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  1. #201  
    When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.
  2.    #202  
    A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migranes and still no improvement.

    "Listen," says the doc. "I have migraines too. The advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything i've learned in medical school, but it's something i've learned from my own experience.

    When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead.
    This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her; and almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in three weeks."

    Three weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migranes for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever been able to help me!"

    "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

    "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "Your wife makes great soup too!"
    Last edited by dbdoinit; 07/14/2010 at 06:41 AM.
  3.    #203  
    There was this man who muttered a few words in church and found himself married.

    A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
  4.    #204  
    There was an American on a buisness trip in England. He got on a train and was unable to find a seat. The man walked up and down the different cars untill he discovered that an old lady's tiny dog was taking up a whole seat.

    So he said to the lady, "Hey, you think you could move your dog? I can't find a seat."

    Now this wasn't a nice lady, so she replied, "You rude American! My little poodle needs somewhere to be!"

    So the man walked up and down the cars again, looking for somewhere to sit. He came back to the lady and the dog. "Look lady, I need somewhere to sit. Can you please put your dog on your lap?"

    Of course, the woman's reply was about the same as the first one, "You again?! Go away you rude man, don't bother my poodle!"

    So for the last time the man searched for a seat as the train started. He came back to the woman angrily, "Move your mutt lady!"
    The woman went into a fit of frustration, scolding the man like a child.

    Finally he'd had enough and grabbed the dog and threw it out the window. The woman sat in disbelief untill the man accross the isle said, "You damn Americans, you do everything wrong!

    You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the fork in the wrong hand, and NOW YOU THROW THE WRONG B---- OUT THE WINDOW!"
  5.    #205  
    13 Things Films Have Taught Us:


    1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

    2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

    3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

    4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.

    5) Every single person in martial arts film has a black belt in karate.

    6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

    7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.

    8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

    9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.

    10) The entire British population lives in London.

    11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

    12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

    13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
  6.    #206  
    OJ's url:

    http:slash slash dot 'o' dot 'j' dot com slash escape
  7.    #207  
    The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.

    Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning; the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

    Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept
    coming and coming and coming...

    Foul play has not been ruled out.
  8. srswarley's Avatar
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    #208  
    What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino...?

    Ell-if-i-know!
  9.    #209  
    Quote Originally Posted by srswarley View Post
    What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino...?

    Ell-if-i-know!
    Lol, i have a thread for that too -

    Full:
    http://forums.precentral.net/off-top...g-madness.html

    Mobile:
    http://m.forums.precentral.net/off-t...g-madness.html
  10. srswarley's Avatar
    Posts
    43 Posts
    Global Posts
    44 Global Posts
    #210  
    Quote Originally Posted by dbd View Post
    Yeah I wasn't quite sure where to put it... would seem redundant in two places. So the 'comedian' thread it is!
  11.    #211  
    A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.

    The old man says, "Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the sheep. It was a lot of fun!"

    The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.

    The old man said, "Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the neighbor's wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!"

    The reporter, feeling frustrated, finally told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

    The old man paused a little and with a dejected expression on his face said -
    "Well, one time I was lost ..."
  12.    #212  
    Elevator Fun:

    Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

    Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

    Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!"

    Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

    Sell Girl Scout cookies.

    On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

    Shave.

    Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

    Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

    Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

    When at your floor, strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

    Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

    Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

    One word: Flatulence!

    Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

    When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

    Give religious tracts to each passenger.

    Meow occasionally.

    Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

    Frown and mutter "Gotta go...Gotta go..." then sigh and say "Oops!"

    Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

    Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

    Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

    Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

    Stare at a passenger and announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

    Burp, and then say "Mmmm... tasty!"

    Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

    Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

    Start a sing-along.

    When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"

    Play the harmonica.

    Shadow box.

    Say "Ding!" at each floor.

    Lean against the button panel.

    Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

    Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

    Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

    Bring a chair along.

    Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

    Blow spit bubbles.

    Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

    Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
  13.    #213  
    Things to do in the bathroom stall:

    1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

    2. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

    3. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

    4. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no!! My glass eye!!"

    5. Say "Damn, this water is cold."

    6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds. Then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from five to six feet high. Sigh relaxingly.

    7. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

    8. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

    9. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

    10. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters."

    11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

    12. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

    13. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

    14. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

    15. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your **** cheeks.

    16. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

    17. Next time you're in a bathroom stall, take a Snickers candy bar and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand, reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there? This side's completely out."
    Last edited by dbdoinit; 07/27/2010 at 05:45 AM.
  14.    #214  
    A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

    The bartender says; "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

    The customer replies; "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
  15.    #215  
    There's this drunk standing out on the street corner. A cop passes by, and says; "What do you think you're doing?"

    The drunk says; "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours and I'm waiting on my house."

    "Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
  16.    #216  
    Two old drunks in a bar.
    The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a , I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard."

    "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand".

    "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

    "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
  17.    #217  
    IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
    AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

    IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
    AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

    IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior.
    AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

    IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

    IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
    AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
    AT WORK........You have to share.

    IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
    AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

    IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
    AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

    IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
    AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
  18.    #218  
    Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she's a dog!" He said, "I don't care what they look like."

    When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

    When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

    One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

    Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

    My case comes up next Monday.
  19. #219  
    "Identity theft? Why should I care about identity theft? Come to think of it, I WANT someone to try to get credit in my name, because I sure as hell can't!"--Terry D. Miller
    Prē
  20. #220  
    Q: What's the difference between a 7-11 and a smurf?

    A: A 7-11 is a 24-hour convenience store and a smurf is a small blue fictional cartoon character.
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