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  1.    #181  
    Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same
    meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see."

    They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three
    engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.

    On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and
    bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see."

    All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into seperate
    bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket please."
  2.    #182  
    A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

    The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"
    The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

    The guy drinks it fast. "Quick, another beer before the trouble starts!"
    The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

    Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick! Another beer before the trouble starts!"
    The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"

    The guy mutters, "I don't have any money."
  3. #183  
    A priest, a cop, and a stripper walk into a bar.

    The bar tender says "is this some kind of a joke?"
  4.    #184  
    Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

    The doorman at the club greets them and says,
    "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"

    His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
    "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

    When they're seated, a waitress places a Corona in front of him. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Corona".

    "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with
    them."

    A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
    "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

    Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
    Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
    door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

    The cabby turns his head and says,
    "Looks like you picked up a real b---- tonight, Dave!"



    I've had something like this happen to me. I just HAD to post this.
    Last edited by dbdoinit; 07/10/2010 at 07:40 PM.
  5.    #185  
    As a senior citizen was driving down the expressway, his cell phone rang.

    Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
    just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 285.
    Please be careful."

    "!!" said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
  6. stockh's Avatar
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    #186  
    Confucius says:

    7 days in a row makes one hole weak.
  7. #187  
    "Two men are talking. The first says, ""I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes.""
    ""Amazing,"" said the second, ""I just got divorced for the very same reasons."
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  8. #188  
    My wife is always late, and so is her entire family. They are so late, they came to America on the "June Flower"...
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  9. #189  
    A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech. Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city."

    "Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."
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  10. #190  
    Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.

    "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
    Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
    The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

    There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
  11. #191  
    Quote Originally Posted by dbd View Post
    How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
    hey! Dyslexics are teople poo!
  12. #192  
    Read this error message... 'nuff said:

    http://www.acm.uiuc.edu/siggraph/eoh...s/eoh2002.html
  13. #193  
    Quote Originally Posted by dbd View Post
    A store that sells husbands has just opened. A woman can go there to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
    There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

    So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

    On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

    The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

    The second floor sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

    The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

    The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

    "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

    The fourth floor sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

    "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

    The fifth floor sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

    "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

    The sixth floor sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor #6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
    Across the street there's a store that sells wives. A man can go there to choose a wife from among many women. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the women increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a woman from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

    So a man goes to the shopping center to find a wife.

    On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These women love sex.

    No one's ever seen the 2nd floor...
  14.    #194  
    The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

    First Pupil: "I visited my Nana."
    Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

    Second Pupil: "I had a ride on a choo-choo."
    Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

    Third Pupil: "I read a whole book by myself for the first time."

    Teacher: "Excellent. And what was the name of the book?"

    Third Pupil, with a big grin: "Winnie The Sh¹t."
    Last edited by dbdoinit; 07/12/2010 at 09:05 PM.
  15.    #195  
    In The Beginning, was The Plan.

    And then came the Assumptions
    And the Assumptions were without form
    And the Plan was completely without substance
    and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
    and they spoke among themselves, saying...
    "It is a crock of sh¹t, and it stinketh."

    And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pile of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."

    And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

    And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

    And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

    And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

    And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and in these areas in particular."

    And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good, and the Plan became Policy.

    This is how sh¹t happens.
    Last edited by dbdoinit; 07/12/2010 at 09:08 PM.
  16.    #196  
    Special High Intensity Training - S.H.¹.T.

    MEMORANDUM

    TO: All Employees
    FROM: Communications Services
    SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

    In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.¹.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.¹.T. than any other office in town.

    If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.¹.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.¹.T. list for special attention.

    All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.¹.T. you can handle at your own speed.

    If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.¹.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.¹.T.).

    If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.¹.T.).

    Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.¹.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.¹.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.¹.T.).

    If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.¹.T.) program.

    Thank You.

    Boss in General
    SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
    (B.I.G.S.H.¹.T)

    Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-SH¹T)
    Last edited by dbdoinit; 07/13/2010 at 03:27 AM.
  17. #197  
    In every major corporation there is a strict "system development life cycle" (SDLC) for corporate projects... and it is ALWAYS followed to the letter. SOmeone gets a bright idea and pitches it to management. And the cycle begins:

    1. Boundless enthusiasm
    2. Disillusionment
    3. Hunt for the guilty
    4. Punishment of the innocent
    5. Praise for the non-participant.
    Last edited by Workerb33; 07/15/2010 at 11:20 PM.
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  18. #198  
    ok ... so ... ummm.... is this thing on??? pffffffffff... testing...aheem....

    ok... a dirty politician walks into a bar and...
    No thats not right.... ok o i got it

    a dirty politician walks into a strip club and.....
    no no thats not it...

    hmmmm...

    OH!! ok...
    a dirty politician walks into the white house... Ba-ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!
  19. #199  
    *MEMO*


    To all ______________ Employees:


    EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

    DRESS CODE

    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress somewhere in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    SICK DAYS

    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    PERSONAL DAYS

    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

    BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

    RESTROOM USE

    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

    LUNCH BREAK

    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

    THANK YOU!

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

    Have a nice week!

    THE MANAGEMENT
  20. #200  
    What to Say to Telemarketers
    Guaranteed to work! Unless they dont.

    1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you sure could use some money.
    2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, and my dog just died" when they try to get to the sale, just keep talking about your problems.
    3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
    4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ company" You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
    5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy, IS that you? Oh my God, Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
    6. Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
    7. If MCI or AT&T calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply in as sinister a voice as you can. "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend?"
    8. If the company cleans carpets, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
    9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him / her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
    10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
    11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!" Then hang up.
    12. Tell the telemarketer that you are busy at the moment and ask them to give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When they explain that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
    13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
    14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
    15. Tell the telemarketer you are "grounded" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
    16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
    17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "C'mon Leon, cut it out! Seriously Leon, how's your mom?"
    18. If they are selling magazines, ask them if they come in Braille.
    19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD DOWN.
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