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  1.    #1  
    The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):

    1- FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current boy/girlfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, social diseases, strange political affiliations or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.

    Furthermore, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or mothers. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to, as she would say, "blossom".

    2- INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho *****". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho *****," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")

    3- DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable.

    Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."

    4- TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-two (42) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".

    5- DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies.

    Furthermore, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.

    6- TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that-respective gross income aside- "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is f' d up, you pay!"

    Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

    7- LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments.

    Furthermore, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords and/or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his facial-hair clippings out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".

    8- THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and using archaic terminology like- "Let's get married."

    9- THE "L" WORD: For the first six (6) months, both parties agree NOT to use the phrase "I love you". They may "love" plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other.

    Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word ... "Gone."

    10- GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:

    Running off at any time to "console" an ex-boy/girlfriend and/or ending any argument with the sentence: "My ex used to do that same !"
    Last edited by dbdoinit; 06/22/2010 at 08:41 PM.
  2. tsnum4's Avatar
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    #2  
    Quote Originally Posted by dbd View Post
    They may "love" plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other.


    ohhh dbd, you are truly a great source of entertainment
  3.    #3  
    Quote Originally Posted by tsnum4 View Post


    ohhh dbd, you are truly a great source of entertainment
    Lol, i do try.
    I do try.



  4. #4  
    tl;dr

    Just point me where to sign, and I'll blindly do as I'm told... just like any other contract I've ever entered in to.
    Follow me on teh Twitterz
  5. #5  
    dbd ....... oh man
    ĦṔ-Ḷṫ-Ŧḯη
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  6. #6  
    I thinking that ill just keep a goin on posting stuff for dbd to fix the grammor and spelling on. Perhaps dangle a participle or two...

    Danny... where you at?
    If you like my Themes, please donate! Thanks!

    http://wiseguyandbeyond.blogspot.com

    http://wiseguyandbeyond.blogspot.com
  7.    #7  
    Quote Originally Posted by pogeypre View Post
    I'm thinking that i'll just keep posting stuff for dbd, so he can fix the grammar and spelling. Perhaps dangle a participle or two...

    Danny... what is your current location?
    Hey, don't be "dangling" anything in front of me, lol lol.
  8. #8  
    "i'll" should be "I'll". Just sayin'.

  9. #9  
    dbd -- if that stuff is all yours, all original -- BARYE is more than impressed

    755P Sprint SERO (upgraded from unlocked GSM 650 on T-Mobile)
  10.    #10  
    Quote Originally Posted by BARYE View Post
    dbd -- if that stuff is all yours, all original -- BARYE is more than impressed

    Thanks, it's not, but i have to admit that i improvised parts of it.
  11. #11  
    Quote Originally Posted by dbd View Post
    Thanks, it's not, but i have to admit that i improvised parts of it.
    improved -- or "improvised" ??
    755P Sprint SERO (upgraded from unlocked GSM 650 on T-Mobile)
  12. #12  
    That's a perfect representation and pretty much how it passes through my head, but if this needs to be explained then she aint worth keeping.
    (Unless she's good fun, then she is good for a cold winter, but I maintain 6 months top and must be ended by June 1st to get you ready for summer).
    Last edited by pip smith; 01/16/2011 at 09:32 PM.
  13.    #13  
    Quote Originally Posted by BARYE View Post
    improved -- or "improvised" ??
    You're right. Improved.
    I put a dbd spin on it, lol.
  14. #14  
    Quote Originally Posted by dbd View Post
    You're right. Improved.
    I put a dbd spin on it, lol.
    cool -- good stuff no matter how it got written !
    755P Sprint SERO (upgraded from unlocked GSM 650 on T-Mobile)
  15.    #15  
    Quote Originally Posted by BARYE View Post
    cool -- good stuff no matter how it got written !
    Thanks, BARYE.
  16. #16  
    Danny, even I (the lone female responder, so far) agree with this thing. Plus I was chuckling aloud as I read it. Thanks!

    Edit: So that's what's warming my heart! Shoulda realized...
    Blaize, Mistress of Verbosity



    Be nice until it's time to not be nice.--Dalton, "Roadhouse"
  17.    #17  
    Quote Originally Posted by Blaize View Post
    Danny, even I (the lone female responder, so far) agree with this thing. Plus I was chuckling aloud as I read it. Thanks!
    You're welcome, babycakes.
  18. #18  
    Awwww....

    I added to my previous...
    Blaize, Mistress of Verbosity



    Be nice until it's time to not be nice.--Dalton, "Roadhouse"
  19.    #19  
    Quote Originally Posted by Blaize View Post
    Awwww....
  20.    #20  
    The "No-Strings Attached" Agreement-

    I, _______________________, hereby surrender all possibilities of friendship, commitment, marriage, guilt-trips and near-pregnancies in exchange for one (1) night of fondling and fornication.

    I will not return to the scene of said activities, nor call, write or otherwise contact/harass or vex said co-signer of contract for a time of no less than thirty (30) days and nights after said activities have been fulfilled.

    I also hereby surrender all rights to propagate rumors, misnomers and dirty looks in the cafeteria from myself and friends, and will treat said co-signer with all the respect due a stranger.

    I will say "hi" if we pass within twenty (20) feet in a friendly, if not neutral, tone.

    I will also, upon completion of herefore listed activities, not leave underwear, earrings or other insignificant yet oh-so-valuable knick-knacks lying about or hidden somewhere in the co-signer's abode for the sole purpose of returning to said abode and breaking the no-contact agreement of this document.

    I furthermore state that I am of sound mind and desirable body, and will not call said co-signer by any other name than is his or her own, nor reminisce on some former slime-ball/great lover who wore the same cologne, roll-on, boxer shorts or robe.

    I will also pay one-half of all laundry fees as needed after prescribed activity.
    Last edited by dbdoinit; 06/27/2010 at 11:40 PM.
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