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  1. #161  
    why do lawyers smell? so the blind can hate them, too.
  2.    #162  
    A local manufacturer is producing attractive, inexpensive, disposable furniture made of cardboard.

    They advertise one bedside table by pointing out: "It could serve as a one-night stand!"
    Last edited by dbdoinit; 07/01/2010 at 07:25 PM.
  3. #163  
    ...so a lady arrived at the mortuary for her husband's funeral. Obviously distraught with grief, she blew a gasket when she saw her husband laid out in a brown suit. She grabbed the undertaker and gave him a good scolding, telling him she specified blue and that he'd better be in a blue suit by the time the service starts. He said, "oh ma'am I am sooo sorry. We were sure that you asked for brown and it isn't possible to purchase a suit and make the change in the short time before the service starts.

    well, she melted down and sobbed uncontrollably. finally the undertaker said, "ma'am, I will see what I can do. Please be seated in the chapel and I will see what can be done. Within a few minutes the guests had all arrived and the service started. She was even more upset because the guy hadn't come back to give her any update. She was furious in her grief. When the casket was rolled in and opened - there was her beloved in a blue suit. She was overjoyed, and the entire service was simply beautiful.

    A few days later, she was back to visit her husband's grave. She happened to see the same guy from the mortuary. She gave him a big hug, and thanked him profusely for getting her husband into such a beautiful blue suit in time for the service. As she thanked him, she asked "how were you able to find a suit so quickly, and that fit so well?".

    The man said "oh, there happened to be another funeral scheduled for later in the day and that man was dressed in a blue suit." She exclaimed "oh, well it's wonderful that you were able to switch the suits so quickly."

    He said "we could never have switched suits in such a short time, so we just switched the heads."
  4.    #164  
    A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
    "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him.

    "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.

    "Parlare Italiano?" No response.

    "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

    The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

    "Why?" says the other, "That ***** knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
  5.    #165  
    A couple, ages 64 and 67, went to the doctor's office.
    The doctor asked; "What can I do for you two?"

    The man asked; "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

    The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said; "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit.

    This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

    Finally, the doctor asked "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

    The old man replied; "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $75.00. The Hilton charges $98.00.
    We do it here for $32.00 and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."
    Last edited by dbdoinit; 07/03/2010 at 08:48 PM.
  6. #166  
    A wealthy man has only one son. As soon as the son can talk, the father asks him what he wants for a present. The boy says he wants a pink ping pong ball. The man finds it strange but buys the kid a pink ping pong ball.

    When the son turns six, the father asks him what he wants. The son says he wants a hundred pink ping pong balls. The father again finds it strange but gives the kid a hundred pink ping pong balls.

    At his birthday party at age 10, the wealthy father asks his son what he wants. The son says he wants a thousand pink ping pong balls. The father starts to argue but he loves his son so much that he gives in and buys him a thousand pink ping pong balls.

    When the son turns 16, the father asks his son what car he wants, a Lamborghini, a Ferrari, or a Bugatti. The son replies that he wants 10 thousand pink ping pong balls. By now, the father is concerned about the pink ping pong ball obsession but still buys 10 thousand pink ping pong balls for his beloved son.

    On his 18th birthday, the father confronts his son. The father asks his son what he truly wants for his birthday. The son looks up and says he wants a million pink ping pong balls. The father is alarmed at the insanity but loves his son so much (and being so wealthy) that he buys his son a million pink ping pong balls.

    Several years later, the son turns 21. The father wants to hand over his business worth billions to his son but the son only wants 10 million pink ping pong balls. The father sighs and gives his son 10 million pink ping pong balls. By now, the son has 11 million 11 thousand 100 and 1 pink ping pong balls.

    The father is very worried about this crazy obsession. He takes his son on their yacht to have some father-son talk. The father asks his son why he wanted those pink ping pong balls. The father wants to know. The son stands up on the yacht and starts to explain. "Dad...I wanted those pink ping pong balls because..." A stingray jumps out of the water and hits the sons face so hard that he dies immediately. The end.







    Highlight below for disclaimer.

    No refunds will be given for wasting your time.
    The Original Owner of the AT&T Pre3
  7. #167  
    If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink
    I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money.

    Modded Sprint Pre: 3" pulley s/c, i/c, 1.6 rockers, xp cam, slp headers, 3in exhaust, res/cat delete... oh wait wrong forum... ummm pre has lots of mc patches and a xtra mhz, ghtz, and chigglehertz
  8.    #168  
    Quote Originally Posted by Soorma View Post
    A wealthy man has only one son. As soon as the son can talk, the father asks him what he wants for a present. The boy says he wants a pink ping pong ball. The man finds it strange but .......

    No refunds will be given for wasting your time.
    Well there's a minute or so of my life that i'll never get back again.
  9.    #169  
    How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
  10.    #170  
    Three engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who might've designed the human body. The first one said; "It must've been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have designed all that."

    The second one said; "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an electrical engineer."

    Then the third one said; "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would've run a waste-water line through a recreational area?"
  11. #171  
    while we are on jack handy quotes, my favorite is:

    I am strongly opposed to investing in more nuclear weapons until we've gotten some use out of the ones we already have.
  12.    #172  
    About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the J e w won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
    The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

    The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

    An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened? The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

    Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine..."
  13. #173  
    nice one!

    reminds me of this:

    the jews don't recognize Jesus as Messiah

    the catholics don't recognize marriage for the clergy

    the anglicans don't recognize the Pope as head of the true church

    the protestants don't recognize women in the anglican priesthood

    the charismatic church doesn't recognize the end of the prophetic age

    and a baptist won't recognize another baptist in a liquor store...
    Last edited by Workerb33; 07/08/2010 at 07:23 PM. Reason: typo
  14. #174  
    During one of the Pope's visits to the U.S., he was met at the airport by a limo. The Pope had always wanted to drive one, so he begged the driver to let him. While the driver hesitated, he finally gave in. The Pope got in, floored the gas and took off!

    While speeding, the limo passed a police officer w/ a radar gun. The cop turned on his lights and pulled the limo over. He asked the driver for his license, and obviously, the Pope didn't have one. The cop replied, "I'll be right back" and when back to his squad car.

    He radioed in stating, "I have a problem."

    The dispatch replied, "What's the problem?"

    The cop said, "I've pulled over a very important person for speeding."

    The dispatch, "Is it the Mayor?"

    The cop, "No, more important than that."

    The dispatch, "Is it the Governor?"

    "No, more important that that."

    "Is it the President?"

    "No, more important that that."

    "Well, who is more important than the President?"

    "I dunno, but he's got the Pope driving for him!"
    Richard Neff

    My tutorials on WebOS development: Beyond 'Hello World!' | Getting Started - WebOS Development

    My apps: Percent Table | SierraPapa
  15. #175  
    a man walking past a bar noticed that the bar was having a contest. so the man went in and asked what the contest was for, and the bartender said that anyone who could make his horse laugh gets 100 dollars.

    so the man went into the back and when he came out, sure enough the horse was laughing.

    a few weeks later the man walked past the bar again and they were having another contest. this time it was to get the horse to stop laughing because he hadn't stopped since the man initially walked in.

    so the man went into the back and when he came out, sure enough the horse had stopped laughing.

    the bartender just had to know what the man had done to win the contest twice.

    "The first time i told the horse my c*** was bigger than his, and the second time i showed him"
  16. #176  
    Quote Originally Posted by spoonie luv View Post
    a man walking past a bar noticed that the bar was having a contest. ...
    That was posted earlier in this thread (slightly different)...
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  17. #177  
    Well, I know this isn't technically a "joke" but it's soooooo funny that I just had to share it. It is hysterical, and talks about new things coming from Apple... the Friend Bar and the iStore...

    New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products | The Onion - America's Finest News Source | Onion News Network

    Besides, this is a funny thread and needs to keep going!
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  18.    #178  
    A man is having problems with his , which certainly had seen better times...

    He consults a doctor, which after a couple of tests, says "Sorry, but you've overdone it for the last thirty years, your is burned out; it only has about 12 "sessions" left!"

    The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.

    She says: "Oh my god, only 12 more times! We shouldn't waste that; we'd better make a list!"

    He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, but your name is not on it!"
  19. #179  
    This would be funnier if it weren't true...

    It's a slow day in a little east Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

    On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

    As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

    The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

    The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

    The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

    The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

    The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

    At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

    No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

    However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

    And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.
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  20. #180  
    I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"
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