jaksmith, you will not be able to setup the Touchpad without wifi. The wifi network that you connect to also cannot have a captive portal. Once you've completed the setup with the Touchpad, you can, however, connect to captive portals.
isn't there a starbucks or a local hangout near you that has free wifi?
Those generally require the browser to agree to terms or put in a code. If you have a webOS phone you can install freetether. You can also try to use your computer as a wireless access point (not sure how, but think it is possible).