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  1. NRG
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       #1  
    ladies and gentlemen....

    Source: An eMail I received!


    Chuck Norris:


    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
    Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
    They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

    Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
    Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

    To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer.
    Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for
    2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
    Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus'
    obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

    Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

    Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

    When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

    Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour.
    He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

    When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

    Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

    When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

    After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

    Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

    Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

    The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

    One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your ******** lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to
    15 days.

    Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
  2. #2  
    I think I just wet myself......
    I'm back!
  3. #3  
    haha..some more

    1. Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive ********. There were no survivors.

    2. If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

    3. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

    4. When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

    5. There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. **** you, team.

    6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

    7. Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULL****!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

    8. Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

    9. Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

    10. Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

    11. Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

    12. When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

    13. Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

    14. When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin.

    15. Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

    16. Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

    17. If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

    18. Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

    19. Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

    20. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

    21. Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****.

    22. On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

    23. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

    24. It takes Vin Diesel 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

    25. Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of him to grow.

    26. Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

    27. When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

    28. Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Acrtic researchers.

    29. You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

    30. Vin Diesel once fought Chuck Norris and the whole world exploded. As they were the only two humans left, they had to fight again to see who would be the *****. This fight is still going, meteorologists call it a "hurricane".
  4. #4  
    Thank you for these! I got a good cry from them!
    Recognizing that I volunteered...
  5. #5  
    Thanks for this! I've just sent these two out to my brother.
    V > Vx > m505 > m515 > T/T > T3 > TC > 650 > 680
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  6. #6  
    where the hell did you get these?! funny azzz sheeyite.
  7. #7  
    Holy crap that's hilarious
  8. #8  
    although the Chuck Norris one made me cry, line:

    5. There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. **** you, team.

    Made up for all the lame Vin Diesel jokes.

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