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  1. #61  
    Q: What does a mathematician do when he's constipated?
















    A: He works it out with a pencil.
  2. #62  
    A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

    The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

    The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
  3. #63  
    Quote Originally Posted by HobbesIsReal
    An old one, but still just as funny:

    Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.
    When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

    A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

    Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

    His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

    While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.

    He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

    When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

    To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.
    Thanks, I am in physical pain from laughing so hard....
    "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
    - Albert Einstein
  4. #64  
    After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

    Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

    But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

    As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

    "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied "but his face rings a bell."

    The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

    The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

    The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

    "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but… He's a dead ringer for his brother."
  5. #65  
    It's amazing how many of these jokes you have heard over the years, but just forgot about them!

    A duck walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender, "You got any grapes?!"
    Bartender responds, "No, get out of here, we don't serve ducks!"
    So the duck walks out the door, "Quack, quack, quack, quack."
    The next day, the duck walks back into the bar and sits down and asks the bartender again, "You got any grapes?!"
    Bartender responds to the duck again, "No, don't come back here duck!"
    So the duck walks out the door, "Quack, quack, quack, quack."
    The very next day, the duck walks back into the bar and sits down and asks the bartender again, "You got any grapes?!"
    Angrily the bartender responds, "Listen here duck, if you come back in here one more time asking me for grapes, I'm gonna nail you to this bar!"
    So the duck walks out the door, "Quack, quack, quack, quack."
    On the very next day, the duck walks back in and sits down and asks the bartender, "You got any nails?!"
    Bartender says, "Nope."
    So the duck asks, "You got any grapes?!"
  6. #66  
    A guy goes into the grocery store and notices a beautiful waving and smiling at him.

    He's taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, "Do you know me?"

    To which she replies, "I think you are the father of one of my children."

    Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my **** with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my ****?"

    "No" she replied, "I'm your son's math teacher."
    << My command as we escape Palm HQ with a new Pre 3>>.

    Treo 300 >> Treo 600 >> Treo 650 >> Treo 755 >> Instinct >> Pre- >> TouchPad
  7. #67  
    Two Kentucky mountain boys, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar,
    drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tard of goin'
    through life without an education. Tomorra I thank I'll go to the community
    college and sign up for some classes."

    Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

    The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions,
    who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and
    logic.

    "Logic?" Jim says. "What's zat?"

    The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

    "Yeah."

    "Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a
    yard."

    "That's true, I do have a yard."

    "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically
    that you would have a house."

    "Yes, I do have a house."

    "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
    family."

    "I have a family."

    "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a
    wife."

    "Yes, I do have a wife."

    "And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

    "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that
    because I have a weed eater."

    Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go
    meet Bob at the bar.

    He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English,
    history, and logic.

    "Logic?" Bob says, "What's zat?"

    Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

    "No."

    "Yore ***** ain'tcha Bob."
    << My command as we escape Palm HQ with a new Pre 3>>.

    Treo 300 >> Treo 600 >> Treo 650 >> Treo 755 >> Instinct >> Pre- >> TouchPad
  8. #68  
    A bruised and battered turtle crawls into a police station. He says to the cop: "A gang of snails just beat me up!". The cop says: "Did you get a good look at them?". The turtle says: "Well, no, it all happened so fast!".
  9. #69  
    A woman walks in to a local pharmacy, and asks to purchase some cyanide.

    The Pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

    The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

    The Pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kinds of bad things will happen!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
  10. #70  
    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

    She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

    "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

    The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

    "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

    "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
  11. #71  
    Quote Originally Posted by StrangeReaction
    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
    Why is the Republican sitting in a boat in the middle of the road in a small town east of Austin, TX? Why can't he read his GPS properly?
    “Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.” (Philip K. ****)
  12. cardio's Avatar
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    #72  
    Quote Originally Posted by clulup
    Why is the Republican sitting in a boat in the middle of the road in a small town east of Austin, TX? Why can't he read his GPS properly?
    You must be swiss, you took the facts (joke in this case) and made up what you needed to put the blame on the president of the United States for a democrat being lost
    "If It Weren't For The United States Military"
    "There Would Be NO United States of America"
  13. #73  
    Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

    A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

    Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

    A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

    Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

    I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

    Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

    A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

    Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

    Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

    A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

    Without geometry, life is pointless.

    When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

    Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

    A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

    Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

    When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

    A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

    What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

    A backwards poet writes inverse.

    In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

    A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

    With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

    Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you
    A flat minor.

    When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
    Linoleum Blownapart.

    You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

    He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

    Every calendar's days are numbered.

    A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

    He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

    The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a
    small medium at large.

    Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

    Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

    When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought
    she'd dye.

    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

    Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  14. #74  
    Whats the difference between a priest and a pimple?

    a pimple waits until your 13 to come on your face
    Wisdom sheds light on the knowledge you have accumulated

    Palm Pre (Sprint)
  15. #75  
    Two hunters are walking through the woods when suddenly, one of them collapses. It doesn't look like he's breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

    The other hunter quickly whips out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps into the phone: "My friend is dead! He just keeled over! What can I do?

    The very calm operator replies: "Sir, just take it easy. I can help. First, make sure he's dead. There is a couple seconds of silence, then a gunshot is heard. The hunter gets back on the line. He says: "Ok, now what?"
  16. #76  
    THE PERFECT HUSBAND

    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

    A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

    Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: "Hello."

    WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

    MAN: "Yes."

    WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

    It's only $1,000. Is it OK, if I buy it?"

    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. And I saw one I really liked."

    MAN: "How much?"

    WOMAN: "$90,000."

    MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

    MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

    Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
  17.    #77  
    How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ears pierced?














    A buck-an-ear . . . .
  18. #78  
    So a man is given a parrot from a friend that is moving. The parrot knows a lot of bad words and repeats them constantly.

    After several days the man asks the parrot to stop saying such rude things. The parrot doesn't stop and says them even more.

    One night the man grabs the parrot out of the cage and puts the parrot in the freeze hoping to silence him.
    After a few seconds the parrot is quite. Now the guy feels bad. he opens the freezer and the parrot is standing at attention, like a soldier.
    Parrlt: I'm sorry sir. I won't say any more rude thingss. i'll do whatever you say.

    Man: That sounds great. you can come out now.

    Parrot: I just have one question sir...... what did the turkey do?
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