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  1. #41  
    A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.
  2. #42  
    Q: What did the girl oyster say to the boy oyster?
    A: You never open up to me!
  3. #43  
    What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye-deer.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls? Still no f-ing eye-deer.
  4. #44  
    What's the difference between a girls field hockey team, and a tribe of pygmies?

    One's a bunch of cunning little runts.
  5. #45  
    If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

    I-HOP.
  6. #46  
    Krispy Kreme – So Good You’ll WHAT??!



  7. #47  
    Two Irishman walk out of a Bar...
    hey, it could happen!
  8. #48  
    Keep it clean guys.
    Forum rules apply here in OT also.
  9. #49  
    Husband Store

    A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!




    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:




    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs




    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:




    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'




    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.



    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
  10. #50  
    I asked Gramma if I could wear Grandpa's tux to a dinner my wife and I were invited to...
    She said sure and handed me a shovel.
    Just call me Berd.
  11. #51  
    Amuse you how

    --Sent using Tap@Talk for webOS
  12.    #52  
    Quote Originally Posted by sketch42 View Post
    Amuse you how

    --Sent using Tap@Talk for webOS
    C'mon, Sketchy, i know you can do better than that.
  13. jwinn35's Avatar
    Posts
    390 Posts
    Global Posts
    396 Global Posts
    #53  
    what am I here for your amusement. What funny haha, funny like a clown what?
  14. #54  
    An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

    He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

    He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

    At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

    Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

    "Very Well," said the voice.

    The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

    "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."
  15. #55  
    Officer, OK, so I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

    So we both pulled over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car...and you know how you get that just-so-stressed kind of feeling...and life, you know, sometimes life seems like...suddenly funny?

    Well, the other driver is a dwarf. He gets out of his car and he is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. He walks right over and looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

    And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy - then which one are you?'

    ...and that's when the fight started...
  16. #56  
    A man and a woman were trying to catch an overnight train, but it was almost completely booked up. The only two remaining spots were in a sleeper car with a bunk bed. Reluctantly they both agreed to share the room and purchased the tickets.

    On the way to the car, the man turned to the woman and said, “I will try to make this simple. I will go ahead and take the upper bunk, you can have the lower.”

    When they got to their room, the man climbed up to the top and the woman got in the bottom. They both fell asleep.

    In the middle of the night, the man awoke shivering. He didn’t necessarily want to wake up the woman, but ultimately had no choice. He gently called to her to wake up as he had a question. He said, “It’s pretty cold up here, would you mind getting me another blanket?”

    She thought for a second and then said, “You know, no one knows we’re in this car together. Would you rather just pretend we were married?”

    The man quickly said, “Yeah, sure!!!”

    …(scroll down)…






















    She said, “OK then, get your own damn blanket!” And she went back to sleep.
  17. #57  
    POLITICAL SCIENCE FOR DUMMIES

    DEMOCRAT

    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.
    You feel guilty for being successful.
    You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.


    REPUBLICAN

    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.
    So?


    SOCIALIST

    You have two cows.
    The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
    You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


    COMMUNIST

    You have two cows.
    The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
    You wait in line for hours to get it.
    It is expensive and sour.


    CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

    You have two cows.
    You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


    BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

    You have two cows.
    Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.


    AMERICAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
    You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
    You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
    You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
    Your stock goes up.


    FRENCH CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You go on strike because you want three cows.
    You go to lunch and drink wine.
    Life is good.
    Your cows meet a German cow and immediately surrender.


    JAPANESE CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
    Most are at the top of their class at cow school.


    GERMAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
    Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.


    ITALIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
    You break for lunch.
    Life is good.


    RUSSIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You drink some vodka.
    You count them and learn you have five cows.
    You drink some more vodka.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.


    TALIBAN CORPORATION

    You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
    You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
    You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.


    IRAQI CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    They go into hiding.
    They send radio tapes of their mooing.



    POLISH CORPORATION

    You have two bulls.
    Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.


    BELGIAN CORPORATION

    You have one cow.
    The cow is schizophrenic.
    Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
    The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
    The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
    The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
    The cow dies happy.


    FLORIDA CORPORATION

    You have a black cow and a brown cow.
    Everyone votes for the best looking one.
    Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
    Some people vote for both.
    Some people vote for neither.
    Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
    Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the bestlooking cow.


    CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

    You have millions of cows.
    They make real California cheese.
    Only five speak English.
    Most are illegal.
    Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
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