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  1.    #1  
    Assume the position: TSA begins new nut-busting pat-downs
    By Nate Anderson | Last updated a day ago


    Yesterday, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) rolled out new nationwide rules for traveler pat-downs. Want to keep your genitalia private by avoiding the new backscatter security scanners? You can request a pat-down instead, but the TSA is intent on making sure you won't enjoy it. The new rules require agents to pay renewed attention to your crotch, and their hands won't stop until they meet testicular resistance. (No word on quite how far they'll go should you lack said testicles.)

    Here's how the TSA describes the new policy. Get ready to yawn: "TSA is in the process of implementing new pat-down procedures at checkpoints nationwide as one of our many layers of security to keep the traveling public safe. Pat-downs are one important tool to help TSA detect hidden and dangerous items such as explosives. Passengers should continue to expect an unpredictable mix of security layers that include explosives trace detection, advanced imaging technology, canine teams, among others."

    Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic flew several times this week and had a revealing discussion about the new pat-down rules with a couple of TSA agents. Here's an excerpt from his far more lively description:

    I asked him if the new guidelines included a cavity search. "No way. You think Congress would allow that?"

    I answered, "If you're a terrorist, you're going to hide your weapons in your anus or your ******." He blushed when I said "******."

    "Yes, but starting tomorrow, we're going to start searching your crotchal area"—this is the word he used, "crotchal"—"and you're not going to like it."

    "What am I not going to like?" I asked.

    "We have to search up your thighs and between your legs until we meet resistance," he explained.

    "Resistance?" I asked.

    "Your testicles," he explained.

    'That's funny," I said, "because 'The Resistance' is the actual name I've given to my testicles."

    He answered, "Like 'The Situation,' that guy from Jersey Shore?"

    The new pat-down did turn out to be more thorough—and "resistance" was apparently encountered. Was it effective? As someone who has written about "security theater" and served as an Israeli military police officer, Goldberg has been on the receiving end of far more thorough searches. But the new rules may not really be about "thoroughness" anyway, because "the obvious goal of the TSA is to make the pat-down embarrassing enough for the average passenger that the vast majority of people will choose high-tech humiliation over the low-tech ball check."

    Assume the position: TSA begins new nut-busting pat-downs

    For the First Time, the TSA Meets Resistance - Jeffrey Goldberg - National - The Atlantic
    Last edited by sketch42; 11/01/2010 at 12:06 PM.
  2. #2  
    Guess we'll need to start wearing a cup for TSA screening now!
  3. #3  
    resistance is futile
  4. #4  
    Quote Originally Posted by Orion Antares View Post
    Guess we'll need to start wearing a cup for TSA screening now!
    Then they may think you're using it to smuggle something and...

    Last time I flew into Canada, customs held me up for over an hour.
    Sent from my favorite gadget!
  5.    #5  
    Quote Originally Posted by verwon View Post
    Then they may think you're using it to smuggle something and...

    Last time I flew into Canada, customs held me up for over an hour.
    ouch... ??
  6. #6  
    as long as they are cute...

    and let me pat them down, too.
  7. #7  
    I smell a law-suit coming

    OK mam, this over-weight/bearded/mouth breathing man is gonna feel up your thighs until he meets "resistance"... it is in the name of national security.

    Sprint Pre- Meta-Doctor 2.1.0 w/Flash

    Everything is Amazing & Nobody is Happy, "People with their mobile phones, "uh... oh... it won't..."... GIVE IT A SECOND... IT'S GOING TO SPACE!" Louis C.K.
  8.    #8  
    lol... still gender on gender feel em ups ... no cross gender allowed
  9. #9  
    Quote Originally Posted by sketch42 View Post
    ouch... ??
    Apparently no women in Canada actually wear lacey stuff! LOL
    Sent from my favorite gadget!
  10. #10  
    air security is BS. should be left up to the airport and should be non-government companies running it.

    and, pilots should carry concealed weapons.

    dont like it, dont fly.
    @agentmock

    Audiovox SMT5600 (WM) --> Cingular 8125 (WM) --> Sprint Mogul 8525 (WM) --> Palm Pre (webOS)- --> Sprint Franken Pre2 (webOS) + 32gb Touchpad (webOS)
  11. #11  
    Quote Originally Posted by sketch42 View Post
    lol... still gender on gender feel em ups ... no cross gender allowed
    that still could be an issue...

    Sprint Pre- Meta-Doctor 2.1.0 w/Flash

    Everything is Amazing & Nobody is Happy, "People with their mobile phones, "uh... oh... it won't..."... GIVE IT A SECOND... IT'S GOING TO SPACE!" Louis C.K.
  12. #12  
    Literally, most of the questions they asked me involved the topic of why I was carrying anyting lacey in my bag when I don't have a BF and where my husband was, when I had already showed the guy that I had been divorced for quite awhile.
    Sent from my favorite gadget!
  13.    #13  
    sounds like he was trying to pick you up?
  14. Traxion's Avatar
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    #14  
    Quote Originally Posted by verwon View Post
    Literally, most of the questions they asked me involved the topic of why I was carrying anyting lacey in my bag when I don't have a BF and where my husband was, when I had already showed the guy that I had been divorced for quite awhile.
    Most single women in the states wear "lacey" things... Its when they actually get married or have a serious BF is when it seems to stop.... Seems a little backwards, but thats Canada for ya, eh?
    "I will go in this way, but I'll find my own way out." -DMB

    Dear Lord,
    Please grant me the ability to punch people in the face over standard TCP/IP.
    Amen.
  15. #15  
    Quote Originally Posted by sketch42 View Post
    lol... still gender on gender feel em ups ... no cross gender allowed
    lol what if one of them is gay?
  16. #16  
    Edited for language..

    Quote Originally Posted by Fight Club
    Narrator: Was it ticking?
    Airport Security Officer: Actually throwers don't worry about ticking 'cause modern bombs don't tick.
    Narrator: Sorry, throwers?
    Airport Security Officer: Baggage handlers. But, when a suitcase vibrates, then the throwers gotta call the police.
    Narrator: My suitcase was vibrating?
    Airport Security Officer: Nine times out of ten it's an electric razor, but every once in a while... it's a vibrator. Of course it's company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a vibrator... always use the indefinite article a vibrator, never your vibrator.

    Sprint Pre- Meta-Doctor 2.1.0 w/Flash

    Everything is Amazing & Nobody is Happy, "People with their mobile phones, "uh... oh... it won't..."... GIVE IT A SECOND... IT'S GOING TO SPACE!" Louis C.K.
  17. #17  
    Quote Originally Posted by Butters3605 View Post
    I smell a law-suit coming

    OK mam, this over-weight/bearded/mouth breathing man is gonna feel up your thighs until he meets "resistance"... it is in the name of national security.
    there used to be a funny female comedian that talked about 'if you are going to do that, at least move up and to the left'.

    I wish I could remember her name. Funniest routine ever.
  18. #18  
    Quote Originally Posted by sketch42 View Post
    sounds like he was trying to pick you up?
    Maybe I should've just pointed out that you don't need a relationship to be lovers?!? LOL

    Quote Originally Posted by Traxion View Post
    Most single women in the states wear "lacey" things... Its when they actually get married or have a serious BF is when it seems to stop.... Seems a little backwards, but thats Canada for ya, eh?
    Not this woman! LOL
    Sent from my favorite gadget!
  19. #19  
    'That's funny," I said, "because 'The Resistance' is the actual name I've given to my testicles."
    LMAO...
  20. #20  
    Before you know it, you'll have to be a naturist to travel via air.
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