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  1. #61  
    A guy walks into a Wedding Reception. He goes up to the Bartender and asks,
    "Is this the punch Line?"
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    #62  
    A horse walk into a bar, and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"
    The Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
  3. #63  
    Oldie:
    Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”
  4. #64  
    What's better than winning the Special Olympics? Not being Handicapped.

    That was bad, I'm sorry everyone, please forgive me.
    I am no longer a part of the Pre Central Community.
  5. #65  
    A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer... the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears."

    The bear gets angry and looks around. Pointing to a girl sitting at the end of the bar the bear says "If you don't give me a beer I'm going to eat that woman."

    The bartender says "Do what you want, but we don't serve beer to bears."

    So the bear goes to the woman and eats her on the spot. Then he turns back to the bartender and says "Now, give me a beer!"

    The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to drug users here."

    The bear says "Drug users, what are you talking about?"

    "Well," the bartender replies "that was a barbiturate"
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  6. Micael's Avatar
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    #66  
    A guy walks into the doctors office with a duck on his head. The doctor says, "I bet you want that duck removed from your head", and the duck says, "No, I want this wart removed from my ***".
    The Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
  7. #67  
    I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.
  8. #68  
    After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, “No hablo ingles.”
  9. #69  
    A string goes into a bar and they won't serve it -- the usual story. So this upsets the string and it goes to a shrink to be psychoanalyzed. Since there's a little S & M in its background, it ties itself up, then tries to go into the same bar that rejected it before. The bartender says, "Aren't you a string?"
    The string replies, "No, I'm a Freud knot."
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  10. #70  
    Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one.
    "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other.
    "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be ... one blood and one blood lite..."
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  11. #71  
    A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”
  12. #72  
    So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you."
    "Why not?" asks the snake.
    The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
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  13. #73  
    20 lemmings walk into a bar. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!


    (You counted the 'ouch's' didn't you?)
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    #74  
    When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    (credit: Jack Handey)
    The Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
  15. #75  
    Q: How many climate skeptics does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. It's too early to say if the light bulb needs changing.

    Sorry dbd, I had to go back to the global-climate-warming-change-mini ice age-catastrophe-normal earth state-fun-o-ramma for just a sec.
  16. #76  
    Another one for my Eastern Canadian friends...

    ...there were three French cats in a boat. Their names were One, Two, and Three, but in French. One day, they were out sailing when their boat suddenely got a hole in it.

    As a result, Une Duex Trois quatre cinq.
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  17. #77  
    He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

    On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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  18. #78  
    Darwin awards quote ....

    Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
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  19.    #79  
    Quote Originally Posted by noco37 View Post
    Sorry dbd, I had to go back to the global-climate-warming-change-mini ice age-catastrophe-normal earth state-fun-o-ramma for just a sec.
    It's ok.
  20. #80  
    Ha ha ...

    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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