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Pocket Taser Stun Gun Story (funny!)
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Old 02/14/2006, 08:07 AM   #1 (permalink)
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[this was from an email I got today...laughed pretty darn hard at it!)

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$@$%!@ *!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return
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Old 02/14/2006, 10:39 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RicoM
[this was from an email I got today...laughed pretty darn hard at it!)

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$@$%!@ *!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return
WooHoo that is funny reading.
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Old 02/14/2006, 10:54 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Far too funny!
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Old 02/14/2006, 11:35 AM   #4 (permalink)
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i had tears in my eyes from laughing out loud, at work, reading this funny bit. I actually printed it out and posted it at work for those who are tempted to try it.
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Old 02/14/2006, 08:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
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It would not be safe to give one to my wife... it would force me to constantly be on my best behaviour for fear of her using it on me if I pissed her off.
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Old 02/15/2006, 03:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Back in high school I ended up with one. One of the 'your friend leaves it in your car and you just don't return it for a few months' type of thing. This was one with a 9 volt battery in it.

A friend of mine was over at the house talking on the phone with a girl he was interested in. As he's laying on my bed attempting to shmooze this babydoll, I'm found sitting on the floor a few inches away from my friends feet just clicking away at the button of the taser marveling at the pretty blue string of electricity snapping between the two metal prongs at the tip. At this point boredom has settled in as my friends murmuring voice like melting ala mode ice cream on a hot apple pie tries to seduce this poor girl on the other end. As we all know, young, dumb and full of c*m males have the urge to explore the limits and boundaries of things by trying it out themselves. How hot is the pan? Lemme touch it and see..... @#%$^&! DAMN THAT'S HOT!!! The thought crosses my mind now. "It's only a 9 volt battery, what damage could it possibly do? I mean, I've put my tongue at the tip of one of these batteries.... just a tingle.... nothing more." Do I try to "taze" myself and see what it feels like? Are you kidding?!!!! How about I try my buddy's boot here. I approach his foot. "Hey what do you think you're doing?" I explain to him that his sole is made out of rubber and that rubber will naturally insulate and not conduct the electricity. Simple science. Nothing to worry about. Click. Buzz. "Nothing, see?" My friend now calm, lays back down on my bed while his foot is still in front of me. He continues with his jib jab of how incredibly sensitive he is to this girl. So now I tried the taser on the sole of his boot, would the leather upper half of the shoe insulate the current? Unfortunately the thought of a metal toe beneath the leather never crossed my mind, and why should it? I'm 16. Technicalities are not part of the game here. I wait a few seconds to muster up the courage and..... click.... buzz. I've never heard such a high pitched scream in my life. Think along the lines of a saxaphone hitting the highest note possible. I'm sure dogs across town looked at eachother and said "What the....?" He bellows out this 'scream', somehow is in the air from a laying down position and the phone takes flight. Once he lands back down on the bed all laughing stops. He starts to twitch and can't move. I immediately run to him. The look in his eyes is something I will never forget. I'm screaming "Don't die! Don't die" He's not moving. I take a look at his twitching body and I notice a wet mark on his crotch. From "Don't die! Don't die!" it went to "Don't crap on the bed! Don't crap on the bed!" Luckily he was moving after a few seconds. Even more lucky, he didn't kill me cuz this girl is still on the phone wondering what the hell is going on. He can't tell her he just got shocked, that the squeeling pig sound was him and that he just pee-ed in his pants. The proud man he is, he gets back on the phone like nothing happened and makes up a silly story about me watching t.v. Let's just say that experience cost me a pair of boxers I will never see again. I think it was worth it.

Well, that was my story.
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Old 12/13/2009, 02:35 AM   #7 (permalink)
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In response to Pocket Taser Stun Gun Story (funny!):

My father just brought me a pocket size stun gun for protection. According to the onine shop he purchased it from, the device carries 1.8 million volts. I decided to do some research on regular people (as oppose to cops) using it as a weapon on their assailants. In my research I came across this story. There are literally streams of tears running down my face. You'd think someone close to me just past away, I'm crying so hard. I mean like gut wrenching, back curling laughs. I just became a member of this site, that I never heard of before, to post this reply! This was good one RicoM -- thanks for sharing!
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Old 12/13/2009, 08:46 AM   #8 (permalink)
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That was so funny you should write books!!! (lol)
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Old 12/13/2009, 11:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
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OMG i laughed so hard i cried , Thank you for sharing that story i needed that.
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