making up his first news story." --Jay Leno

    "Bill Clinton is going back in the hospital. He's expected to be in the hospital three to ten days depending on what his nurses look like." --Jay Leno

    "While former President Clinton and President Bush were flying around the world to view the tsunami damage areas, President Clinton let former President Bush sleep on the plane's only bed while Clinton himself slept on the floor. It was no big deal for Clinton. It was like being back in the White House with Hillary ... and he was cushioned by the flight attendant." --Jay Leno

    "Arnold Schwarzenegger is backing legislation to ban junk food in schools. It's part of Arnold's new school program -- No Child Left With a Big Behind." --Jay Leno

    "Last week, CIA head Porter Goss said, 'The jobs I'm being asked to do... are too much for this mortal. I'm a little amazed at the workload.' He continued, 'I guess I always thought the job of overseeing American intelligence would be more Maytag Repairman-y.'" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

    Jokes for the Week of Feb. 27-March 5

    "President Bush's Social Security plan is in trouble, and Republicans are angry. They say everyone is attacking it and it is still a work in progress. They said, 'Of course it's not clear what the solution is -- we're still inventing the problem.'" --Bill Maher

    "Alan Greenspan, our Fed chairman, said that Bush's budget is such a mess that we're going to have to either cut spending, raise taxes or start a national sales tax. You know what that means -- war with Syria." --Bill Maher

    "President Bush's parents called him this week and said, 'You cannot have another war until you've finished the ones you've started.'" --Bill Maher

    "Now that Marta Stewart is out of jail, she's going to go back to writing a monthly column for her magazine. This month's column explains hnow to hot-glue seashells to your electronic ankle bracelet." --Conan O'Brien

    "Martha Stewart told reporters she's been dreaming about cappuccino. Turns out 'cappuccino' was the nickname of Martha's roommate." --Conan O'Brien

    "Michael Jackson might testify, Bush wants to bomb Syria, Martha Stewart is free. That's right, March madness is officially here." --Craig Ferguson

    "Martha Stewart is now under house arrest. So she'll go to her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she's going from the big house to an even bigger house." --Jay Leno

    "When Martha gets out she'll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that'll teach her. She's only allowed out of the house for doctors vitits, grocery shopping, or to dump more stock." --David Letterma

    "President Bush has started to make plans for what he is going to do after he leaves the White House. He better hurry up because under his plan he sure won't be able to live under Social Security." --Jay Leno

    "Have you seen the cover of Newsweek? They have Martha Stewart on the cover, but it's not actually Martha. It's a doctored photo. They put Martha's head on a slimmer woman's body. And Martha was very upset about this. She said, 'Hey, if I wanted my face on another woman's body, I'd stay in prison.'" --Jay Leno

    "In a recent interview, Dan Rather says he doesn't mind being attacked because 'the stronger the breeze the stronger the trees.' Then he said, 'What the hell am I talking about?'" --Conan O'Brien

    "Despite the president's best efforts, all evidence suggests lingering public skepticism about his proposal to reform Social Security, particularly amongst retired people. In fact, a whole American association of them has come out against it. I speak of course of the AARP. ... The 35-million member group is running several national ads claiming the Social Security program is basically sound and not in need of a major overhaul. And these are old people. They hate everything. ... But according to USA Next, a rival lobbying group, the AARP's real agenda is anti-troop and pro-gay marriage. ... USA Next is brought to you by the same backers who brought you last year's Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. So you know their heart is in the right place." --Jon Stewart

    "In an interview over the weekend on Japanese television, Bill Clinton said Hillary would make a great president -- lousy intern but great, great president." --Jay Leno

    "87-year-old West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd is in trouble after he compared Senate Republicans to Nazis. He would have compared them to the Ku Klux Klan but he remembered he used to be a member so he had to go with Nazis." --Jay Leno

    "Michael Jackson claims that his partners would sleep in the bed, while he slept on the floor. You know, it's the same arrangement the Clintons had." --Jay Leno

    "Everybody talks about the unemployment rate here. Did you know the unemployment rate in Germany is 12.6%? Which is scary because if unemployment reaches 13% in Germany they invade Poland." --Jay Leno

    "In an interview over the weekend on Japanese television, former President Clinton said that Hillary would make a great president. And said he is willing to make the sacrifice to let her go on the road for the next four years to campaign." --Jay Leno

    "The Bush administration is trying to look on the bright side of the rising fuel costs. You see, I like President Bush, I'm not sure he understands these complex issues. Like today he said sure it's now costing us more then $51 for a barrel of oil, but thanks to our poor trade policy the dollar is worth way less. So it evens out." --Jay Leno

    "Arnold Schwarzenegger said he has no interest in running for president. He said when he made that statement in the '70's predicting that he would be president he was just kidding. And today President Bush said 'Me too!'" --Jay Leno

    "The Supreme Court banned the death penalty for juveniles. States can no longer execute anyone under the age of 18 unless they have a fake ID." --Jay Leno

    "Russia has agreed to help Iran build a nuclear reactor. Yeah, because when you think well-built nuclear reactor you think Russia" --David Letterman

    "I want to begin with some kudos to the Supreme Court. ... They have taken a lot of hits over the years. Obviously, I have had a bit of a checkered history with the Supreme Court ... words have been exchanged, naked photographs of them have been printed. But today they did themselves proud. The court ruled it was illegal for states to execute 16 and 17-year-old criminals. Now you will recall three years ago they also deemed it unconstitutional to execute the retarded. And I just want to take this opportunity to thank the United States Supreme Court for everything that its doing to keep our show's core fan base alive." --Jon Stewart

    "The United Nations said today that by the year 2050 the world population will have increased by 40% -- mostly in countries that struggle to provide adequate health care and education. Hey, that's us" --Jay Leno

    Jokes for the Week of Feb. 19-26

    "President Bush is home from his European adventure. ... Thank god he is safe because he's not that popular over there. To ensure his safety they had to seal off whole areas of towns, they screened everyone who got within a mile of him and, most importantly, they sewed a Canadian flag on his backpack." --Bill Maher

    "In Germany, President Bush this week, you know he was there, just got back. Thousands of Germans took to the streets to protest the U.S. invasion of Iraq. Let me tell you something, that's when you know you've accomplished something -- when Germans think you're invading too much." --Jay Leno

    "Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from Orange to Pesto." --David Letterman

    "Tom Ridge, the former secretary of Homeland Security, has now joined the board of directors of Home Depot. His first action, sending all shop lifters to Guantanamo Bay." --Jay Leno

    "We've had more mudslides than the Bush twins on spring break" --Bill Maher, on the weather in California

    "President Bush just got back from Europe. He brought along a team of interpreters with him. It's the same guys he uses when he travels around America." --Jay Leno

    "Last week North Korea publicly admitted for the first time it has nuclear weapons. The Bush administration has so far shown very little concern, as the North Korean missiles are believed only capable of reaching the Blue States." --Jon Stewart on North Korea's nuclear weapons program

    "Bush is denying reports today that he plans to invade Iran. Oh, we're still going to invade, we just don't have any plans." --Jay Leno

    "Bush says the idea that the U.S. is going to be attacking Iran is ridiculous and you know what that means? We will be attacking Iran." --David Letterman

    "Bush spoke of the diplomatic progress he was making with Europe. [Clip of Bush: 'When we talk about Iran that's a place that I am getting good advice from European partners.'] Ohhh good advice? What did you learned from your European partners. [Clip of Bush: 'Iran is not Iraq.'] Although they do sound very similar. Are you sure you bombed the right one?" --Jon Stewart

    "President Bush had a private meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin and the only other people present were their two translators. It was rough on the translators because they spent most of their time trying to find the Russian word for 'Okie-dookie.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "President Bush said he had a great trip to Europe. He would have loved to have stayed longer but with the falling U.S. dollar he just couldn't afford to do it." --Jay Leno

    "A Senate committee announced it will hold a hearing to discuss what to do about identity theft. The committee will be run by a man claiming to be Senator Charles Schumer." --Conan O'Brien

    "George W. Bush admitted that he once smoked marijuana. Yeah, he said he would like to get high and then listen to John Ashcroft sing 'Let the Eagles Soar.'" --David Letterman

    "You know what President Bush and Bill Clinton have in common? They both like to roll them fat." --Jay Leno

    "We have had so many thunderstorms, ... California has experienced a series of blackouts. Or as President Bush calls them, the college years" --Jay Leno

    "Right now President Bush is in Europe, he's in Germany, and he stopped in Frankfurt and he got off the plane and he electrified the crowd with 'Ich Bin ein frankfurter.'" --David Letterman

    "President Bush is on a big tour of Europe. He said he's hoping he can see the whole country. Earlier today President Bush met with German leaders and we found some common ground -- we both hate the French." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush had dinner last night with the French President Jacques Chirac and in one, kind of awkward moment, President Chirac gave Bush a souvenir statue of the Eiffel Tower and Bush said 'Oh this is great a little oil rig! I love it!'" --Jay Leno

    "Today President Bush continued his European trip by meeting with Germany's Chancellor Schroder. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked 'How's Charlie Brown?'" --Craig Ferguson

    "President Bush said when he goes to Europe, he's looking forward to talking about how we can extend peace even further around the world. Then the Pentagon told him, 'You know, Mr. President, we really don't have enough ammunition left to do that.'" --Jay Leno

    "The White House announced they are looking for a new chef. The candidate must be able to prepare formal dinners, serve meals to the president and make a good choo choo noise." --Conan O'Brien

    "Doug Wead, a former Assembly of God minister who was Bush's contact for the Evangelical community, secretly taped President Bush's phone conversations for like three years. Turns out the guy, he said he thought it was moral to record someone who was destined for greatness. That's the same excuse Paris Hilton's boyfriend used." --Jay Leno

    "On the tapes President Bush criticized Al Gore. Remember Al Gore admitted to using marijuana? Bush said he would never answer that question because he wants to set a good example for kids. He doesn't ever want them to say 'Hey Daddy, President Bush tried marijuana, so I will.' So now instead when parents say 'Son you been smoking dope,' they can say 'Hey Daddy, President Bush didn't answer that question and I'm not going to answer it either.'" --Jay Leno

    "In a speech today President Bush said contrary to reports, he has no plans to attack Iran. The president said 'That's ridiculous. We didn't even have plans when we attacked Iraq.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "President Bush, by the way, is on his European tour. He's on a four-day trip to Belgium, Slovakia, Belarus and several other places he cannot pronounce." --David Letterman

    "Bush finally got to the real reason for the trip -- give us money for Iraq. ... It's the Bush version of the Pottery Barn rule -- we broke it, you bought it." --Jon Stewart, on Bush's European tour

    "Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton visited Iraq to boost moral. Apparently it worked because former President Clinton has never been in a better mood." --Conan O'Brien

    "A state assemblyman here in California has introduced a compassionate care law which would allow California to become the second state in the nation to allow assisted suicides. Again do we need this? Between the floods, the earthquakes, and the crime, living here is assisted suicide." --Jay Leno

    "It seems a friend of the Bush family, Doug Wead -- I think he's Linda Tripp's first husband if I'm not mistaken -- secretly taped a number of conservations. Bush admitted as a young man he smoked marijuana but he quit when it interfered with his drinking. ... Although he acknowledged trying marijuana, no one has come forward to verify they've actually seen him do marijuana, so it's like the National Guard thing all over again." --Jay Leno

    "This Wead guy said he never intended for these tapes to become public. Who ever thought going to the New York Times and playing them for a reporter would have made them public?" --Jay Leno

    "President Bush is in Europe. He's going to Brussels, he's going to Germany, and then he's going to Amsterdam to get some primo weed." --David Letterman

    "There was a story about this old friend of George W. Bush's -- they would have long conversations on the telephone -- and this friend tapped these conversations. And now he's written a book. It's a horrible thing to have happened. But in these tapes, President Bush admits at one time he tried marijuana. .And if you think that's stunning there's a secret tape of Osama bin Laden and he admits to one time trying pork. ... And I know what you're thinking? How the hell did someone trick George W. Bush." --David Letterman

    "Bush, Clinton and Ford have all admitted to trying to marijuana. It's like a presidential version of the Doobie Brothers." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush met with the king of Belgium ... and said 'I love your waffles.'" --Craig Ferguson

    Jokes for the Week of Feb. 13-19

    "Jeff Gannon ... He is a White House correspondent who has been lobbing softball questions at the president and his press secretary, turns out he is actually a paid escort for wealthy homosexuals. ... He actually had two jobs -- one obviously was sleazy and shameful and the other was a gay male prostitute. ... I think I know what Bush meant now when he said he has a mandate." --Bill Maher

    "Amid this stuff with Jeff Gannon what is our new Attorney General Alberto Gonzales doing as his first act of office -- going after the porn industry. ... Apparently this is the guy who is pro-torture but anti-porn. You can put somebody on a leash and wag wieners in his face but don't film it." --Bill Maher

    "The president said today the U.S. does not intend to attack Iran but then he said quote 'but you never want a president to say never.' And he said if his position does change he will make that information public in a time-honored appropriate manner -- by leaking it to a gay prostitute." --Bill Maher

    "President Bush, as of this weekend, is heading for Brussels for a fact finding mission. First fact -- Where's Brussels?" --Bill Maher

    "Iran said yesterday they will shoot down any of our drones. You know what our drones are? They're those planes without any pilots. We got the idea for that from Bush and the National Guard." --Bill Maher

    "It's been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran and keep our other 70% in Iraq." --Tina Fey

    "A leading Republican said Sunday that President Bush is so worried about Social Security that he is only able to sleep ten hours a night." --Tina Fey

    "A new poll asked people who'd they vote for if George Washington ran against President Bush. George Washington won by 20 percent. So counting Al Gore that would be the second time Bush lost to a dead guy." --Craig Ferguson

    "Here's some interesting presidential trivia – historians this week named Warren G. Harding the dumbest president of all time. I understand President Bush is demanding a recount." --Jay Leno

    "Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton’s former business partners can vote for her in 2008." --Jay Leno

    "This week the U.S. Navy launched a nuclear submarine named after Jimmy Carter. Experts say the sub will be ineffective for four years but tremendously respected once it's retired." --Conan O'Brien

    "This week the White House announced that **** Cheney's daughter Elizabeth has been made a U.S. diplomat to the Middle East... Today Cheney called leaders in the Middle East and said don't worry -- she is the straight one." --Conan O'Brien

    "Last week CNN's news director Eason Jordan resigned from his post after a remark he made at an allegedly off-the-record session at the Davos conference in Switzerland. Jordan had said he felt U.S. troops had been targeting journalists in Iraq. A blogger at the conference published Jordan's comment on a Davos blog. It was then picked up by the National Review online, reprinted on a blog of a radio talk show host and finally appeared in the Washington Post. That's the Washington Post's new motto 'You heard it here, Twelfth.'" --Jon Stewart

    "Congress may pass a law that would result in TV networks that broadcast indecency being even stiffly penalized. In fact, it is going to cost us 500 more bucks because I said stiffly penalized." --Craig Ferguson

    "President George Bush is requesting an additional $82 billion -- $82 billion for war funding. Of course that would include Afghanistan, Iraq and a country to be named later." --David Letterman

    "President Bush asked Congress yesterday for an additional $82 billion in emergency spending for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. If granted, it would put the cost of the war in Iraq at about $200 billion, which I believe is around exactly what they told us the war would cost when they started the war two years ago. [Clip of USAID Administrator Andrew Natsios: 'The American part of this will be $1.7 billion. We have no plans for any further funding on this. ... In terms of the American tax payer contributions this is it for the U.S.'] Well, to be fair, 2003 dollars, if you adjust it for inflation, it is only $198 billion off, with a margin of error of we have no idea what we are doing." --Jon Stewart

    "In a new book just coming out, a top presidential historian ranks President Harding as the dumbest president of all time. After hearing this President Bush said 'Tanya Harding was president?'" --Conan O'Brien

    "President Bush wants a further $82 billion for the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. $82 billion more he wants. If he's not careful there's going to be no money left to attack Iran or Korea." --Craig Ferguson

    "The FDA -- the Food and Drug Administration -- has set up a new procedure by which new drugs will be tested and approved in four years. It's called college." --Craig Ferguson

    "**** Cheney said there is no way he will run for president in 2008 even if he was begged and believe me the oil companies are begging." --Jay Leno

    "North Korea has declared they have nuclear weapons, saying they need them to protect themselves from a hostile United States. President Bush said today North Korea has nothing to fear from America. He said 'Don't these people understand we only attack countries that don't have weapons of mass destruction?'" --Jay Leno

    "This past weekend, the Democratic National Committee made it official -- electing former governor and one-time shoe-in Howard Dean as their new party chairman. As a doctor they're hoping he can reattach the *** handed to the Democrats in the past election. ... You know, there's something stirring about the peaceful transfer of no power." --Jon Stewart

    Jokes for the Week of Feb. 6-12

    "In the wake of a successful Iraqi elections President Bush's job approval rating has jumped up to 57% or, as high school teachers call it, an F." --Tina Fey

    "According to a new poll, Democrats are favoring Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nominee for 2008. Democrats say they are looking for a fresh and exciting new way to get their asses handed to them." --Tina Fey

    "Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Iran not to develop their nuclear weapons program. She said, 'President Bush has a map in his office, and he will find you eventually.'" --Jay Leno

    "**** Cheney says he will not run for president in 2008. He's not going to run so he can spend more time at home with his defibrillator." --David Letterman

    "The Grammy Awards are on Sunday. President Clinton is nominated for an award. He's up for Best Spoken Word Album. Not surprisingly the word is booby." --Conan O'Brien

    "Earlier today former Vermont Governor Howard Dean became the new head of the Democratic National Committee -- no word on who will be the neck." --Amy Poehler

    "Did you see this? Yesterday, a 4.2 earthquake shook Arkansas. Over 200 cars were knocked off their blocks. In fact they said they haven't seen that many people get under a desk since Clinton was governor." --Jay Leno

    "North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran." --Craig Ferguson

    "Condoleezza Rice has warned Iran to stop its nuclear program. They say stop the nuclear program or face the next step. ... And the next step being fabrication of evidence and then we march right in." --David Letterman

    "Bush's new budget proposal's cut $1.1 billion from the federal food stamp program. I guess the president feels if rich people aren't going to get their full tax cut for a while, the poor people with food stamps should have to help out too." --Jay Leno

    "A couple who hooked up over the Internet got the shock of their lives when they finally meet in person and found out they were husband and wife. They were cheating on each other over the Internet and found out they were husband and wife. Doesn't that sound like Bill Clinton's worst nightmare?" --Jay Leno

    "In an interview yesterday, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says she's always loved Beethoven. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'What a coincidence, I've always loved that movie too.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "This week in Washington a fake journalist ... was able to get into a White House press conference and actually ask President Bush a question. Luckily someone recognized Geraldo and got him out of there." --Conan O'Brien

    "The state of Virginia has passed a new law that calls for a fifty dollar fine for anyone who displays their underwear in a lewd or indecent manner. They're calling this new law 'just say no to crack.'" --Jay Leno

    "Virginia lawmakers passed a bill fining women for wearing pants that expose their underwear in a lewd manner. Of course, women could get around this by not wearing underwear, I'm just saying" --Craig Ferguson

    "Jose Conseco has written a controversial book about steroids. And in it Conseco admits he used steroids. In the '80s he also injected steroids into these people -- Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire, Janet Reno." --David Letterman

    "President Bush, bless his heart, is trying to cut the federal budget. Do you know what it is? Two and a half trillion dollars! And he's trying to cut wherever he can. As a matter of fact he is going to try and get rid of unnecessary White House employees. So apparently he is resigning." --David Letterman

    "In his new book, baseball slugger Jose Conseco said he took steroids when he played for the Texas Rangers, and that owner George W. Bush knew all about it. In response President Bush said that's ridiculous. I've never known all about anything." --Conan O'Brien

    "The U.S. Postal Service issued a new stamp of Ronald Reagan today. I can't wait for the George W. Bush stamp. That's when your letter goes to Iraq for no reason and the stamp can't explain why." --Craig Ferguson

    "According to a new poll only 44% of Americans approve of President Bush's new plans for Social Security. 44%, or as Bush calls that, a mandate." --Jay Leno

    "Saudi Arabia held an anti-terrorism conference. You know, it's kind of like having a child protection conference at Neverland Ranch." --Jay Leno

    "Here's tremendous news -- the Israelis and the Palestinians have negotiated a cease fire. And things really came together once they resolved the salary cap issue." --David Letterman

    "The president submitted his annual budget -- $2.5 trillion. Don't kid yourself with this George W. Bush. This guy is sneaky, this guy is cunning, this guy is shrewd. He budgeted the upcoming invasion into Iran under office supplies." --David Letterman

    "The president announced today new budget slashes. And he's slashing education. It is a genius plan -- when the kids graduate they won't have the math skills to calculate how much debt they're actually in." --Craig Ferguson

    "President Bush has proposed an increase in the federal tax on airline tickets to pay for additional extra security. That's good news. Now it'll cost you extra to have your wife felt up at the airport." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush unveiled his new budget proposal yesterday. They called for eliminating money for Amtrack. Yeah, or as Bush explained it, choo choo go bye bye." --Conan O'Brien

    "The government has announced that Medicare will now cover sexual performance drugs like Viagra. This is part of President Bush's no ******** left behind." --Jay Leno

    "The U.S. Army announced that soldiers will be getting new uniforms. They will be more expensive, more stylish and feature easy to open velcro. Apparently they are relaxing the whole don't ask don't tell thing." --Conan O'Brien

    "A lot of American companies are now moving into Iraq. Iraq now has Pizza Hut, Subway, Taco Bell and Popeyes fried chicken. Instead of oil for food we're giving them oil in food." --Jay Leno

    "Potentially world-changing events going on in the Middle East as Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and new Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas agreed earlier today on a cease fire. Traditionally, these cease fires come about a month after a Trump wedding and last about half as long." --Jimmy Kimmel

    "Former baseball star Jose Canseco has a new book out. It’s a tell-all autobiography in which he claims he injected his former teammate -- superstar Mark McGwire -- with steroids. He also claims that President Bush, who was then a co-owner of the Texas Rangers, was aware of steroid use among players. A White House spokesperson says Bush was not aware of it -- nor was he aware of most anything during the early '90s. Mark McGwire vehemently denies the accusation – he got so angry when he heard about it, he picked up his house and threw it onto the freeway." --Jimmy Kimmel

    "Good news for the Eagles. Even though the Patriots won 24-21, since it is Florida they are entitled to a recount." --Jay Leno

    "When I saw George Bush Sr. and Bill Clinton walking into the stadium together I just thought it was a new Super Bowl add for Metamucil and Lavitra." --Jay Leno

    "A reporter has been asking Vice President **** Cheney about the next presidential election and Cheney says very firmly he will not be running in 2008. Running? I think he'll be walking by 2008. He be lucky if he's breathing by 2008." --Jay Leno

    "As you know President Bush has been traveling around the country trying to sell his new Social Security plan. He wants to take our retirement money and invest it in the stock market. He says nothing can go wrong. I'll mention that to Martha Stewart the next time I see her." --Jay Leno

    "Today they announced the big winner of the Iraqi election -- Halliburton." --Jay Leno

    "In an interview **** Cheney said he will not run for president in 2008 -- he figures eight years of being president is enough." --Jay Leno

    "I don't know if you noticed this but when President Bush gave his State of the Union speech, he announced the person heading up the offensive on gangs and gang violence would be First Lady Laura Bush. Today the first lady announced the name of her anti-gang program 'Just Say Yo!'" --Jay Leno

    "Attorney General Alberto Gonzales started his first week on the job. Remember those two naked statues that John Ashcroft had covered up when he took the job? Well they're naked again but now they just have leashes around their necks." --Jay Leno

    "In a speech last week about the Iraqi war Lt. Gen.James Mattis said it is fun to shoot some people, and today Robert Blake said tell me about it." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush's new budget slices money from Medicade, which is bad news for **** Cheney. From now on Medicade covers the first three heart attacks." --Craig Ferguson

    "Former President Bill Clinton was at the Super Bowl this weekend. He actually scored more times then the Eagles." --Craig Ferguson

    Jokes for the Week of Jan. 30-Feb. 5

    "You know they have extra security at the Super Bowl -- in case a terrorist tries to get in or a breast tries to get out." --Jay Leno

    "Today the White House announced that President Bush's personal chef is quitting his job. When asked why the chef said there is only so much you can do with Spaghettios." --Conan O'Brien

    "Everybody was commenting that Stephen Breyer was the only Supreme Court justice at the State of the Union. But it turns out that is not true. It turns out Justice Scalia was there. He was in **** Cheney's pocket." --Jay Leno

    "In his State of the Union Address, President Bush announced a new initiative to keep young people out of gangs, a new program called Do Right And Follow Through (D.R.A.F.T.)." --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

    "According to reports, President Bush and John Kerry have combined $23 million left over from the 2004 presidential campaign, while Ralph Nader recently discovered some old gum in his hair." --Amy Poehler

    "President Bush says that his policies will bring clear skies and thick forests. As opposed to his first term, which was thick skies and clear forests." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush also announced that he wants Americans to have their own private, personal, retirement fund or, as John Kerry calls it, the wife." --Jay Leno

    "A Marine general who served in Iraq is in trouble this week for saying said it is fun to shoot people. Thanks to his remarks he now has now received a job at the LAPD." --Craig Ferguson

    "It was a long, dull speech. Halfway through, Ted Kennedy sent drinks over to the Bush twins." –David Letterman, on Bush's State of the Union Address

    "Numerous Republican congressmen pointed ink-dipped fingers in a no-way theatrical, photo-opy show of solidarity with ordinary (Iraqi) voters. The solidarity continued after the speech when Republicans spent the rest of the evening ****ting in a bucket in a powerless hut." –Jon Stewart, on the State of the Union Address

    "According to the Boston Globe today, they said in his speech President Bush came off as a combination of Winston Churchill and Bill Clinton -- two different ways to use a cigar basically." –Jay Leno

    "Last night more people watched 'American Idol' then the State of the Union. So next year the speech will be given by Ryan Secrest. ... I guess people would rather watch someone who can't sing then someone who can't speak." --Craig Ferguson

    "Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice left for Europe this morning with a plan to visit every country that sided with the U.S. in the war on Iraq. She should be back in about a half an hour." --Craig Ferguson

    "A lot of people dipped their fingers in purple ink to show solidarity with the Iraqi voters. And did you see **** Cheney? He had five fingers that were purple and then they realized that's just from bad circulation." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush made his case with Social Security reform. He said if you have a Social Security check you might want to cash it first thing in the morning." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush's nominee for attorney general, Alberto Gonzalas, was approved by the Senate. For a while it looked like he wasn't going to make it, before a group of senators changed their vote after they were dragged into a room and forced to make a naked pyramid." --Jay Leno

    "Tonight in his speech, President Bush introduced his plan for Social Security. His plan: take the security part out of it." --Jay Leno

    "Earlier tonight it was President Bush's State of the Union address and it is always exciting to be there. I don't care what you think, if you are Democrat or Republican it is always an exciting event. President Bush was interrupted forty times by applause and twice to look up a word in the dictionary." --David Letterman

    "A big night. In the State of the Union address President Bush announced his visionary plan to bring peace to Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston." --David Letterman

    "It hasn't happened yet but I am going to make one prediction. **** Cheney will, in the middle of President Bush's speech, kill and eat a puppy." --Jon Stewart

    "The State of the Union address was tonight. A little fun fact: Historians say that most presidents have begun their State of the Union address by saying 'The state of the union is strong.' ... However President Bush started his speech a little differently. He said 'the State of the Union is strongtastic' and then he wandered away, but they got him back." --Conan O'Brien

    "I guess you know last night President Bush gave his State of the Union address. And in a related story, John Kerry rented 'Shrek Two.'" --Jay Leno

    "First Lady Laura Bush said that Jenna Bush's new boyfriend is not a serious boyfriend. Yeah, Laura Bush described him as more of a drinking buddy." --Conan O'Brien

    "Big news right now about the Iraqi election. The turnout for the election was higher than expected with 60 percent of Iraqis casting a vote. President Bush said don't worry -- once their democracy is as sophisticated as ours that number should drop to 40 percent." --Conan O'Brien

    "President Bush said he was very happy with the results of the election. He was even more pleased that Proposition 26 legalizing gay marriage in Mosul was defeated." --Jay Leno

    "Terrorists in Iraqi claimed they had kidnapped a U.S. soldier. They even released a video showing a U.S. soldier with a gun to its head. Turns out the soldier was just a doll. A GI Joe doll but it was shot from a distance so it looked real. Turns out the whole news story was fake. It's nice to see Dan Rather working again." --Jay Leno

    "Yesterday, Senator Hillary Clinton fainted. Apparently, she fainted after coming home and finding her husband alone"" --Conan O'Brien

    "A quick reminder for all Iraqis watching -- the crooked voting machines are due back to Florida by Friday. " --David Letterman

    "Iraq's interim president says that thousands of Iraqis couldn't vote because they ran out of ballots. Things are so bad that they have declared a state of Ohio." --Craig Ferguson

    "They did not release the names of the candidates until two days before the election. To protect the candidates they didn't even tell you who was running until two days before the election. Why can't we do that here?" --Jay Leno

    "A lot of Iraqi citizens here in the United States, they voted in the election as well. In fact, a lot of Iraqis in Chicago voted seven or eight times -- some are still voting now." --Jay Leno

    "This week the mayor of Baghdad said he would like to erect a statue of President Bush in the middle of the city. Then the mayor of Baghdad said, unfortunately there is no middle of the city." --Conan O'Brien

    "Detainees at Guantanamo Bay they claim that one of the methods used to get them to talk is when a female interrogator would question them while wearing thong underwear. I believe that's called good cop, great cop." --Jay Leno

    "It has been reported that **** Cheney's lesbian daughter is writing a book about her relationship with her father. It's called 'Why I never got close to ****.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "You know there was a bounty on Osama bin Laden -- $25 million and they have now doubled it. $50 million is the bounty on Osama bin Laden. And it makes sense because if you're a goat farmer in Tora Bora, $25 million just isn't going to get your attention." -David Letterman

    "We now turn our attention to North Korea where Dictator Kim Jong-Il says when he retires he is looking forward to turning the power over to his son. You know his son Mental-le-ill." -David Letterman

    "A new Medicare drug benefit passed by Congress last year will now cover lifestyle drugs such as viagra. Government spokesmen explained the American seniors will no longer have to choose between buying groceries and getting booty calls." --Craig Ferguson

    "How about this for a mystery? Over in Iraq, United States authorities have admitted that $9 billion is missing. They have misplaced $9 billion in Iraq. Wow. I am fairly confident they'll find it though. It's probably some where with the weapons of mass destruction." -David Letterman

    "According to the Congressional Budget Office, Social Security will be completely depleted by 2052, completely broke. Again I don't think President Bush understands these issues. He says 2052 -- well, that's all right, by then all our old people will be dead." --Jay Leno

    "Voter turnout was lowest among Iraq's Sunni minority. Saddam Hussein was Sunni and many in the group resent the loss of power. They feel alienated by the current political climate and are unwilling to accept the election results, and may react with violence. They're just like Democrats, except they might actually do something." --Jon Stewart

    "Yesterday, of course, was election day in Iraq, and out of force of habit, John Kerry gave a concession speech." --Jay Leno

    "The election was such a success, today **** Cheney said, 'We're so close to that oil, I can taste it.'" --Jay Leno

    "Lord knows we're all pleased that they're holding up their ink-stained index fingers to the cameras, and not the other finger that they could certainly hold up, given the fact that they still don't have electricity." --Jon Stewart, on Iraqi voters

    "President Bush said today he wants another $80 billion in Iraq funding. So when he said Iraq isn't free yet, he ain't kidding." --Jay Leno

    "Do you know they return to the polls for another round of voting later in the year? Six months they go back again. So it's basically same Shiite, different day." --Jay Leno

    "According to a new book, prisoners at Guantanamo Bay were questioned by female intelligence officers wearing thongs. Here's my question -- where the hell are those pictures? I keep getting that one naked guy in the pyramid. You know, I'm tired of looking at that. Can we see some naked women in thongs?" --Jay Leno

    "Hillary Clinton fainted during a speech. She's fine but what I don't understand is why Bill Clinton was giving mouth-to-mouth to her assistant." --Craig Ferguson

    "The U.S. Mint has released a new California state quarter. On one side is Governor Schwarzenegger's head and on the other side is the rest of his head." --Craig Ferguson

    "Big news out of Iraq today. Voter turnout was higher than expected. The big losers were the terrorists. In fact, they've changed their name from al Qaeda to al Gore" --Craig Ferguson

    "The U.S. authority in Iraq has misplaced $9 billion. You know where we should look for the $9 billion -- under the weapons of mass destruction." --Craig Ferguson

    Jokes for the Week of Jan. 23-29

    "It's amazing -- we invade a country, overthrow a dictator, and then boom, we have an election. Well, more like, boom, boom, boom." --Jay Leno, on the Iraq election

    "Iraqi politicians are telling voters that if they don't vote for them they will go to Hell. Imagine using religion to try and get votes. Thank God our people would not do that." --Jay Leno

    "Iraqis are voting in U.S. cities like Washington D.C. and Detroit. The amazing thing is there is more gunfire in those cities then in Fallujah and Baghdad." --Jay Leno

    "Congratulations by the way to Condoleezza Rice who today was confirmed today as secretary of state. Which makes Rice the most powerful black women in the country, besides Oprah that is." --Craig Ferguson

    "Earlier today on only her second day on the job, Condoleezza Rice made Barbara Boxer ambassador to Fallujah." --Jay Leno

    "Happy Birthday to Vice President **** Cheney who turns 64 this Sunday. Isn't that lovely. He plans to spend the day with his loved ones, Shell and Exxon." --Craig Ferguson

    "President Bush's daughter Jenna has a new boyfriend and everybody in Washington is asking who's the lucky designated driver?" --Craig Ferguson

    "Lawmakers in Washington, Illinois and other states are now considering a vanity tax on cosmetic surgery and botox injections. Could you imagine if they did that in California? That would be huge. I mean Joan Rivers alone could save social security." --Jay Leno

    "How many times do I have to tell you guys, if it's in the paper and not about a cat eating lasagna, I haven't read it." --Jon Stewart, on Bush saying he hasn't followed the Armstrong Williams scandal, in which the Bush administration paid the commentator to promote the No Child Left Behind Act

    "President Bush held the first news conference of in his second term against the back drop of revelations that the administration has been paying columnists to report favorably on their policies and other reporters complaints about strong arm tactics and lock step spin. [Clip Bush: 'There needs to be a nice independent relationship between the White House and the press and the administration and the press.'] Absolutely. Completely independent. The White House has its press and you guys can have yours." --Jon Stewart

    "According to a new book, female officers at Guantanamo Bay would sometimes wear just a thong,while they interrogated these Iraqi prisoners. In order to make them feel uncomfortable they'd just put on a thong. Is that they best way to get at the truth? Usually when a guy sees a women in a thong is when he starts lying. No, I'm not married I'm just hanging out." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush has a plan to shrink the record budget deficit. Today he put all the blue states on Ebay. Every one of them." --Craig Ferguson

    "Condoleezza Rice was confirmed by a vote of 85, 13, despite a contentious but futile protest vote by democrats. By the way, for a fun second term drinking game, chug a beer every time you hear the phrase 'contentious but futile protest vote by democrats.' By the time Jeb Bush is elected, you'll be so wasted you won't even notice the war in Syria." --Jon Stewart

    "According to the folks at the White House the federal budget deficit is now a whooping $427 billion dollars. For a guy who quite drinking President Bush sure knows how to run up a tab." --Craig Ferguson

    "Iraqi officials are worried about the upcoming election. They think they could lead to a civil war. At this point wouldn't a civil war be an improvement?" --Craig Ferguson

    "Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office." --Jon Stewart

    "SpongeBob SquarePants -- he's here, he lives in a pineapple under the sea, get used to it." --Jon Stewart, after the cartoon character came under attack by religious conservatives for allegedly advocating a pro-homosexual agenda

    "Michael Moore announced his latest project. A film looking at voter fraud at the Oscars. ... As you heard Michael Moore's film, 'Fahrenheit 9/11' did not get one nomination for an Oscar, not one. Today, President Bush said, 'Does this mean I can't get best actor now?'" --Jay Leno

    "Attorney General John Ashcroft said his farewell to Washington. He said now that he retired he is going to do some of the things he never got a chance to do, like read the Constitution." --Jay Leno

    "This was the greatest year ever for African-American actors. Five out of the 20 acting nominations went to African-Americans. In fact, Condoleezza Rice is up for best actress for her line 'I'm looking forward to working with Barbara Boxer.'" --Jay Leno

    "The latest reports say that President Bush is going to double the reward for capturing Osama Bin Laden from $25 million to $50 million dollars. $50 million, which sounds like a lot until you think the Mets spent $119 million to get Carlos Beltran." --Jay Leno

    "Five more days till the Iraqi elections. I am going to make a prediction -- I'm going to go out on a limb and bet the winner will be name Muhammad something." --Jay Leno

    "An article in last week's New Yorker magazine, by reporter Seymour Hersch, who will apparently talk to anyone, alleges the Pentagon has been conducting secret spy missions inside Iran to identify possible targets ... or a possible full scale invasion. If you are wondering how our already stretched forces will be able to handle invading Iran as well -- shuttle service will be complimentary." --Jon Stewart

    "In Washington President Bush has asked Congress for another $80 billion to fight the war in Iraq. Wouldn't it be cheaper to just buy Iraq?" --Craig Ferguson

    "Republicans say they plan to press for a constitution amendment to ban gay marriage. Because the founding fathers intended gay sex to be very casual. They didn't want it to be married." --Craig Ferguson

    "A state senator from Tennessee, by the name of John Ford, a Democrat, is in court for child support and he revealed he lives with his divorced wife and their three kids three days a week. He lives with his girlfriend and their two kids the other four days a week. He's being sued by another girlfriend for child support and his ex-wife is pregnant by him again. But the good news today he was given the Jerry Springer lifetime achievement award" --Jay Leno

    Jokes for the Week of Jan. 16-22

    Jon Stewart: "Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for –- the official halfway point of the Bush presidency."
    President Bush: "I George Walker Bush do solemnly swear…"
    Stewart: "At which point 49 percent of the country also solemnly swore."

    "You folks see the inauguration ceremony last night? George W. Bush sworn in as president? I'll tell you it is starting to look really bad for John Kerry. But it was nice to see a president put a hand on the Bible instead of an intern." --David Letterman

    "Bush's inauguration address was interrupted 27 times for applause and three times for vacation." --David Letterman

    "But you know the inauguration was a huge success -- President Bush raised 40 million dollars." --David Letterman

    "A huge family night for the Bush family. This morning the Bush twins woke up in Lincoln's lap." --David Letterman

    "The big inaugural was yesterday and yesterday President Bush's mother -- Barbara Bush -- brought a camera and was taking pictures the whole time. When asked why she said 'because my grand daughters won't remember any of this tomorrow'" --Conan O'Brien

    "The parties have ended, the inauguration is over, it is back to work for President Bush. That's right -- today he left for a vacation." --Craig Ferguson

    "President Bush had his swearing in. Actually a few Democrats are still swearing." --Jay Leno

    "If you watched it is was a very emotional moment. Laura Bush she had tears in her eyes. Barbara Bush -- his mother -- had tears in her eyes. John Kerry had tears in his eyes." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush went back to Pennsylvania Ave and sat in a viewing stand. He thought there was going to be a parade everyday." --Jay Leno

    "There were a total of ten balls last night and President Bush went to all ten. He even went to the Texas Air National Guard ball but no one recalls seeing him there" --Jay Leno

    "Did you see Bill and Hillary sitting there? Bill was sitting there wishing it was 1996 and Hillary was sitting there wishing it was 2008." --Jay Leno

    "Here is an interesting piece of inaugural history. Do you know which of our presidents had the shortest inauguration speech? Al Gore." --Jay Leno

    "And now you know what is next -- the big Iraqi election. You can feel the excitement for the election here in New York. All the cabbies have there Allawi bumpie stickers. Prime Minister Allawi is not that popular in Iraq but the public loves the Allawi twins -- Courtney and Zabiba." --David Letterman

    "A conservative Christian group accused Sponge Bob Squarepants of being gay. ... Yeah apparently the gay rumors started after Richard Simmons used Sponge Bob as a loofa." --Conan O'Brien

    "Dr. James Dobson, the founder of the conservative Christian organization, Focus on the Family, claimed in a speech Tuesday that the cartoon character SpongeBob Squarepants is gay, and is being used in a pro-homosexual video designed to brainwash kids. And yet he gives that carpet-muncher Dora the Explorer a free ride." --Tina Fey

    "Time magazine reported this week that Katie Couric has been approached by CBS to replace Dan Rather as anchor of the CBS 'Evening News.' Apparently CBS really likes her idea for a segment called 'Where in the World is Osama bin Laden? ... Replacing Rather with Couric would be good for people who like the news, but wish it contained more awkward flirting.'" --Tina Fey

    "President Bush is being criticized because his inaugural celebration cost $40 million. When asked about it, the president said, 'Sorry, but my daughters insisted on an open bar.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "Some people are criticizing President Bush for spending $40 million on his inauguration, but hey, give the guy a break, he's excited. After all, this is the first time he's really been elected." –Jay Leno

    "In the speech President Bush said that as a country we have a calling from 'beyond the stars.' You know what this means? He’s drinking again." --David Letterman

    "CNN is reporting that a longtime friend of President Bush says that Bush is telling everyone, in the next four years he intends to be 'really aggressive'. 'Really aggressive'? In the past four years we launched what, two wars? What's 'really aggressive' going to look like? What, are we gonna bomb Canada now?" --Jay Leno

    "Today was President Bush's inauguration. What a great symbol for our republic, the inauguration. Everyone had a good time. Senator Ted Kennedy was in a good mood, he had a few too many cocktails and was writing his name in the snow." --David Letterman

    "Security was tight in Washington, D.C. The Bush twins were stopped by margarita sniffing dogs." --David Letterman

    "All kinds of dignitaries from around the world were at the event or called President Bush. Prince Harry of England could not make it. He’s busy at his mountain top bunker in Bavaria." --David Letterman

    "Three former presidents were there. Clinton, Carter, Gore…they were all there." --David Letterman
    "It was cold though. It was so cold that former President Jimmy Carter built himself a shelter." --David Letterman

    "Actually Cheney was sworn in a few minutes before President Bush. So technically, for a few minutes, it was almost as if **** Cheney was running the country." --Jay Leno

    There was one kind of embarrassing moment during the inauguration – Chief Justice William Rehnquist told President Bush, 'Repeat after me' and Bush said, 'After me.'" --Jay Leno

    "Did you see Rehnquist when he arrived? He was hunched over, wearing a black beret and a big oversized robe. In fact, Bill Clinton saw him from the back and said, 'Monica?'" --Jay Leno

    "The Bush administration unveiled a new dance at the inaugural balls. It’s called the Iraqi Misstep." --Jay Leno

    "The New York Post reports John Kerry and Al Gore are going to run in 2008. Upon hearing this, President Bush said, 'Goody, I can win a third term.'" --Jay Leno

    "In preparation for his inauguration, President Bush was shown an original copy of the Constitution. When he saw the Constitution, Bush said, 'Oh, it's that thing from School House Rock.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "Bush says being re-elected, he doesn't have the same pressure as the first time. He said he wants to enjoy himself in the Oval Office this time. Not as much as Clinton enjoyed himself." --Jay Leno

    "Washington DC is on high alert for this week's inaugural event for President Bush. Anti-aircraft missals have been deployed near the capitol. F-16's are patrolling around the clock and every bartender in town is on strict orders -- do not serve the Bush twins." --Craig Ferguson

    "It was so cold that for the inauguration tomorrow they may need to use jumper cables to start both the president's limo and **** Cheney." --Jay Leno

    "One embarrassing moment during the rehearsal, they asked President Bush if he thought of his inauguration as a gala event and he said 'Hey as long as none of them try and get married it is fine with me. They are all welcome to come.'" --Jay Leno

    "Republican speech writer Peggy Noonan said that the president's second inaugural speech usually refers to all their accomplishments of the past four years. So the good news it should be a pretty short speech." --Jay Leno

    "Security is unbelievable, the only Arab allowed in any of the parties has to show proof that they own an oil well." --Jay Leno

    "So everything is being done to assure a smooth passage. I'm starting to worry about President Bush again, when he was told that Condoleezza Rice had been confirmed today he said 'I didn't even know she was Catholic.'" --Craig Ferguson

    "An article in the current New Yorker magazine says the next place the Bush administration plans to attack is Iran. Well, that seems like a mistake. Shouldn't the next place we go after be the Neverland ranch? Let's bring democracy to those people." --Jay Leno

    "Historians say the most commonly used phrase at inaugurations is 'My fellow citizens.' However, the most commonly used phrase at President Bush's inauguration is expected to be 'My fellow United Statesers.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "Did you hear about this? The U.S. is sending a top secret reconnaissance team into Iran. How secret can it be if a dumb *** like me knows about it?" --David Letterman

    "Security is a big issue this year. So the Secret Service announced that people attending President Bush's inaugural ceremony will not be allowed to bring coolers or alcoholic beverages. In other words, the Bush twins will not be going." --Conan O'Brien

    "Some groups are calling on people to fast and pray on the day of Bush's inauguration to protest the re-election. That's not going to work. The people who fast and pray are the ones who voted him in. That's his audience." --Jay Leno

    "According to the New York Post both Al Gore and John Kerry are planning on running for president in 2008. Gore and Kerry -- again experts say it is to early to say who would loose bigger." --Jay Leno

    "There is a rumor that al Qaeda is going bankrupt. And I think it might be true because last week Martha Stewart dumped all her al Qaeda stock." --David Letterman

    "At her confirmation hearing as Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said it's time for the United States to start using more diplomacy. You know what that means -- we're running low on ammunition." --Jay Leno

    "News from Washington -- Condoleezza Rice ... says there are no plans to invade North Korea, which can only mean one thing -- they don't have any oil." --Craig Ferguson

    "Talk show host Jerry Springer called the war in Iraq immoral. Springer made the remarks while breaking up a fight between a hooker and a deadbeat dad." --Conan O'Brien

    "You know election day in Iraq is only two weeks away. In preparation we are sealing the Iraq's borders. We can't even seal California's borders so how does that work?" --Jay Leno

    "Traditionally the president's inaugural committee pays for these expenses; this time around it's stiffing the District of Columbia with a 12 million dollar security bill -- just their way of saying 'thank you' to the community that went nine-to-one for the president's opponent." --Jon Stewart, on security expenses for Bush's inauguration

    "In an interview in USA Today, President Bush said he is not wasting any more money on programs that are not working. Well that's good news. I guess the war in Iraq is over." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush told the reporter that he saw his re-election as the approval by the American people to continue the war in Iraq. Kind of like how Clinton thought his re-election meant the American people wanted him to continue cheating on Hillary." --Jay Leno

    "Last night on '20/20' Barbara Walters interviewed President Bush and his wife at the White House on the eve of his second inauguration. And like all of her interviews Walters did not shy away form the difficult questions. [Clip of Walters: 'Are you a cat person or a dog person?'] Are you a cat person or a dog person? Of course with President Bush the questions don't need to be difficult to seem difficult. [Walters: 'What three words most describe your state of mind.' Bush: 'Excited, hopeful and appreciative.'] You know he wanted to say 9/11 but he couldn't figure out how many words that was." --Tina Fey

    "Did you watch the Golden Globes last night? ... Hillary Clinton made an appearance. She was nominated for 'Kill Bill.' ... It was the largest celebrity gathering since the last anti-Bush rally." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush gave a speech honoring the life of Martin Luther King today. And then he said, Mr. King hosts my favorite CNN show." --Jay Leno

    Jokes for the Week of Jan. 9-15

    "The White House announced that Ruben Studdard is going to perform at one of the President Bush's inauguration celebrations. Republicans said they chose Studdard because he's one of the red states." --Conan O'Brien

    "One week from tonight President Bush will be sworn in, once again, as president of the United States. This will mark only the second time in four years that he's had his hand on a book." --Jay Leno

    "Of course, this will be a lot less crowded then the last one because we have fewer allies." --Jay Leno

    "It was also announced that on the night of the inauguration, President Bush will attend nine parties in one night -- nine parties. Trying to break his old record at Yale." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush says now, boy this is unbelievable, Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction. Oh! I'll be darned. But President Bush says there is strong evidence that Saddam Hussein had an illegal nanny." --David Letterman

    "The White House officially concluded today there are no WMDs in Iraq. What a though couple of months it has been for George Bush? This month -- no weapons. Last month -- no Santa."--Craig Ferguson

    "After nearly two years the White House announced the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq is over. Of course, it won't really be over until the French say we're ready to go in." --Jay Leno

    "Ted Kennedy said today that the Democratic party is still the majority party. That means he's been drinking again." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush announced tough new reading standards for high school students. He wants ninth graders to read at an eight grade level by the time they are in 12th grade." --Jay Leno

    "The United States has stopped searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. So two years of looking, one war and the closest we came to it was a pound and a half of rancid mutton." --David Letterman

    "We have officially stopped the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. And as you know we didn't find any. Thank God we found that out before we did anything crazy! Imagine if we had gone in there before we found that out!" --Jay Leno

    "So the president doesn't read the papers. The only real information he gets he gets from his loyal aides and even when he goes to a town hall meeting, to meet the people, they have been pre-selected. Our president is living in the 'Truman Show'. Nothing happens around him that isn't planned. I don't even think he knows we're out here watching." --Jon Stewart

    "The inauguration is coming up. It was announced today that the first lady, Laura Bush's dress will be designed by Oscar De La Renta. And President Bush said he was surprised he said I loved the kid as a boxer I just had no idea...I guess the Bush twins will wear dresses by Badgley Mischka and **** Chenney's daughter will wear L.L. Bean." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush announced today that he wanted to institute a test to insure that high school students are reading at their grade level. Bush said the program was necessary because a lot of their students weren't reading at their grade level; they were reading at presidential level." --Conan O'Brien

    "President Bush admitted today that there are four areas of Iraq where it will be very difficult for people to vote. The east, the west, the north, and the south." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush said, and this is the actual quote, 'The election will go ahead as scheduled, it doesn't matter if nobody votes -- the important thing is to say you held an election.' Worked in Florida." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush is getting ready for his inauguration next week. He's working on his speech. Its a pretty good speech. So far all he has is 'ask not what your corporation can do for you but what you can do for your corporation.'" --Jay Leno

    "They say that the security arrangements for the up coming presidential inauguration will be the most extensive in history. And that's just to keep the Bush twins away from the champagne." --Craig Ferguson

    "As you know a big shake up over at CBS new over the story about President Bush and the falsified National Guard records. CBS issued a report saying that '60 Minutes' was mislead by an unreliable source. Yeah, I think his name was Dan Rather." --Jay Leno

    "The independent counsel also said that CBS failed to follow basic journalistic principles in reporting. And then today Fox said 'So?'" --Jay Leno

    "The people who were fired by CBS news were treated shabbily. They were all forced to get together and form a naked pyramid." --David Letterman

    "CBS News today has fired four employees for wildly fabricating a news story. The good news: they all got jobs over at Fox." --Craig Ferguson

    "Did you hear that Mahmoud Abbas was elected president of Palestine? I heard the votes were counted by his brother Jeb Mahmoud Abbas." --David Letterman

    "Guess who was at the auto show in Detroit opening night? Bill Clinton. And they had the beautiful auto show models, showing the cars, you know. And he was seen talking to one of the models apparently about the price for a hummer." --David Letterman

    "Palestinians went to the polls and elected a new president, Mahmoud Abbas. And John Kerry was there as an observer. You know same role he played in our last election." --Jay Leno

    "Four people have been fired over the weekend from CBS over the Dan Rather report on President Bush's National Guard scandal. The network said the four employees were fired for sloppy reporting and incompetent fact checking. But the good news, today all four of them were hired by the New York Times." --Jay Leno

    "According to rumors down there in Washington, President Clinton and George W. Bush are buddies. They're pals. They're getting together. They're hanging around. They're becoming friends. A lot of people think it may just be Clinton's way of making a move on the Bush twins." --David Letterman

    Jokes for the Week of Jan. 2-8

    "President Bush has been working on his inauguration, not the actual speech but the word inaugural." --Jay Leno

    "San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom has announced that he and his wife are getting divorced. See, I know that town should have never allowed straights to get married." --Jay Leno

    "Donald Trump is introducing a line of hair care products. That's like George Bush publishing a dictionary." --David Letterman

    "Preparations are in high gear for the Bush inauguration and it's really beginning to look bad now for John Kerry. But everybody at the White House is very excited about the inauguration. Early today the Bush twins picked the designated driver." --David Letterman

    "Here's the updated concerning Ms. Beazley -- the new puppy at the White House. Today there was a biting incident involving **** Cheney. But don't worry, the dog's okay" --Craig Ferguson

    "President Bush and his wife got a new dog today. Isn't that cute? The little rascal has stained the rug in the Oval Office so many times they've had to name him Clinton. ... You know why the president had to get a new dog -- because the old one resigned." --Craig Ferguson

    "President Bush has begun working on his inauguration day speech. When sworn in he says he will swear to preserve, protect and defend the constitution of the United States, and the treasure map that is drawn on the back." --Jay Leno

    "Trent Lott, who is in charge of the entertainment for the inaugural ceremony, announced that one of the performers at the event this year will be a singer from the Lawrence Welk show, who will sing a song written by John Ashcroft. Who says Republicans don't know how to party? A singer from the Lawrence Welk show singing a song written by John Ashcroft? If they did that at Guantanamo Bay the Red Cross would declare cruel and unusual punishment." --Jay Leno

    "Alberto Gonzales, nominee for the U.S. attorney general, answered some tough questions from Congress today about his role in the Iraqi prison torture scandal. But afterwards he said to make himself relax he used that old trick of imagining your audience in their underwear -- with hoods over their heads being led around on a dog leash by a women. It just helps to get your mind clear." --Jay Leno

    "At the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia tourists can experience what it is like to take the oath of office -- a virtual swearing in station. Your image is up on a giant screen while an actor playing a Supreme Court justice swears you in. It is kinda like a fantasy land for Democrats." --Jay Leno

    "Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his State of the State address last night. He talked about his solution to the high cost of prescriptions drugs. He says stop whining and walk it off -- there is nothing wrong with a tumor you can't walk off so get out and exercise instead of taking the drugs." -- Jay Leno

    "Congress returned to session yesterday after having a month off. Did you even notice they were gone? See that's when you know you have a government job. There aren't any other jobs where you leave for a month and nobody even realizes you weren't there." -- Jay Leno

    "There was an animal rights group who asked former President Jimmy Carter to stop fishing. How about that? They told him to stop fishing. This makes him the first president to be told to put his rod away since, well ..." --David Letterman

    "Some exciting news coming out of Washington. The new cabinet there has exciting new ideas. They have found a way to eliminate Social Security crisis and the war in Iraq -- draft the elderly. There you are." --Craig Ferguson

    "You may recall immediately after news of the tsunami broke the Bush administration pledged aid to the region in the amount of 15 million dollars. A bold statement to the world that America is willing to spend about as much on the victims of the greatest natural tragedy in recent history as it was willing to spend on the first week of 'Spanglish.'" --Jon Stewart

    "A prominent Republican, Christine Todd Whitman, who resigned from Bush's cabinet, has written a new book criticizing the right wing's control over the Republican party. It's called 'It's My Party Too: The Battle for the Heart of the GOP.' See that's the part I don't get. Battling for the heart of the Republican Party -- isn't that like fighting for the brain of the Democratic Party?" --Jay Leno

    "I don't know if anybody got this week's Newsweek but there is an interview in there with John Kerry and in there he says -- this is a quote -- John Kerry says he didn't loose the election, he just didn't win. See that's the clear decisive kind of thinking that made us all love him." --Jay Leno

    "The Bush administration is proposing a change in the social security system. They want to cut benefits in nearly a third in the next twenty or thirty years. The new program is called 'good luck grandma you're on your own.' You've fallen and you can get up." -Jay Leno

    "Fidel Castro announced that an oil site with up to 100 million barrels has been found of the coast of Cuba. The only problem is you give the Cubans 100 million barrels the entire population will just float to Miami." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush was shocked to hear Yushenko won Ukraine's run-off election. He said, 'I didn't even know Weird Al was running.'" --Jay Leno

    Jokes for the Weeks of Dec. 19-Jan. 1

    "Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape saying that any Iraqi voting in the January election will be considered an infidel and will be punished by God, and he also urged people not to waste their vote on Ralph Nader." --Jay Leno

    "In Cuba, Fidel Castro says that they have found a drilling site in Cuba with 100 million barrels of oil. Boy, how long before Bush says, 'People of Cuba, we are here to free you! You will no longer live under oppression and tyranny.'" --Jay Leno

    "Here in New York, thousands of people partied in funny hats and popped balloons in Times Square. Those who were there said it was just like the Republican Convention, but with black people." --Conan O'Brien

    "President Bush said he doesn't really celebrate New Year's Eve and plans on being in bed by 9:30. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton says she does celebrate New Year's Eve and plans on being in bed by 9:30." --Conan O'Brien

    "Secretary of State Colin Powell will push the button to drop the ball in Times Square, which seems kind of odd -- usually when someone drops the ball in New York, he's wearing a Mets cap." --Jay Leno

    "As you know, Time magazine has named President Bush 'Person of the Year' -- quite an honor. Although I'm not sure Bush understands it. Like he said today, he can't decide if he wants the free travel alarm clock or the tote bag." --Jay Leno

    "You know who else was being considered -- this is absolutely true -- Michael Moore, guy who did 'Fahrenheit 9/11.' Michael Moore was also being considered Time's 'Person of the Year.' Unfortunately, he couldn't fit on the cover." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush got an early Christmas gift. This week, President Bush was chosen as 'Person of the Year' by Time magazine. Not only that, Martha Stewart was chosen as person of the year by Doing Time magazine." --Conan O'Brien

    "Things are not looking good for Donald Rumsfeld. First Sen. John McCain said he had no confidence in him. Now Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf said he's angry at Rumsfeld for not providing soldiers in Iraq with the proper armor. In fact, Rumsfeld has screwed up so badly, President Bush might have to give him one of those Medal of Freedom awards." --Jay Leno

    "Today's USA Today features an editorial by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld defending the war in Iraq. You can tell it was written by Rumsfeld because the opening line of the editorial is 'shut your pie hole and listen.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "The international space station is running low on food. They asked Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld about this. And Rumsfeld said, you go to space with the food you've got, not the food you want." --David Letterman

    "President Bush said that he is standing by Rumsfeld. And you know what that means, he'll be gone in a week." --David Letterman

    "The Clintons are getting ready for Christmas up in Chappaqua. It's the same thing every year. Hillary comes down the stairs on Christmas morning to find a surprise under Bill." --Jay Leno

    "The University of Arkansas has bought the house that Bill Clinton grew up in and plans to make it into a museum. The university has also bought the doghouse that Bill spent most of the '90s in." --Conan O'Brien

    "President Bush began making cuts in the federal budget. And to help out, the Bush twins are switching to Rite Aid vodka." --David Letterman

    "A lot of Americans are worried now. They say they can't rely on Social Security anymore. And you know something, they're right. If you want the government to pay for your housing and your food and your medical bills until your 80 or 90 years old you're just going to have to kill somebody and go live on death row because that's the only way it's going to happen." --Jay Leno

    "Yesterday, I received a Christmas card from Donald Rumsfeld in the mail. Would have been nice if he had actually signed it." --David Letterman

    "Now here is the latest on Social Security. It looks like Donald Rumsfeld is about to start collecting it." --Jay Leno

    "Congratulations to President George Bush, named Time magazine's 'Person of the Year.' And, of course, when he heard the news he was stunned. Bush said, 'I don't even subscribe to Time magazine.' ... I still don't think Bush quite gets it. Today he was asking people, 'So where is Ed McMahon with my big check?" --Jay Leno

    "President Bush got man of the year and in a related story John Kerry got a free copy of Entertainment Weekly." --Jay Leno

    ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive

    Jokes for the Week of Dec. 12-18

    "At his annual physical last week, the president found out he has gained six pounds over the last year and he has pledged to loose the weight as soon as possible. So, finding Osama bin Laden gets pushed even further down the to-do list." --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

    "It was reported that while at the White House Christmas party first daughter Barbara Bush smashed her head on the dance floor when a friend she was dancing with dipped her to low. That friend -- Captain Morgan." --Amy Poehler, "Weekend Update"

    "Various anti-Bush groups plan to protest his inauguration by lining the streets and turning their backs to his motorcade. You know it's not going to work though because he's going to get out to see what they're all looking at." --Amy Poehler

    "In his speech last night President Bush said this nation should never settle for mediocrity. Then he let **** Cheney finish the speech." --Jay Leno

    "Bill Clinton was walking through Central Park this week and a crowd gathered and began to ask him questions. And some one interrupted and said 'You were an embarrassment to the office of commander and chief.' Clinton fought right back and said 'Honey can we save this till we get home.'" --Jay Leno

    "The first lady has had her staff put up 41 Christmas trees. Or, as President Bush said, one for each state." --Conan O'Brien

    "The Bush administration is now sponsoring a two day economic summit in D.C. One of the panels is focusing on jobs in the 21st century. Of course that panel is in India." --Jay Leno

    "I am not sure if President Bush fully grasps this issue. Like he was asked today if he has any plans to make the dollar stronger? And he said we were thinking of making it two-ply." --Jay Leno

    "How bout that Bernard Kerik, former police commissioner who was gonna be the head of Homeland Security. You know I think he would be a great Homeland Security director. He's had three wives and two mistresses. I mean he's used to fighting terrorism." --David Letterman

    "President Bush Awarded the Medal of Freedom to former CIA director George Tenet. Remember the country went to war on his absolute guarantee that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction -- a 'slam dunk.' Of course, it turned out that the information was completely wrong. And today Dan Rather asked 'Hey, where is my medal?' " --Jay Leno

    "Bernard Kerik says he is sorry he'll not be able to be head of Homeland Security. He said with a wife and two mistresses he just doesn't have the time. ... He hired a nanny that may have been an illegal alien. He had a number of mistresses and may have had mob ties. That makes you feel secure! I mean, we can't even do a background check on the guy who is supposed to be in charge of background checks. " --Jay Leno

    "Turns out Bernard Kerik had three wives, two mistresses and several girlfriends and every cent he earned was for Viagra." --David Letterman

    "One reason the Bernard Kerik nomination looked good is Democrats like Hillary Clinton praised him. Hillary thought he would do a good job. That's unusual -- Hillary looking the other way for a guy who's been fooling with his wife." --Jay Leno

    "One of President Bush's daughters, Jenna, is going to teach at a public school in DC. She is going to probably teach English. In a related story, **** Cheney's daughter is going to teach phys ed." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush had his annual physical over the weekend and **** Cheney had his annual autopsy. The doctor told Bush his health was A-okay and Bush told him flat out 'Don't give me all the medical jargon. Give it to me in terms I can understand.'" --Jay Leno

    "The trade deficit swelled to an all time high of $55.5 billion. Do you know what our number one export is now? National Guard troops." --Jay Leno

    "The Army gives free breast implants to our female soldiers. We don't have enough armor for our troops but we can give them breast implants. I say we make the implants out of kevlar so then they can be out on the front lines" --Jay Leno

    "Adhering to his Special Olympics approach to his administration, President Bush awarded George Tenet, Paul Bremer and Tommy Franks the nation's highest civilian honor yesterday -- the Presidential Medal of Freedom"” --Jon Stewart

    "This is the six-year anniversary of Bill Clinton's impeachment. I think we all know where we were when we heard that he was being impeached. And I know where he was -- he was at his desk in the oval office having sex." --David Letterman

    "The Bernard Kerik scandal is getting worse and worse. Since Kerik withdrew from his Homeland Security Director nomination it has been revealed that he has had a secret marriage, two mistresses and worked for a mafia-related company. As a result Kerik has been given a role on 'Desperate House Wives.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "I am sure you heard about President Bush's nominee for Secretary of Homeland Security -- Bernard Kerik -- has withdrawn his name because of nanny problems. But the New York Daily News says no no, they say he cheated on his wife, then he cheated on his mistress and then he cheated on his mistress with another women. Now Bush thinks secretly he may be a Democrat." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush has announced that our new Energy Secretary will be Sam Bodman. Boy I hope he can fill the charisma void left by Spencer Abraham." --David Letterman

    "Things are going very well for President Bush. He passed his physical. No word yet on his mental." --David Letterman

    ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive

    Jokes for the Week of Dec. 5-11

    "Former New York Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik, who was President Bush's nominee to be the next Homeland Security chief, abruptly withdrew his name from the nomination on Friday. So President Bush stubbornly insists on going back to his original choice -- Superman." --Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

    "The Anti-Defamation League is upset with Bill O'Reilly for suggesting to a Jewish caller that if he is offended by Christian attempts to convert him he should go back to Israel. Then he asked the caller what he was wearing." --Amy Poehler

    "John Kerry announced today that he will go to Iraq next month. I guess he heard they are having presidential elections." --Jay Leno

    "This week Jay Z was named president of the Def Jam record label. Sorry John Kerry." --Amy Poehler

    "In one of Washington's great ironies, President Bush has passed the intelligence bill. It is kind of like Bill Clinton passing a celibacy bill." --Jay Leno

    "Over in Kuwait Donald Rumsfeld held a question answer session with soldiers on their way to Iraq. One soldier asked him a really tough question, it was kind of embarrassing. He asked why don't we have proper armor for our vehicles. The guy who asked the question was Army Specialist Thomas Wilson. I'm sorry, Latrine Specialist Thomas Wilson. He has been re-assigned." --Jay Leno

    Jon Stewart: "Will Rumsfeld take personal responsibility for this problem? Clip: Rumsfeld: "I talked to the General coming out here about the pace at which the vehicles are being armored and it is essentially a matter of physics. It isn't a matter of money or on the part of the Army of desire. It is a matter of production and capability to do it."] Stewart: A matter of...physics. Don't you soldiers driving with no armor get it? Mass times velocity squared equals force. Damn you Einstein! Rumsfeld quickly moved from physics to philosophy. Clip: Rumsfeld: "You go to war with the Army you have not the Army you might want or wish to have." Stewart: "Actually they go to war, the Army. You fly in occasionally."

    "Today the Supreme Court in Canada ruled in favor of gay marriage, to which President Bush said, 'Whooo! I got out of there just in time!' Now you can say 'I am gay, eh?" --Jay Leno

    "President Bush visited with soldiers yesterday in an effort to f*ck up morale. I'm sorry, that's buck up morale. ... [Video of President Bush: 'Today's war on terror will not end with a ceremony on the deck of a battleship.'] Mr. President, if you're asking me not to trust ceremonies on the deck of battleships, I'm way ahead of you." --Jon Stewart

    "There is good news back home. Congress finally signed a bill approving a bill completely reorganizing America's intelligence community. And all is took was three years of nagging from grieving 9/11 widows. Cause you know, it was a back burner thing for Congress. It ain't Freedom Fries, people." --Jon Stewart

    "Donald Rumsfeld held a question and answer session with soldiers on their way to Iraq and one soldier asked why a lot of their vehicles still don't have the proper armor and Rumsfeld said, 'You go to war with the army you have. Not the armor your wish for.' And then he got into his armored car and drove away." --Jay Leno

    "Note to Donald Rumsfeld, you might want to cancel the next question and answer session with the troops. Unlike our media, they ask real questions apparently." --Jay Leno

    "Senator John McCain thinks that congress may have to step in to control the use of steroids in sports. The Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig agrees. Is this congress’ number one priority now? Baseball players. Did we win the war? How about global warming. Have we fixed that already?" --Jay Leno

    "President Bush was in California today. He was addressing the troops at Camp Pendelton. While there Bush took a moment to thank all the people in California who voted for him. That is all it took; a moment." --Jay Leno

    "Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson resigned from President Bush's cabinet. In his resignation speech he said he can't understand why terrorists haven't attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do. He also said the rear kitchen door to the White House is always left unlocked, the guard at the Statue of Liberty falls asleep at 3 am, oh and Bush's likes to sleep with the window open." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush is adamant that the elections in Iraq will take place on schedule on January 30, if we postpone them then you get in conflict with the Golden Globes, the Oscars and then the Peoples Choice Awards." --Jay Leno

    "After an attack at the American consulate, Saudi Arabia has renew their fight against terrorism, and they're serious, this time they may actually stop funding them." --Jay Leno

    "The president and Laura Bush sent a record two million Christmas cards. One for each resigning member of his cabinet." --Jay Leno

    "Tommy Thompson, the Secretary of Human Health and Human services has resigned. And when he resigned he said, 'I can't understand why terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it's so easy to do.' And today Osama Bin Laden said, 'Tommy thanks for the tip.'" --Jay Leno

    "President Bush has now nominated Bernard Kerik to be the next Secretary of Homeland Security. Kerik is a former prison warden. See Bush wanted him around to make sure no one else in the cabinet tries to escape." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush announced that the new head of Homeland security is Bernard Kerik, the former New York City police commissioner. You can actually tell he's a New Yorker because now the color coded warning system will go from green, to yellow to orange to forget about it" --Conan O'Brien

    ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive

    Jokes for the Week of Nov. 28-Dec.4

    "Last night over at NBC our good friend Tom Brokaw stepped down. Out of habit President Bush accepted his resignation." --David Letterman

    "Earlier tonight they had the national lighting of the Christmas tree. They threw the switch and the tree came to life. And apparently it worked so well they are going to try the same thing with **** Cheney." --David Letterman

    "The president sent out 2 million Christmas cards whereas President Clinton only sent out a half a million. But to be fair President Clinton did send out five million valentine cards." --Jay Leno

    "As you know Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge has resigned. He has not said what he wants to do yet but is sure it will have something to do with colors. He is talking to crayola right now." --Jay Leno

    "Last week, CBS anchor Dan Rather announced he’ll be retiring soon, and he seems to be getting a head start on his inevitable journey into insanity. He told the Hollywood Reporter that the ghost of legendary newsman Edward R. Murrow haunts the third floor, that he has spoken to the ghost, and that the ghost is watching over them – except for when that fake National Guard document showed up. Either that or it’s Lesley Stahl in a sheet trying to scare him into retirement. He also keeps calling Demi Moore with messages from Patrick Swayze. Now that I know he’s seeing ghosts – I want him to stick around forever! 'In Fallujah today – hold on, I’m getting a message from Casper.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

    "Elsewhere overseas, the invasion of and continued presence in Iraq still evokes passionate response. Witness this demonstration Tuesday, an angry mob shouting anti-U.S. slogans and toppling a statue of President Bush in a public square in the rouge nation of -- Canada. ... The angriest thing to come out of Canada in the last 20 years was Bare Naked Ladies." --Jon Stewart

    "Tom Ridge told friends he is resigning so he can go into the public sector to make more money. Finally a Republican acting like a Republican. That is an honest man. None of this crap about spending more time with my family. Forget red and orange, I want to see some green." --Jay Leno

    "NAACP president Kweisi Mfume announced that he is stepping down as head of the NAACP. President Bush issued a statement about it today saying that this shows what a great country this is, when a black man can rise to the head of the NAACP." --Jay Leno

    "A writer in the New York Times, a noted historian, was talking about Bill Clinton's legacy and said that Bill Clinton was at his best when his back was to the wall. Well Monica could have told them that." --Jay Leno

    You can really tell when the Republicans have taken over. You know who the new head of the NAACP is? Trent Lott." --Jay Leno

    "Bush is visiting Canada today. It is the first time he has visited since he took office in 2001. He said he was sorry it took so long but this would complete his goal of visiting all 50 states. Actually Bush was going to go to Canada in '68 but then his dad got him into the National Guard." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush is up in Canada to mend U.S./Canadian relations and pick up some discount Lipitor for Cheney." --David Letterman

    "When President Bush's parents heard he was going to Canada they asked if he could pick up some cheap proscription drugs." --Jay Leno

    "Down in Washington, Christmas is exciting because it's our nation's capitol and the White House. They have it all decorated. Beautiful! Quite a sight. A big huge 20-foot tree, 200 glass balls, 75 tinsel garlands and 50 resignations." --David Letterman

    "The Ukraine has now declared a winner in their presidential election, but the European Union says it is not legitimate. The give away was when the winner Viktor Yushchenko thanked his brother Jeb Yushchenko." --Jay Leno

    "Here's a late breaking bulletin from the Bush White House -- the White House Christmas tree has submitted its resignation." --David Letterman

    "Earlier today the president has called on all Americans to do volunteer work. For example -- National Guard service" --David Letterman

    ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive

    Jokes for the Week of Nov. 21-27

    "Dan Rather announced he was leaving. President Bush said, 'I didn't even know he was in my cabinet.'" --Jay Leno

    "Dan Rather said stepping down was the hardest thing he ever had to announce in his career. Actually the second hardest. The hardest thing he had to announce: Bush being re-elected." --Jay Leno

    "Dan Rather said today that his decision to retire has nothing to do with the controversy over those fake National Guard documents. That's kind of like Yasser Arafat saying his decision to step down had nothing to do with him dying." --Jay Leno

    "George Bush said today he was very sorry to hear that Dan Rather was leaving and then he said, 'By the way Dan, those National Guard documents…they were real!'" --Jay Leno

    "Boy there's a lot of changes in the nightly newscast. Tom Brokaw stepping down. Dan Rather stepping down. Soon the most trusted man in television could wind up being Geraldo Rivera." --Jay Leno

    "New York Governor George Pataki might be the next Director of Homeland Security. He’s at home right now memorizing the color chart." --David Letterman
    "President Bush has asked for a 50 percent increase in the number of spies and intelligence at the CIA. Apparently he’s not getting enough memos to ignore." --David Letterman

    "Dan Rather announced today that he's stepping down as anchor of the CBS News. Though rather said he hasn’t been able to verify it yet. So it's not official." --Jay Leno

    "He uses all those Texas expressions. He said 'He'd leave when the kettle starts whistling at the frying pan.' What does that mean?" --Jay Leno
    "Dan Rather announced that he's stepping down as the anchor of the CBS Evening News. I had a feeling something was coming yesterday when he signed off with, 'I'm Dan Rather and you can all bite me." --Jay Leno

    "There is political talk of amending the constitution so that Arnold Schwarzenegger could be president. The Democrats are against it. First they want the constitution changed so a Democrat can be president again." --Jay Leno

    "The Clinton Library was opened last Thursday. And today the city council in Little Rock voted to shut it down. Turns out, the area is not zoned for adult businesses." --Jay Leno

    "The Clinton Library is filled with more than 80 million presidential items, many that vibrate." --Jay Leno

    "There was another White House resignation today -- Laura Bush. That's right. Laura Bush is stepping down. She is going to be replaced by Mary Tyler Moore." --David Letterman

    "Did you see that melee at the Pacers and Pistons game? There was screaming, shoving, rioting – it was like Arafat’s funeral." --David Letterman

    It was on this date in 1963 that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. You know when I was growing up, everyone would always say "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Today the new head of the CIA said, "Kennedy has been shot?”--Jay Leno

    ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive

    Jokes for the Week of Nov. 14-20

    "Bill Clinton's presidential library opened yesterday and cost seven dollars to get in. On the bright side, every night is ladies' night." --Conan O'Brien

    "The Clinton library will have one alcove dedicated to the Lewinsky scandal, just like the Oval Office did." --Tina Fahy, Saturday Night Live's "Wekened Update"

    "We begin today with the only place you're likely to see a Democrat -- a museum." --Jon Stewart, on the dedication of the Clinton Presidential Library

    "Did you see the library? They said it's really something. They said the most popular attraction is the viewing booth where you pay a quarter and you get to watch." --Jay Leno

    "You know what today was? The official opening of the Clinton library in Little Rock, Arkansas. You probably saw it on the news. Poured -- nothing but rain, which is kind of ironic because a lot of dresses got ruined." --Jay Leno

    "There were 4 presidents there, standing side by side. Presidents Carter, Bush I, Clinton and of course George W. Bush. Kind of looked like the 99 cent store version of Mt. Rushmore" --Jay Leno

    "Not everyone is happy about the library. Some architectural critics say that the library look like a double wide trailer. ... In fact there is even a sign outside that says: 'If the library is rocking don't come a knocking.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "Al Gore was sitting there. I don't wanna say Al Gore is getting big, but he is sitting there, and when Clinton saw him from behind he said, 'Monica?'" --Jay Leno

    "Big gossip in Washington today. It's all Bush about kissing his cabinet secretary. First he kissed Condoleezza Rice twice on the cheek. Then he kissed his new education secretary right on the lips. One day Bush goes to the Clinton library and comes back the tongue. Now he is Bush the tongue." --Jay Leno

    "The opening of the Clinton Presidential Library -- did you hear about this? President Bush was actually there. It was a good day for him. He raised six and half million dollars." --David Letterman

    "President Bush actually was excited to be there because he had never been to a library before." --David Letterman

    "Bill Clinton was very excited. What made him very excited was the appearance of **** Cheney's hot, lesbian daughter." --David Letterman

    "Tomorrow is the opening of the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. Yeah, the opening ceremonies will feature speeches by former presidents, a 100-piece orchestra, and a wet T-shirt contest." --Conan O'Brien

    "Today was the day President Bush was going to pardon the presidential turkey. ... But before he could pardon him, he resigned." --David Letterman

    "You know what happens to the turkeys who are pardoned every year? They are released to a farm and they live out the rest of their lives on this little farm. Or at least that's what they tell President Bush." --Jay Leno

    "So Colin Powell has resigned and Condoleezza Rice is replacing him and in 2009, she'll replace Jay Leno." --David Letterman

    "It's kind of weird. Bush wins the election and everyone is leaving. In fact the Bush twins are being replaced by the Hilton sisters." --David Letterman

    "Colin Powell said today no one should be surprised that he's leaving. He said throughout his first term, he told President Bush that he always thought he would only serve one term and Bush said, 'Me too'!" --Jay Leno

    "President Bush announced that he would not be burying any more nuclear waste in Nevada. ... He said he is looking for a new site in a blue state." --David Letterman

    "Condoleezza Rice brings an impressive resume to her new job. The granddaughter of a cotton farmer, the former provost of Stanford University, she is fluent in four languages, an accomplished classical pianist, and even an expert figure skater. Wow, it seems like the only thing she can't do is make peace with other nations." --Jon Stewart

    "As the New York Times noted, Rice is the president's closest adviser on foreign policy matters, so close in fact she can even sometimes finish his sentences -- which makes one of them." --Jon Stewart

    "Colin Powell resigned. His replacement is Condoleezza Rice. It’s her job to continue to make sure the world hates us." --David Letterman

    "President Bush announced today that Condoleezza Rice will be replacing Colin Powell as secretary of state. When asked why he was leaving he said, 'I want to see what it's like to be ignored in the private sector.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "On Thursday down in Arkansas the Clinton Presidential Library opens. The library will have tours. There's a replica of the Oval Office to tour, and then you can visit the Hall of Alibis." --David Letterman

    "The Clinton Library is state of the art. They have a nice gift shop. You can buy a t-shirt. You can buy a coffee mug. You can also buy condoms with the presidential seal on them." --David Letterman

    "Here's the latest update on the Palestinian Authority — no one seems to know who’s really in charge, they can’t decide on a strategy, half the factions want to move to the center, the other half want to stay as extremists — I'm sorry, that's the Democratic Party." --Jay Leno

    "Secretary of State Colin Powell has resigned. He says he will stay on to help with the transition. So basically he’s now just a semi-Colin." --Jay Leno

    "Down in Washington, D.C. today a man tried to climb the fence to the White House. Luckily the man was knocked over by fleeing Bush cabinet members." --David Letterman

    "A lot of people leaving the Bush administration. Are you like me? It's hard to picture the Bush cabinet without Spencer Abraham." --David Letterman

    "This Thursday Bill Clinton will dedicate his new presidential library in Little Rock, Arkansas. They say the Clinton Library will attract more than 300,000 visitors a year. One of the most popular attractions ... you'll be able to ride the mechanical intern." --Jay Leno

    "Colin Powell and three others resigned today. President Bush said that this proves that he’s winning the war on his own staff." --David Letterman

    "Secretary of State Colin Powell has submitted his letter of resignation. Actually, he submitted it six months ago, but Bush didn’t get around to reading it until today." --Jay Leno

    "There was a scary moment over the weekend when **** Cheney was rushed to the hospital for heart problems. Don’t kid yourself, this is serious. Cheney has had four heart attacks ... and for a few minutes Bush was actually in charge." --David Letterman

    "Kind of a scare this weekend. Vice President **** Cheney went to the hospital after experiencing shortness of breath. I guess he panicked when he saw the price of oil going down." --Jay Leno

    "This just in -- Yasser Arafat is clinging to death... Arafat’s funeral went well. Only 30 people died. ... Mrs. Arafat is so distraught she could barely shop today." --David Letterman

    "Did you see Arafat's funeral? What a mob scene. I heard they had people flying in from as far as Guantanamo Bay to go to that thing." --Jay Leno

    "The temporary successor to Arafat, Mahmoud Abbas, escaped a shooting by militants as he was visiting Arafat’s grave. See, that’s why he’s called a 'temporary successor.'" --Jay Leno
    "President Bush said he will push to have a constitutional amendment stating that marriage is to be between a man and a woman. Bush said this is his mandate to prevent man dates." --Jay Leno

    "Tony Blair met with President Bush at the White House yesterday. Did you see their press conference? They’re kind of like the before-and-after commercial for Hooked on Phonics." --Jay Leno

    "Madonna has called for U.S. troops to pull out of Iraq. That shows you times have changed. Remember the old days when people used to call for U.S. troops to pull out of Madonna?" --Jay Leno

    "Hillary Clinton may run for president in 2008. Bill Clinton is so excited about this he’s already interviewing for White House interns." --David Letterman

    ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive

    Jokes for the Week of Nov. 7-13

    "Yasser Arafat is now dead. Damn, just when the peace process was going so well." --David Letterman

    "Yasser Arafat died last night. And this time it looks pretty permanent. How many times did he die this week? Like five? Six? He was turning into Kenny on 'South Park.'" --Jay Leno

    "Many world leaders called Mrs. Arafat to offer their condolences. For example, Vladimir Putin called, Tony Blair called ... and Bill O’Reilly called to see what she was wearing." --David Letterman

    "Arafat’s wife was seen grieving today in the West Bank. She was also in the Citibank, the Mellon Bank, the Wells Fargo Bank." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush said today that the United States would be more than willing to help the Palestinians establish their own state ... as long as it’s red. As long as it’s a red state." --Jay Leno

    "I tell you, first Ashcroft retires, now Arafat dies. This has not been a good week for religious radicals." --Jay Leno

    "Here’s some good news. It looks like we’re making quick progress over there in Iraq: Today in Fallujah, they banned gay marriage." --Jay Leno

    "Fallujah is 70 percent under control. To put that into perspective, L.A. is only 60 percent." --Jay Leno

    "Commerce Secretary Don Evans resigned. Actually he didn't want to but when your country has no commerce there isn't much to do." --Jay Leno

    "John Kerry is considering running again in 2008. Then again, he could change his mind." --Jay Leno

    "Madonna said today that we should pull all of our troops out of Iraq. Donald Rumsfeld said, 'No, I think we better wait and hear what Britney Spears has to say about it first.'" --Jay Leno

    "Saddam Hussein says that he doesn't want to be tried by the Iraqi people. He wants to be tried by the Scott Peterson jury." --Jay Leno

    "Yasser Arafat is not dead but he may not be well enough to attend his funeral." --David Letterman
    "According to Palestinian sources Yasser Arafat is dead but improving." --David Letterman

    "Attorney General John Ashcroft resigned today. In a note to President Bush, he declared victory over crime and terrorism, so that's good news. No more of that. He told the press he's retiring –- to spend more time wiretapping and interrogating his loved ones." --Jimmy Kimmel

    "Attorney General John Ashcroft has resigned. He didn't want to resign, but the Bush White House thought he was just too liberal." --Jay Leno

    "I guess he figured once New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey was gone, his job was done." --Jay Leno

    "The Governor of New Jersey gave his farewell address yesterday. McGreevey said yesterday he was not going to apologize for being a gay American. He would not apologize for being a gay American. Fair enough. How about just apologizing for being a corrupt American?" --Jay Leno

    "New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey has stepped down. He wants to spend more time embarrassing his family." --David Letterman

    "Do you remember that guy John Kerry? He was all over the TV like, a week ago, and then he disappeared. He re-emerged today saying he wants to stay involved in politics to counter President Bush, and he even said he’s 'Fired up.' Well, he’s right on one of those two words. You could tell he’s serious though because his facial expression almost changed." --Jimmy Kimmel

    "As I'm sure you've heard, 'Operation Phantom Fury' is now underway in Iraq. You know, where are we coming up with the names for these missions? 'Phantom Fury'? What is President Bush dipping into his comic book collection now? What’s next 'Operation Green Hornet'?" --Jay Leno

    "If you saw the footage of Fallujah. Bullets flying through the air. Smoke in the streets. People yelling in foreign languages. It's like L.A. only with much cheaper gas." --Jay Leno

    "The Pentagon said we are making good progress. And that very soon Fallujah will be a red state." --Jay Leno

    "Ralph Nader has requested a hand recount of all the ballots in New Hampshire. So let me get this straight, John Kerry doesn't demand a recount but Ralph Nader does. Of course the nice thing about a hand recount of all Nader's ballots, you can count them all on one hand." --Jay Leno

    "I'm sure you know, there’s talk of Hillary Clinton gearing up for 2008. Or as Bill calls her, 'The Polar Express." --Jay Leno

    "Calls are pouring in from leaders around the world to Mrs. Arafat. French President Jacques Chiraq said he hopes for the best. British Prime Minister Tony Blair sent his regards. And VP **** Cheney called to ask if Arafat had filled out a heart donor card?" --Jay Leno

    "McGreevey's three biggest accomplishments were on the environment, improving education, and replacing those hideous drapes in the governor's mansion." --David Letterman

    "Earlier tonight on CBS it was the 38th Annual Country Music Awards. It was another heartbreaking loss for John Kerry." --David Letterman

    "The Bush's have a new dog in the White House. The dog is named Miss Beasley. I was thinking the last president also had a dog that licked him under the desk." --David Letterman

    "Today President Bush thanked those that worked the hardest for his reelection: Ralph Nader and Osama bin Laden." –-Jay Leno

    "President Bush says he’s going to simplify the tax code. Only the states that are blue will have to pay." –-David Letterman

    "You know what’s interesting, at his press conference the other day, President Bush said that he felt that, 'the people have spoken.' And ironically, the people speak better than he does." --Jay Leno

    "The election is over. That was something crazy wasn’t it? Friends of John Kerry are worried because today he went on one last duck hunt in Ohio." –-David Letterman

    "Let me tell ya, you gotta feel bad for John Kerry. Just think he came this close to finally getting his own house." --Jay Leno

    "Are you all finally over the election? I tell you last week was a tough week especially if you are a gay, pro-choice stem cell." –Jay Leno

    "Here's a brief update on Yasser Arafat, doctors say he has died but is expected to make a full recovery." –-David Letterman

    "That's what they say, Arafat may be brain dead. That has to be demoralizing to his people, huh? You're leader is brain dead. Thank God that could never happen here." –Jay Leno

    "The Bush's now have a new puppy in the White House. It's expected to pass the Senate with rapid confirmation. The name of the puppy is Miss Beasley. Miss Beasley will replace Barney. Barney will now be going out into the private sector." –-David Letterman

    "They thought Miss Beasley had ruined a rug in the Oval Office. But it just turned out to be a stain left from the Clinton administration." –-David Letterman

    ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive

    Jokes for the Week of Oct. 31-Nov. 6

    "George Bush was elected president of the United States, and you know what they say, the first time is always the sweetest." --Bill Maher

    "Did you see how happy President Bush was yesterday when he found out he won? Man he couldn't decide whether he should give a victory speech or announce the invasion of Iran." --Jay Leno

    "In fact, the GOP did so well, the only Republican without a mandate: **** Cheney's daughter." --Jay Leno

    "Democrats and liberals, stop saying you're going to move because Bush won. Real liberals should be pledging to stay because Bush won. Trust me, you can't get away from Bush by moving to France because that's where we're invading next." --Bill Maher

    "The rumor is that Hillary Clinton is running for president in 2008. And here's why people think that: Today she was in Ohio duck hunting. She even bought a camouflage pantsuit." --David Letterman

    "There's already speculation that Hillary Clinton will be the nominee for the Democrats in 2008. Well, you have to admire the dedication of the Democratic party. They just lost an election, and they're already hard at work planning to lose the next one." --Bill Maher

    "President Bush received a very gracious concession call from John Kerry. And a very gracious collect call from Ralph Nader." --Jay Leno

    "Now that the election is over, **** Cheney's lesbian daughter has been released from Guantanamo." --David Letterman

    "President Bush was re-elected and today he hit the ground vacationing." --David Letterman

    "On election night Bush only got two hours sleep, but don't worry, he'll nap through intelligence briefings." --David Letterman

    "President Bush says that he now has a clear mandate. Coincidentally, a man date is also what Gov. Jim McGreevey is looking for." --David Letterman

    "Al Gore is very sorry he didn't run. He was watching Kerry Wednesday night, and he said, 'that could have been my concession speech.'" --David Letterman

    "John Kerry said yesterday, 'In an American election, there is no loser.' Uh, earth to John." --Jay Leno

    "I'll tell you, a lot of Democrats were really upset yesterday. I haven’t seen Michael Moore this angry since he tried to buy a single seat on Southwest Airlines." --Jay Leno

    "The Republican Party is now in charge of the presidency, the Senate, the House, and the Supreme Court. You know how they got there? They got there by saying the liberals control everything." --Jay Leno

    "They say that Attorney General John Ashcroft may be steeping down. Apparently he wants to spend more time spying on his family." --David Letterman

    "It looks like Attorney General John Ashcroft will likely resign. He says he wants to devote time to covering up naked statues in the private sector." --Jay Leno

    "There’s a rumor that Attorney General John Ashcroft will resign before the inauguration. The White House feels that since Bush is going to swear to defend the Constitution, they want to make sure it's still around." --Jay Leno

    "Ashcroft says he wants to take more time off to spend more time with the voices in his head." --Jay Leno

    "Down in Arkansas, workmen are putting the finishing touches on the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. Presidential Library? It's really just a Hooters with a magazine rack." --Jay Leno

    "Kentucky voters voted to ban gay marriage. Unless the two are siblings." --Jay Leno

    "As you know Osama bin Laden has released another video. He bragged that he will 'bankrupt the United States.' And today President Bush said, 'two can play that game, pal.'" --Jay Leno

    "Apparently the PLO is in anarchy because Yasser Arafat never named a successor, and the problem is there are very few people who have experience running a hated political organization, although Tom Daschle is available." --Bill Maher

    "All over the country, there were long lines, and I thought of this -- next time, instead of waiting, I’m gonna find a guy who's voting the opposite of me, and we'll just both go home. Even Steven. Just cancel each other out and head to lunch." --Jimmy Kimmel

    "A quick reminder to people in Ohio, the crooked voting machines are due back to Florida by Friday." --David Letterman

    "Democrats swore this election would not be decided by the Supreme Court. Thanks to their clever strategy of incoherent campaign themes, an uncomfortable Vietnam fetish, and an undying belief in the get-out-the-vote power of Ashton Kutcher and Bon Jovi, it won't be. Yeah, suck on that, Scalia!" --"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry

    "If you want to have gay sex or visit a library, it's probably your last night to do those things … Personally I'll be killing two birds with one stone." --"Daily Show" correspondent Ed Helms, on the Bush mandate

    "The president is focusing on his agenda for the next three years. One: finishing the war in Iraq. Two: starting the war in three other places." --Ed Helms

    "Conservatives are very happy about the Bush victory. When Bill O'Reilly heard about it, he said, I haven't been as excited as this since, well, you know." --Conan O'Brien

    "You have to feel bad for John Kerry because now he he'll have to go back to his life of being a senator, windsurfing and being a billionaire." --David Letterman

    "I'm no pundit but do you remember a few weeks when Kerry was in Ohio and went duck hunting? I think that probably hurt Kerry because Bush easily carried the duck vote." --David Letterman

    "Kerry did say he was sorry he lost the election because he was looking forward to spending less time with his wife." --David Letterman

    "It looks like people are giving Bush and Cheney four more years. The bad news, Cheney's doctors are only giving him two more years." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush was really sweating this, because he knew if Kerry won, he's probably make Bush go to Iraq and finish his National Guard service." --Jay Leno

    "**** Cheney was thrilled. Today he was wearing his happy sneer. **** Cheney was so excited he's now appearing with his lesbian daughter." --David Letterman

    "Well, I guess we've got four more years to capture bin Laden. No hurry now." --Jay Leno

    "In his concession speech, John Kerry said he is so grateful he wishes he could hug everyone of his supporters. After hearing this, Ralph Nader said, actually I was able to hug all of my supporters." --Conan O'Brien

    "In NBC's brilliant election coverage, a giant map of the United States was on the ice rink in Rockefeller Plaza. The states were painted red when President Bush won a state, blue when Kerry won a state, and yellow when Tim Russert had to relieve himself." --Conan O'Brien

    "No word yet on what Daschle will do in private life, but insiders agree, whatever it is, it's safe to assume he'll be ineffective." --Jon Stewart

    "It all came down to one state. Political experts say that this year's Florida is Ohio. As a result, this year's spring break is expected to suck." --Conan O'Brien

    "Yesterday, Marion Berry was elected overwhelmingly as a city councilman in Washington, D.C. After hearing this, Berry said, wait a minute, wasn't I the same guy that was caught smoking crack?" --Conan O'Brien

    "It is right now 10:04 on the East Coast. We are here at Prelude to a Recount. We are seeing record turnout across the nation on this election day, certainly a momentous occasion. The closest election that we have seen in ... about 4 years quite frankly. It's pretty much the same thing as last time. ... Except this time the world is watching, and, quite frankly, in Iraq tonight they're going, you invaded us to bring us this?" --Jon Stewart

    "The polls now show the two candidates in a dead heat. In case of a tie, the presidency, of course, goes to the guy whose brother is the governor of Florida." --David Letterman

    "I think tomorrow's election is going to be very exciting. Here what's going on at the White House? Every time a state is called for Bush the twins will do a shot" --David Letterman

    "As cities burn around the country, people furious that the Electoral College has once again – I'm sorry, I'm reading Wednesday's headlines." –Jon Stewart

    "President Bush told an Ohio reporter that he is unfazed that Osama Bin Laden has not been caught. He said it's only a matter of time till Osama Bin Laden is caught. Well it better be in the next hour or he is gonna be screwed." --Jay Leno

    "The Red Sox have broken their curse after 86 years. That means the only one now not wining after 86 years is Ralph Nader." --Jay Leno

    ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive

    Jokes for the Week of Oct. 24-30

    "Osama bin Laden put out a new video. The timing of this video has some people upset, three days before we vote. It looks like he's trying to influence the election. And I'll tell you, it's not going to work. Americans know Osama bin Laden does not pick our president. The Supreme Court does." --Bill Maher

    "Some of it is really kind of chilling. On the tape, bin Laden says that neither Kerry nor Bush can keep us safe. Boy, just what we need, another undecided voter." --Bill Maher

    "He really goes after the Bush crowd personally. He ridicules Bush for reading 'My Pet Goat' during the attack, he compares the Bush family dynasty to nepotistic Arab dictators, and then to really twist the knife he just drops in out of nowhere that **** Cheney's daughter is a lesbo." --Bill Maher

    "On the eve of Tuesday's election, a new videotape of Osama bin Laden was aired on Al Jazeera. Bin Laden addresses the American people directly in a way that can only be described as more optimistic than **** Cheney." -–Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

    "According to a new Democratic poll released today, 50 percent of Vice President Cheney's daughters are still gay." -–Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

    "This has been a rough week for President Bush. First those explosives went missing in Iraq. And then bin Laden resurfaces, and now Bush can't get the radio in his back to stop playing Ashlee Simpson." --Bill Maher

    "Everybody wants to know where those missing explosive are. President Bush says John Kerry is denigrating the troops by asking where the explosives are. I don't want to say Bush is slimy, but after he talks to Bill O'Reilly, O'Reilly takes a shower and just showers." --Bill Maher

    "Our Election 2004 Fiasco Preview begins where the fiasco began last time: Florida. While The Sunshine State's 2000 debacle gave all of America 36 days of breezy, lighthearted fun, there were negative aspects as well, and the state has been warned by God four times this hurricane season alone to never let it happen again." --Jon Stewart

    "Apparently the U.S. never had possession of these dangerous munitions, and didn't even find out they were gone until a couple of weeks ago. So to the Bush critics who call this incompetence, the White House responds: 'Joke's on you, it's actually ignorance.'" --"Daily Show" correspondent Stephen Colbert

    "Might I point out, this is the same Senator Kerry who voted against the president's tax cuts. Now he wants to tell you he's for explosives not being stolen from weapons depots. Which is it, Senator, you can't have it both ways?" --"Daily Show" correspondent Stephen Colbert

    "If Bush loses, do you think he'll leave? Or do you think he'll just say, 'I don't read the papers'?" --Jon Stewart

    ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive

    Jokes for the Week of Oct. 17-23

    "Have you seen the new Bush ad? It's wolves in a forest. I guess those are the terrorists. Karl Rove said the point of the ad is to make you s**t your pants, but in an optimistic way." --Bill Maher

    "John Kerry is out on the trail with Christopher Reeve's wife, Dana, who said that if her husband had been president on 9/11 and had been told the country was under attack, even he would have gotten up." --Bill Maher

    "This week, Kerry went goose hunting. He wants to prove that he still has it in him to kill things. Kerry said he doesn't have a problem with hunting -- the hard part is bringing the subject around to **** Cheney's gay kids." --Bill Maher

    "First Lady Laura Bush said Tuesday that if her husband is elected to a second term she would like to help juvenile delinquents with substance abuses problems. When asked how she would do that she replied, 'Just as I always have. By marrying them and bearing their children.'" --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

    "Election offices opened across Florida last Monday to give black voters the option of being turned away early." --Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

    "They've already started voting down in Florida. The election is three weeks away, and this gives them an extra two weeks to rig the results. ... They started counting the ballots, I thought this was bizarre, Bush has a slight lead over Gore. And now this brings us back to square one." --David Letterman

    "The woman suing Bill O'Reilly for unwanted phone sex is allegedly asking for $60 million in damages. That sounds like a lot, until you figure it works out to about $2.99 a minute." --Tina Fey

    "You know what the Red Sox proved. They proved that the team with the most money doesn't alway win, which is bad news for the Republicans." --Jay Leno

    "Look at Massachusetts: they got the Red Sox winning the pennant, the Patriots winning the Super bowl, they got John Kerry. Okay -- two out of three." --Jay Leno

    "Earlier today, John Kerry went hunting for geese in Ohio, but President Bush says Kerry only did it for the photo op. The weird part is that Bush said this while wearing a flight suit and standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier." --Conan O'Brien

    "John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts." --David Letterman

    "John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn't bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg." --Jay Leno

    "Kerry is trying to appeal to hunters, so he got drunk and shot his buddy in the ***." --David Letterman

    "Neither Bush or Kerry have gotten a flu shot and both said today they won't get one. Ralph Nader also said he wasn't getting a flu shot. Though in his case he doesn't need one because he doesn't come in contact with any large crowds." --Jay Leno

    "Ralph Nader's latest complaint - he says he's being held back by special interest groups working against him. I think they're called the American people." --Jay Leno

    "It's getting ugly and uglier out there -- Teresa Heinz Kerry said she doesn't know if Laura Bush has ever held a real job. Laura Bush fired back. She said she was busy raising three kids -- Barbara, Jenna, and George W. That is a full-time job." --Jay Leno

    "The Democrats really are missing the boat. Kerry keeps talking about Bush's record on the war and the economy and stem cells and flu shots, but he never brings up the fact that, in high school, President Bush was a cheerleader. The President wore a sweater with a big letter 'A' on it and jumped around kicking his feet up over his head while the guys who went to the school played football. If I'm John Kerry -- and Bush starts talking about how tough he is on terrorism -- I just say, 'How? Weren't you a cheerleader? You gonna strangle 'em with your skirt? What terrorist are you gonna capture, Paula Abdul?" --Jimmy Kimmel

    "The Kerry campaign announced today they will have ten thousand lawyers at the polls in battleground states. Ten thousand lawyers. Well, let's hope you don't slip and fall on the sidewalk outside a polling place. You could be buried alive in business cards." --Jay Leno

    "In Florida, voting in the Presidential election started two weeks early. Senior citizens are already reporting problems with the voting machines. Apparently the seniors are confused because when they pull the lever, no quarters come out." --Conan O'Brien

    "In an interview in USA Today, Teresa Heinz Kerry said she didn't think Laura Bush, who was a public school librarian for nine years, had ever held a 'real job.' Let me tell you something, if you're a librarian married to George W. Bush, there is no harder job on earth." --Jay Leno

    "On the campaign trail, the president continued what has been a theme throughout the year: John Kerry is a flip-flopper. Oh, and also consistently liberal." --Jon Stewart

    "Yesterday, one of Iran's top leaders announced he wanted President Bush to win re-election. When he heard about this, Bush said, you know, for an evil-doer, he's not such a bad guy." --Conan O'Brien

    "Sparks were flying again today. Al Gore accused President Bush of using religion to support his presidency. And George Bush fired back that 'Al Gore's just mad because God made me president.'" --Jay Leno

    "Al Gore also said in a speech yesterday … that 'President Bush governs from a 'love of power.' You know as opposed to Gore's old boss who governed from the power of love." --Jay Leno

    "The campaign is getting heated up. It's really going crazy and as a matter of fact John Kerry shook up the whole campaign today. He introduced his own lesbian daughter." --David Letterman

    "The Cheneys announced that for the final two weeks of the campaign, their daughter will be straight." --Jay Leno

    "If Bush has a second term, **** Cheney could be a candidate in 2008. A lot of people forgot about that. But Cheney says he has no intention of running for president for three reasons. One: He'll be too old. Two: He's had health problems. And three: He's already been president." --Jay Leno

    "I think we're all going to be taking a ride on the U.S.S. Soul Crush. Kerry will accuse Bush of secretly planning a backdoor draft of flu-stricken seniors. While Bush will respond that Kerry, if elected, will detonate a bomb in an American city that turns everybody gay." --"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry

    There's a flu shot shortage - and all of a sudden people are very anxious to get one. I don't get it -- not too many people I know ever got flu shots, but now that there's a shortage everybody wants one. It's like the Cabbage Patch Kids in the 80s." --Jimmy Kimmel

    "Early voting began in Florida this week and guess what? There are already problems! After waiting two to three hours many Florida voters are shocked to get to the front of the line and find out 'What? No flu shot?'" --Jay Leno

    "You know why Florida has started voting this week? See, primitive places like Florida and Afghanistan need longer to count the votes." --Jay Leno

    "Here's some good news. Federal officials say they found another 2.6 million doses of flu vaccine, which they will be able to distribute in January. That is, if Bush wins. If he doesn't, they might accidentally lose it." --Jay Leno

    "They're doing the early voting in Florida and there are already irregularities in the early Florida voting. You know it's sad when the voting goes smoother in Afghanistan than it does in Florida." --David Letterman

    "But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'" --David Letterman

    "Over the weekend, President Bush told a crowd of supporters in Florida that he is the best protection from the draft. That's not true. Bush's dad was the protection from the draft." --Jay Leno

    "John Kerry is being accused of using bad grammar to appeal to uneducated voters because yesterday he stopped in a store and asked, 'Can I get me a hunting license here?' After hearing about it President Bush said, 'It should be 'Can me get me a hunting license here?'" --Conan O'Brien

    "California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that after he gave a speech at the Republican Convention, his wife, Maria Shriver, was so mad, she wouldn't have sex with him for 14 days. Schwarzenegger said things got so bad he had to call up Bill O'Reilly." --Conan O'Brien

    "Ralph Nader said he has no intention of leaving the presidential race. It's not so much he wants to stay in the race. It's just that he has nowhere else to go." --Jay Leno

    "John Kerry said today that Bush was planning a 'January surprise' if he's re-elected. Hey, if we know who's going to be president by January that will be a surprise, don't you think?" --Jay Leno

    "Although people seem to agree that he did not do very well in the three debates ,George W. Bush nonetheless is very confident of being re-elected. In fact he's so confident he brought back the bulge." --David Letterman

    "A man was arrested in Ohio after being paid in crack to register voters. They were paying people in crack to register voters. You know it's scary enough that the election is going to be decided by the undecided. But to be decided by undecided crack heads. That's really bad." --Jay Leno

    "I always love when politicians try to be all things to all people. This week, John Kerry bought a hunting license in Ohio to appeal to gun owners and hunters. Then he went to a Catholic Mass to appeal to Catholics. He also campaigned in Appalachia. He told the crowd that his wife Teresa was his first cousin." --Jay Leno

    "It's the last minute of the campaign and both candidates are using fear tactics. And honest to God, my fear is that one of them will actually get elected." --David Letterman

    "Today they began early voting in Florida and once again Al Gore lost." --Jay Leno

    "On a Bush/Cheney billboard in New Jersey, **** Cheney's name is spelled wrong -- an 'A' instead of an 'E'. So, apparently Bush really is in charge of his own campaign." --Jay Leno

    "John Kerry is now blaming President Bush for what is happening with the flu. Well, Bush shot right back and said, Well. It's pronounced 'Fallujah.'" --Jay Leno

    "Kind of a scary thing on the campaign trail on Friday in Cleveland. John Edwards' plane, the take off was aborted because of an indicator light. Apparently there wasn't enough electricity for both the indicator light and John Edward's hair dryer." --Jay Leno

    "As you know, Bill O'Reilly is being accused of sexual harassment from a female producer on his show. She claims they had phone sex and he claims, no he is just a victim of vast right hand conspiracy." --Jay Leno

    "I'll give you an idea of how cold it is here in New York City. The Bush twins switched from Margaritas to Irish Coffee." --David Letterman

    ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive

    Jokes for the Week of Oct. 10-16

    "We finally have a scandal in this election: Lesbogate. Bob Schieffer asked a question about is homosexuality a choice, and Kerry mention Cheney's daughter. The Cheneys are now furious at him. They say they are very proud of her daughter. They are so proud, she should never, ever be mentioned in public." –Bill Maher

    "**** Cheney wouldn't even confirm that she's gay. She just says that she touches her roommate in an undisclosed location." –Bill Maher

    "**** Cheney feels responsible for his daughter being a lesbian because growing up, she heard him say 'go f--k yourself' so many times, she finally tried it." –Bill Maher

    "John Kerry is facing a strong criticism because during the debate the other night he referred to **** Cheney's lesbian daughter. Yeah today because of the controversy he cancelled his speech today titled, 'Boy can those Bush twins drink.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "I would say Bush is relieved the debates are over. He's so relieved that today the radio on his back was playing soft rock" --Bill Maher

    "We still don't know what the deal is what that thing in Bush's back, but I tell you, if God has a sense of humor, it is something that can only be cured with stem cell research." –Bill Maher, on the bulge in Bush's back during the first presidential debate

    "First Mike Wallace had the run in with the limo driver -- remember they threw Mike Wallace in jail. Then Dan Rather gets caught with a fake memo, now Bill O'Reilly being sued for sexual harassment. Do you know the most trusted news man in America is now Geraldo Rivera?" --Jay Leno

    "When it comes to accusations, we don't know who's telling the truth, so I'm not going to get on the Bill O'Reilly bandwagon. But one of his producers is suing him for unwanted phone sex with her while he was using a vibrator on himself. To me, that doesn't sound like Bill O'Reilly, because usually he's pulling stuff out of his ***." --Bill Maher

    "John Kerry met with the AARP. They were having their convention. He gave a speech, then Kerry introduced his retirement plan -- his wife, Teresa." --Jay Leno

    "It's exciting now, we are coming down to the elections and they're just around the corner and all that's really left is the tinkering with the voting machines in Florida." --David Letterman

    "There's a new three strikes and you're out policy. But enough about President Bush in the debates. Let's move on." --Jay Leno

    "In the debate, stern-faced John Kerry looked like he was at a funeral while smiling President Bush just looked giddy. It was like a before-and-after ad for Prozac." --Jay Leno

    "I think, even if you're not a fan you must admit, President Bush did a little better in the third debate. Like last night he spoke from the heart. See the last two debates he's tried speaking from the brain. And you see how that works." --Jay Leno

    "I thought it was a pretty good debate. Both candidates got to dodge a range of issues." --David Letterman

    "At one point I was concerned about Bush ... Did he seem a little confused to you? Because at one point, he called out, 'State capitals for $200, Alex!'" --David Letterman

    "After the debate, **** Cheney's wife, Lynne, was upset that John Kerry brought up their lesbian daughter. She said, 'The only thing that upsets me more is the fact that I brought up a lesbian daughter.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "The candidates were asked if they thought homosexuality was a choice. John Kerry said it isn't. Good thing he doesn't think it's a choice. Otherwise, he'd still be trying to make up his mind." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush's approval rating has now dropped down to 47 percent. You know that lump on his back? Well, it's moved to his throat." --Jay Leno

    "A female producer at Fox News has filed a sexual harassment against Bill O'Reilly. He reportedly talked to her about phone sex, threesomes and masturbation. Of coarse, the people at Fox News were shocked. They had no idea O'Reilly was a Democrat. Oh, it gets worse, after she hung up on him, Bill tried to *69 her." --Jay Leno

    "I thought George Bush looked great. He was wearing his three-piece bulge. ... They have a picture of George Bush from the first debate and on his back there's a big, lumpy bulge. People were saying that's a radio receiver and someone is feeding him answers to questions. It turned out tonight, the first thing George W. did was show everyone that the bump in his jacket was just his flask." --David Letterman

    "I watched the debate, and I'll tell you George Bush did look confused. At one point he tried to buy a vowel." --David Letterman

    "The third presidential debate asked the most important question of all – which of these guys do I hate the least?" --Jay Leno

    "Interesting fun fact, Bob Schieffer, the moderator of tonight's presidential debate, says that for the past couple of weeks people have been coming up to him in airports and suggesting questions. Which explains why Schieffer's first question tonight was, Would you like to become a hari krishna?" --Conan O'Brien

    "Bad news for Ralph Nader. Today the state of Ohio rejected Ralph Nader's attempt to get on the ballot. Experts say this will hurt Nader's chances of losing all 50 states." --Conan O'Brien

    "The latest polls say Bush and Kerry are in a dead heat. Reuters' three-day tracking poll says it’s tied at 45 percent; the CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll has it 49 percent Kerry and 48 percent Bush. In an election this close, it's gonna come down to who wants it more and which candidate's brother is governor of Florida." -- Jimmy Kimmel

    "Boy it's getting nasty. I don't know if you've seen these latest ads, Democrats are calling Bush a child of privilege, and labeling him the 'fortunate son' because his dad was rich. Not to be confused with Kerry, the fortunate husband." --Jay Leno

    "President Clinton plans to tape a phone message that will be sent to voters' homes urging people to vote Democrat. Apparently you'll know it's Clinton's message because it starts with, What are you wearing?" --Conan O'Brien

    "Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced that to avoid any election return problems in Florida this year, this time he is going to announce the results before people go into vote." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush and Vice President Cheney have officially conceded that Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction. And today the soldiers in Iraq said, uh, can we come home now?" --Jay Leno

    "A female producer at Fox News has filed a sexual harassment suit against Bill O-O-O'Reilly. She claims he repeatedly talked to her about phone sex, threesomes and masturbation. The last straw was when he asked her if her breasts were fair and balanced" --Jay Leno

    "According to recent study I read, the French have sex 137 times a year. And that doesn't include screwing the United States." --David Letterman

    "There are photographs of President Bush from the first debate and he's got some kinda lump in the back of his coat, and the rumors are flying that he had a special radio receiver and he was getting answers from someone off stage. Wow, it's like he's back at Yale." —David Letterman

    "I tell you President Bush been practicing hard for this (debate). All day long he's been walking around saying, 'Internet, internet, internet.'" --Jay Leno

    "There are going to be three debates. We've had two already and the final debate is going to be tomorrow night. You remember the first debate it was behind podiums, the second debate was the town hall format, and tomorrow's debate will be Karaoke format." --David Letterman

    "So now everyone's going crazy about the bulge in his jacket. Something like this hasn't happened in a debate since 1996. Remember that when Clinton had the intern under his podium?" --David Letterman

    "There's a lot of talk in political circles about an amendment to the U.S. constitution so people born in other countries can run for president. Apparently this is part of Bush's plan to outsource the presidency." --Jay Leno

    "There is a rumor going around that during the first debate, President Bush had some kind of listening device that was feeding him answers to the questions for the debate. They actually had a photo of him and there was a bulge in his jacket. Well, it's still an improvement over the last guy who had a bulge in his pants." --David letterman

    "The first debate they were all at the podiums. In the second debate, at the request of President Bush, it was in the town hall format. Also, at the request of President Bush, the next one will be in the happy hour format." --David Letterman

    "The third debate is Wednesday night. This is going to be an exciting one, because the jackpot is up to $250,000." --David Letterman

    "On Saturday, there were free elections in Afghanistan. That's pretty good. But already there are charges of fraud in Broward and Dade County." --David Letterman

    "President Bush and Vice President **** Cheney have now come forward and officially conceded that Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction. In fact, feeling the tremendous relief that came from admitting this, they also said there's no Santa Claus, O.J. did it, and Al Gore had really been president for the last four years." --Jay Leno

    "Ralph Nader has criticized both Bush and Kerry for belonging to a secret organization when they went to Yale. Is Nader one really to criticize? You know, he belongs to a secret organization. It's called Nader for President." --Jay Leno

    "I guess you heard about the big presidential election chaos over there in Afghanistan. Given how badly they screwed up over there, Bush declared Mission Accomplished." --Jay Leno

    ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive

    Jokes for the Week of Oct. 3-9

    "During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he's made. And Bush responded, this debate, the last debate and the next debate." --Bill Maher

    "This was the town hall debate, and Bush says he likes the personal feel of a town hall. There's something about getting out there and lying directly to people's faces." --Bill Maher

    "There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a question and out of habit, Bush said 'Clemency denied.'" --Bill Maher

    "I don't know what's worse -- watching Bush try not to scowl, or watching him scowl for 90 minutes." --Bill Maher

    "Tonight was the 2nd presidential debate, which was in a town hall format. That's where everyday Americans and not just journalists get a chance to have their questions avoided." --Jay Leno

    "Tonight's debate was what they called the town hall debate. Both candidates were seated on stools. It was funny, from force of habit, Bush said 'Scotch and water, hold the ice.'" --David Letterman

    "Tonight's topic was domestic policy. And George Bush was very proud about this one particular accomplishment. He took credit for toppling Jay Leno." --David Letterman

    "The second presidential debate was tonight. It was a town hall meeting. Sure you all watched that. Last time John Kerry did a town hall meeting, true story, a woman in the audience told him he was 'hot.' Yeah, then she told Kerry she needs healthcare so she can afford a pair of glasses." --Conan O'Brien

    "Interesting tidbit for you, over half of the adults in the United States say they get their news about the presidential election from the Internet. Not surprisingly, the most popular website is Swift Boat Veterans for Paris Hilton." --Conan O'Brien

    "If you watched the debates the other night, you know Cheney claimed that was the first he'd ever met Edwards which turns out was not true. They'd actually met on three other occasions, once at a prayer breakfast, once on 'Meet the Press,' and one crazy night at a motel in Encino." --Jay Leno

    "This is what his handlers have advised him to do after the first debate last week: George W. Bush's challenge now will be to stretch four and a half minutes of meaningless platitudes into an hour and a half. That's his challenge." --David Letterman

    "(Friday's) debate in St. Louis will be before an audience made up entirely of undecided voters. That creates a huge dilemma for Kerry. Does he stand on stage beside Bush or sit in the audience with all the other people who can't make up their minds?" --Jay Leno

    "Here's something interesting, a group of porn stars has made a DVD called 'Porn Stars for Kerry' and they've made a porno movie to raise money for him. Lets just hope this one doesn't feature Michael Moore." --Jay Leno

    "You know what's happening in Afghanistan? It's their first free election. Now this is a big thing. However they are expecting voter fraud. They're expecting disruption at the polls and intimidation of voters. So I guess the American style of democracy is really catching on over there." --David Letterman

    "Edwards and Cheney sitting there together at the desk, they looked like the dinner theater production of 'Tuesdays with Morrie.'" --David Letterman

    "During the debate, John Edwards accused **** Cheney of 'not being straight with the American people.' Apparently Cheney misunderstood because he started yelling, 'Who you calling gay?' And then they kissed for half an hour." --Conan O'Brien

    "There were four reporters in the audience for every person. Not only that but there were also four paramedics for every **** Cheney." --Conan O'Brien

    "The evening ended badly for Edwards. Right afterwards, he was roughed up in the parking lot by Cheney's lesbian daughter." --David Letterman

    "Last night they held the vice presidential debate between **** Cheney and John Edwards – the CEO versus the trial lawyer. Or, as I like to call it, 'Shark Tale.'" --Jay Leno

    "Did you see Cheney next to Edwards? Didn't it look like the before and after pictures on 'Extreme Makeover'?" --Jay Leno

    "New Rule: Florida has to sit this election out. You know, you'd think after the year 2000, they would have made sure to get it right this time. But, no, even Jimmy Carter – a man who has seen more Third World hellholes than a lesbian couple trying to adopt – even he says Florida is not ready for an election. So, sorry, Florida, you're going to have to take that Tuesday off and just treat yourself to an extra hurricane. " --Bill Maher

    "The most amazing part of the debate was when **** Cheney told John Edwards in his Darth Vader voice, 'John I am your father.'" --Jay Leno

    "Good news for John Edwards. If he doesn't win in November, he now has a firm offer to be the new host of the 'Family Feud.'" --David Letterman

    "Here's my question, if Cheney is debating tonight who's running the country?" --Jay Leno

    "**** Cheney did well -- he only flat-lined twice." --David Letterman

    "There was one awkward moment ... when moderator Gwen Ifill ... was hit on by **** Cheney's daughter." --David Letterman

    "Political experts say that **** Cheney was at a disadvantage because Cheney is short, fat and unhealthy looking. Yeah the debate's moderator made it worse when she introduced Cheney as the white Reuben Studdard." --Conan O'Brien

    "Speaking of Cheney in a recent interview, an author who's writing a book about Cheney says that **** Cheney is misunderstood and is not a monster. Then the author admitted, Cheney told me if I didn't say that, he would eat my children." --Conan O'Brien

    "Political experts say President Bush was off his game. He looked distracted, confused, a little at a loss for words. Off his game? That is Bush's game." --Jay Leno, on the debate

    "Last week, Senator Kerry was eight points behind President Bush, today he is three points ahead. Is this the kind of indecision we want in a president?" --Announcer in a mock Bush-Cheney ad, "Late Show With David Letterman"

    "Some good news from watching the debates -- the terror alert on John Kerry's face has been lowered from orange back down to pasty white." --Jay Leno

    "Kerry is so confident that he is windsurfing again." --David Letterman

    "People are saying that George Bush didn't do well. In fact, Kerry even picked up the support of one of the Bush twins." --David Letterman

    "Experts are saying if this had been a game show, Bush would've gone home with a handshake and a quart of motor oil." --David Letterman

    "I saw it on the cover of Newsweek, and ABC, CNN, they all said that John Kerry won the debate the other night. I just hope this doesn't give him a swelled head." --Jay Leno

    "Pundits also said that Bush seemed unprepared and looked tired. They said what Bush needs to do is two things: study videos of John Kerry speaking and get some sleep. And the nice thing is he can do both of those at the same time." --Jay Leno

    "Tomorrow night is the vice president debate between **** Cheney and John Edwards; the heart throb versus the throbbing heart." --Jay Leno

    "I guess this debate will be different, the vice presidential debate. Both candidates will be seated at the table. John Edwards wanted a conference table and **** Cheney of course wanted an operating table." --Jay Leno

    "Right now, **** Cheney is practicing his 'warm sneer.'" --David Letterman

    "National polls now put the candidates neck and neck, all but erasing the bounce the president received following his boisterous reception at the Republican convention. Which may be why for tomorrow's vice presidential debate, the GOP is insisting both candidates wear elephant hats and the event be moderated by the Gatlin Brothers. Oh, and every time Cheney scores a point? Balloons!"

    "A Fox reporter who covered the Kerry campaign -- a guy named Carl Cameron -- he's in a lot of trouble for posting fake quotes about John Kerry. He said it was a joke. You know, kinda like 'fair and balanced.' That's how the networks work -- CBS makes up stuff about Bush, Fox makes up stuff about Kerry -- fair and balanced." --Jay Leno

    ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive

    Jokes for the Week of Sept. 26-Oct. 2

    "62 million people tuned into the debate this week. That's almost one viewer for every time President Bush said mixed message." --Bill Maher

    "I don't want to say who won this debate, but today the FCC is furious and is fining the networks for showing the emperor with no clothes." --Bill Maher

    "Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said that sex orgies relieve tension and should be encouraged. Apparently, Justice Scalia got into group sex in 2000, after he and a group of four other justices got together and f----d Al Gore." --Bill Maher

    "Last night's debate was about foreign policy. And if you saw it, you know Bush spent the entire time bragging about the capture of Cat Stevens." --David Letterman

    "That's it for George W. Bush. He will not have to participate in the next debate. Yeah, his dad got him out of it." --David Letterman

    "President Bush and Senator John Kerry's first debate was held last Thursday. While neither candidate delivered a knock-out punch, polls indicate John Kerry was the winner. Though Bush later complained it was because he couldn't get his buzzer to work." --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

    "The only reason many believe Kerry won the debate, is because about two-thirds of the way in, Bush got sleepy and stopped using words." --Tina Fey

    "Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that he's a flip-flopper. Kerry said, 'I have one position on Iraq: I'm forgainst it." --Amy Pohler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

    "I don't want to say Bush blew it, but this morning, hurricane victims were comforting him." --Bill Maher

    "There were some verbal gaffes. Bush said he had met with a war widow, and quote, 'tried to love her as best I could.' Which isn't easy when there's a guy at the foot of the bed playing 'Taps.'" --Bill Maher

    "Did you know that George Bush actually used a short lectern during the debate to make him look taller? Coincidentally, in his debate, to make him look taller, Clinton used a short intern." --David Letterman

    "Last night was the first presidential debate and it lasted a full 90 minutes. Or, as President Bush calls it, three Sponge Bobs." --Conan O'Brien

    "The first question went to John Kerry because he won the coin toss. Well, of course he did. His wife owns all the coins." --Jay Leno

    "Bush didn't have a good night. I don't think he's choked that much since the last time he had a pretzel." --Jay Leno

    "The Democrats think Kerry won and the Republicans all think Bush won. Well, the swing voters, they were all watching porno." --Jay Leno

    "During the debate there were several tense moments when President Bush and Kerry got into it with each other. Not only that, Ralph Nader got into a heated discussion with the guy at the McDonald's drive-through." --Conan O'Brien

    "Bush and Kerry debated foreign policy in Miami. Is Miami having a bad year or what? Haven't these people suffered enough?" --David Letterman

    "George Bush and Laura appeared on the 'Dr. Phil' show this week. Among the questions, Dr. Phil asked him what he thought about the epidemic of oral sex in high schools. I don't know if he understood what he was talking about, because right afterwards, Bush cancelled all funding for Head Start." --Bill Maher

    "The security at the debate, you can understand this, was very tight. They even searched the bags under Jim Lehrer's eyes." --David Letterman

    "Bush wants to show that John Kerry is confused. You know you're in trouble when you're running against George Bush and you're the one who looks confused." --David Letterman

    "A rule that Bush and Kerry wanted is that you can't move from your position behind the podium, they can't move. Which made it tough on Kerry, you know, not being allowed to change positions." --Jay Leno

    "A lot of people underestimate President Bush when it comes to a debate. He's pretty good at it. You know back in college he was able to argue both sides of that 'Taste great, less filling' debate." --Jay Leno

    "Kerry's people have been advising him to keep it simple. They say Kerry always gets the biggest pay off when he uses the shortest sentences. Like when he said 'I do.'" --Jay Leno

    "There were an awful lot of rules for the debate. For instance, a light would flash when your two minutes are up. ... President Clinton did the same thing for interns." --David Letterman

    "President Bush's hometown newspaper in Crawford, Texas, has endorsed John Kerry. Well President Bush doesn't know about it, cause it was in his newspaper." --Jay Leno

    "Al Gore had a column in the paper yesterday, called 'How to debate George Bush.' I tell you it was right next to Dan Rather's column, 'How to spot forged documents.'" --Jay Leno

    "Of course you know, President Bush has been taking a couple days off this week to prepare for the debates. In fact, he's having a microchip implanted in his ear. This will allow **** Cheney to speak to him directly. 'It's pronounced 'Fallujah' 'Abu Ghraib.'" --Jay Leno

    "The debate deal for three debates almost fell apart because John Kerry did not want a light to flash when his time was almost up. And George Bush didn't want a light to flash because he's easily distracted." --Jay Leno

    "All the experts have been on TV saying the one thing that each candidate must do to win. Like Kerry can't look like a know-it-all. And Bush can't be too simplistic. So basically the entire presidential race comes down to this, the smart guy has to look a little dumber, and the dumb guy has to look a little smarter. To win, each guy has to pretend to be more like the other guy." --Jay Leno

    "Each candidate has agreed to 32 pages of rules. I'm telling you, it's like being a J. Lo husband." --David Letterman

    "They say this debate is already helping the economy. In fact, millions of people are buying large-screen TV sets so they can see Kerry's entire head." --Jay Leno

    "This just in -- CBS says it can no longer vouch for the authenticity of John Kerry's tan." --David Letterman

    "The first presidential debate is Thursday in Florida. I think it's Bush's way of saying thank-you for that last crooked election." --David Letterman

    "Before the debate, Bush is concerned about the lectern, he's worried about the room temperature and the lighting. Kerry is making the mistake of worrying about the issues." --David Letterman

    "Are you all ready for the presidential debate this Thursday? It's kind of like "The Apprentice" except WE get to fire somebody." --Jay Leno

    "Everyone is talking about the ground rules. Kerry wants his podium to be tall enough so he can rest his hands. And President Bush wants it to be wide enough to hide **** Cheney." --Conan O'Brien

    "Debates experts say President Bush could win if he doesn't get off message. But John Kerry could win if he gets a message." --Jay Leno

    "I tell you, Bush is working very hard getting prepared for these debates. He got one of those 'Hooked on Phonics' tapes." --Jay Leno

    "Problems at Kerry debate prep: They keep trying to tell him he doesn't talk like a regular average Joe and he said, 'Au contraire!"' --Jay Leno

    "Ralph Nader couldn't get into the debates in Florida. But here's the good news: Nader will be making a special appearance on 'CSI: Miami' as a guest cadaver" --David Letterman

    "During a speech this week John Kerry said if President Bush is re-elected he might bring back a military draft. When asked, Bush said, 'Trust me, even if I bring back the draft there are plenty of ways to get around it.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "Well, the terror level on John Kerry's face has been raised to orange. First, he gets the Botox. Now, he's got the rich tan. Apparently the senator's confused. The Miss America pageant was last week. This is the presidential debates. In fact, it was reported Kerry got a bikini wax." --Jay Leno

    "A New York company has made a video game that re-enacts John Kerry's war career. Players pretend they're Kerry on a swift boat in Vietnam. Wasn't there already some game based on John Kerry's life? Oh, yeah, 'Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?"' --Jay Leno

    "Both candidates now are trying to lower expectations for how they'll do on the debates. For example, Kerry tried to lower expectations for himself by saying Bush has never lost a debate and that he is a formidable opponent. Then Bush lowered expectations for himself when he said, 'Hey, what does "formable" mean?'" --Jay Leno

    "Well, the first Kerry-Bush debate between President Bush and John Kerry takes place Thursday in Miami. And today, thousands of local residents began evacuating." --David Letterman

    "The ground rules for the debates: The candidates must remain at least 10 feet apart, and they cannot talk directly to one another. It's actually based on the John Kerry-Teresa Heinz Kerry pre-nup agreement." --David Letterman

    "The two sides have been going through all sorts of (debate) negotiations. Supposedly there’s a perspiration clause, which requires the room to be kept at a certain temperature to prevent sweating. The Bush team wants the president to be far enough away from Kerry that people won't see how much shorter he is. Also on the height issue, the Bush people want a podium small enough that he doesn’t appear short, but still big enough that **** Cheney can hide inside it." --Jimmy Kimmel

    "Despite Hurricane Jeanne, this Thursday's presidential debate in Miami is still on. Is that a good idea with a hurricane going? Do you realize if both candidates were to drown, we could be looking at President Ralph Nader?" --Jay Leno

    "Ralph Nader says he is going to participate in the presidential debates. OK, he'll be at home yelling at the screen." --Jay Leno

    "Teresa Heinz Kerry predicted at a fund-raiser the other day that Osama bin Laden will be captured just before the election. Of course when President Bush heard he was furious. He said, 'How did she find out?'" --Jay Leno

    "California lawmakers just approved tough new anti-pollution legislation. If it goes through, California would have the toughest emissions standards in the country. Ironically, our governor owns five Hummers and chain smokes cigars. He’s the pollutiest governor ever – the man is doing everything but burning tires on his front lawn, and he’s passing this legislation. He also came out strongly against steroids, foreign accents, and frequent use of movie catch phrases." --Jimmy Kimmel

    "President Bush met with the prime minister of Greece. In the meeting, Bush praised the Greek people by saying, 'You gave the world Plato, which I once ate a can of.'" --Conan O'Brien

    "Bush bragged that more Iraqis say their country is on the right track than American say our country is on the right track. Boy, there’s a campaign slogan for you -- 'America: More F*cked Up Than Fallujah!'" -–Bill Maher



    ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
  7. #7  
    I'll save this for tomorrow....when I should be working!
  8.    #8  
    The 10 Funniest Political Videos of 2004

    The Year's Best Videos and Animations

    1) JibJab Presents "This Land"
    Link
    One is a liberal wiener. The other's a right-wing nut job. See John Kerry and George Bush square off and trade insults in this can't-miss campaign spoof of "This Land is Your Land." Presented by JibJab.

    2) Will Ferrell: A Message From the White House West
    Link
    Comedian Will Ferrell impersonates President Bush trying to film a political ad from his ranch in Crawford, Texas in this amusing parody. Presented by America Coming Together.

    3) Jon Stewart Slams Tucker Carlson on "Crossfire"
    Link
    Watch "Daily Show" host Jon Stewart browbeat Tucker Carlson over journalism ethics during an unforgettable interview on CNN's "Crossfire."

    4) Bush and the "Yawning Boy"
    Link
    Watch amusing footage of President Bush speaking at a campaign rally while in the background a 13-year-old boy is seen yawning uncontrollably, twisting his head from side to side, checking his watch, and looking thoroughly bored.

    5) JibJab Presents "Good To Be In DC"
    Link
    The creators of the wildly popular election parody "This Land" present an amusing sequel titled "Good to Be in D.C." The animated cartoon features Bush, Kerry, Cheney, and Edwards singing along to the classic American folk song "Dixie."

    6) Triumph the Insult Comic Dog in "Spin Alley"
    Link
    Watch a hilarious video of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog accosting Democratic and Republican spin doctors during the last presidential debate.

    7) Zell Miller Challenges Chris Matthews to a Duel
    Link
    Sen. Zell Miller challenges Chris Matthews to a duel during an interview on "Hardball."

    8) Republican Convention Video Remix
    Link
    This funny video compilation offers a handy Cliffs Notes summary of the Republican convention.

    9) Bush's Faces of Frustration
    Link
    Watch a compilation of video clips showing President Bush smirking, sighing, eye-rolling, lip-pursing, slouching, and pouting during his debate with Sen. John Kerry.

    10) Kerry and Edwards in Love
    Link
    John Kerry and John Edwards express their true feelings for each other in this amusing video set to Marvin Gaye's classic song "Let's Get It On."





    OTHER FUNNY VIDEOS

    Video: George W. Bush: Episode II
    Link
    After four years of fighting the war on terror, George W. Bush begins his journey towards the Dark Side of the Force. Watch the trailer for "George W. Bush: Episode II," with apologies to George Lucas.

    Audio: Howard Dean Scream Remixes
    Link
    Listen to a series of hilarious remixes featuring the primal scream Howard Dean let loose in his Iowa concession speech.

    Video: John Kerry: Anybody But Bush
    Link
    "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" presents a mockumentary film about the life of John Kerry

    Video: Cheney-Edwards Star Wars Parody
    Link
    Watch a funny remixed video of the vice presidential debate, featuring **** Cheney as Darth Vader and John Edwards as Luke Skywalker


    Audio: How the Grinch Stole Election Day
    LInk
    "Every Chad
    Down in Chad-ville
    Liked voting a lot...
    But the Grinch,
    Who lived just north of Chad-ville
    Did NOT!"


    Audio: Bush/Gore Election Night Phone Calls
    Link
    Listen in on the election night phone conversations between Gore and Bush.

    Video: Clinton's 'Final Days'
    Link
    Watch President Clinton's hilarious lame-duck video, in which a film crew documented how he spent his waning days in office.
  9. #9  
    I got about 1/2 of the way through the list and needed a break.

    Great Job HobbesIsReal
    iPhone 4S
    Former Treo & Storm Owner
    Cigar Lover
  10.    #10  
    It's all in the art of mastering Ctrl C & Ctrl V!
  11.    #11  
    STAR WARS JOKES

    Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group.

    An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn. Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons. Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.

    Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)

    Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens. Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them to jobs@darkside.com.

    *****************************************************

    Dark Side CG (tm) is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies. Dark Side CG (tm) is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft.







    Redneck Jedi

    You Might be a Redneck Jedi If.....

    You ever uttered the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

    Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

    You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

    You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

    At least one wing of your X-wing is primer colored.

    You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

    You describe the taste of an Ewok as "jus' like chicken."

    You have ever had a B-wing up on blocks in your yard.

    The worst part of spending time on planet Dagobah is "them dadgum skeeters."

    Wookies are offended by your B.O.

    You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you wouldn't have to wait for a commercial.

    Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot!"

    You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

    You have a confederate flag painted on your flight helmet.

    You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

    You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

    You kinda think that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

    You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire "them damn Yankees."

    You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

    In your opinion, that Cee-Threepio fellow "just ain't right."

    You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a Lazy-Boy recliner.

    The REAL reason you got into a fight in the cantina was because you ordered Bud Light...and they didn't have it.

    You knew Princess Leia was your sister all along.

    * You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya'll."

    * Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

    * You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

    * At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

    * You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

    * You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

    * The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

    * Wookies are offended by your B.O.

    * You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

    * You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

    * Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."

    * You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

    * You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

    * You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

    * Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

    * You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

    * You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

    * You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

    * Your business cards read "Billy Bob, Jedi Master".

    * Your Y-wing fighter has a bumper sticker that reads "My other fighter is an X-wing".

    * You know Ewoks squeal like pigs.

    * You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster.

    * When your sister wears her metallic bikini, you insist she travels by clinging to you while swinging on a rope.

    * Your land-speeder had a light saber rack.

    * Your land-speeder has a bumper sticker that reads "Protected by Smith & Wesson Light Sabers"

    * If you hear ... "Billy Bob, I am your father ... AND your uncle!"








    Star Pants

    Top 25 Lines in Star Wars that Can Be Improved by Substituting the word "Pants"

    1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
    2. You are unwise to lower your pants.
    3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
    4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
    5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
    6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.
    7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
    8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
    9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
    10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
    11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?
    12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
    13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
    14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.
    15. Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off.
    16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
    17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
    18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
    19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
    20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one. Your sister!
    21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
    22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
    23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
    24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
    25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.










    Star Wars Name
    How to determine YOUR Star Wars name:

    Your New First Name:
    1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name.
    2. Add the first 2 letters of your last name.

    Your New Last Name:
    3. Take the first 2 letters of your Mom's maiden name.
    4. Add the first 3 letters of the city you were born in.

    Your Star Wars Honorific Title:
    1: Take the last three letters of your last name and reverse them
    2: Add the first three letters of the make or model of your first car
    3: Insert the word "of"
    4: Tack on the name of the last medication you took.

    So I am Miccl Shnew, Krasca of Clarinex.












    Top Ten Reasons Why Star Wars Characters are Better Than Star Trek

    10. In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".
    9. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp -- The Millannium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a wookie.

    8. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh -- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

    7. One word: Lightsaber

    6. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire withone glance

    5. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is "M" class or not.

    4. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters

    3. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

    2. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I"

    1. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.















    Bumper stickers in the Star Wars Universe


    My Jedi brat can beat up your honors student

    I survived the Battle of Endor

    Palpatine, save me from your followers

    My other starship is an SSD

    Visit Scenic Beggars Canyon

    Jedi Master on board -- please fly carefully

    Support your local stormtrooper -- buy Imperial

    Max Rebo Tour '99 [or whatever year it is]

    X-wing pilots do it better

    WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY (on the Star Destroyer's rear, silly) why yes, i *did* see that movie, why do you ask?

    Poodoo happens...

    "My other vehicle is an AT-AT"

    "Palpatine/Vader in 2000 (Like you have a choice)"

    "If you don't like the way I fly, stay out of the asteroid field"

    "The only way they'll get my Standard-Imperial Blaster Rifle is if they pry it from my cold, dead hands"

    "I brake for Wookies (But not for Ewoks)"

    "Don't follow me - my hyperdrive is disabled"

    Graduate of the Han Solo School of Asteroid Belt Navigation

    Graduate of the Darth Vader School of Personnel Management

    Yoda School of Sentence Structure Graduate, I Am!

    Baby Ewok on Board

    Jedi Academy Honor Student on Board

    Don't Like the Way I Drive? Call 1-800-FLY-CASUAL

    My Other Car is an Incom T-16

    Member of Stormtroopers Local 1138

    Mon Mothma for Emperor!
    Last edited by HobbesIsReal; 06/17/2005 at 12:15 PM.
  12.    #12  
    The Top 14 Things Bill Clinton Would Say if He Were in "Star Wars"


    14. "Well, it depends on your definition of 'father', Luke."

    13. "Who knew the Jedi Mind Trick could work on 250 million people all at once?"

    12. "I *absolutely* support the use of droids in the military... Okay, now I don't."

    11. "Oh-h-h, you're looking for a little *WOOKIE*... Well, that's different."

    10. "Luke, I am your father. Obi-Wan, I'm your father, too. And that Queen chick? I'm her daddy for sure. And Leia's. And Lando's, Boba Fett's, Jabba the Hutt's, Chewie's..."

    9. "Wretched hive of scum and villainy? Woo-hoo, count me in!"

    8. "I think the American people would like a little more bass in my theme music."

    7. "Dispose of that troublesome young Jedi, Vince Skyfoster -- and make it look like a suicide."

    6. "I did not have sexual relations with that wookie, Ms. Chewinsky."

    5. "It's a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away -- and I'm still a lyin' weasel."

    4. "Cholesterol does not concern me, Admiral. I want that Big Mac -- not excuses."

    3. "Sorry about that lightsaber, Sugar. Just consider it laser dental work."

    2. "These are not the droids you're looking for, Ma'am. Say, it's getting hot in here -- you might want to take off your top."

    1. "She's my sister?!? Well, back on my home planet of Arkansas, that ain't an obstacle!"









    Things You'll Never Hear Yoda Say


    What expect you from someone 900 years old? English perfect???

    Size matters not...hey, what are you laughing at?

    Lift THAT ship?! You must be out of your mind

    I cannot teach him. IQ of 30 has he. Hangs upside down in ice
    caves.

    Duct Tape...the Force it is like. Both a light side and a dark side it has. Binds the universe together it does!

    Remember all that stuff Obi-Wan taught you? Forget it.

    Yeah, well oneness with the universe doesn't put food on the plate, junior.

    No...there is another. Let's hope as stupid, she is not.

    Never underestimate the powers of the dark side. Or is that Regis Philbin?

    I cannot teach him. Land an X-wing, he cannot even.

    Never underestimate the power of the dark side... or duct tape.

    Yeah yeah. Force this!

    Anger, fear, merchandising...the Dark Side are they!

    I didn't want this job! I wanted Marlon Brando's role in 'Apocalypse Now!'

    No Force? Take this, impudent nonbeliever! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    So how did you like the funhouse in the cave, Luke?

    Quite frankly, Mr. Skywalker, if Obi-Wan wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled.

    Oh, yes, well if you're going could you take this robe to the cleaners for me? I've been wearing it for over 800 years on this stinkhole and it doesn't... Oh, judge me on my smell, will you?

    Well it may be spooky, but it saves cost on burial plots and it beats cremation.

    Luke, don't ask what the Force can do for you.. But what you can do for the Force.

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